Struggling with my Mum

[moochops]

I don't know where to post this, but I could really do with some advice. My mum has suffered from depression all of her life, she's 74. I can't remember a time when I haven't felt responsible for her wellbeing. There have been times when I have really needed her to be a parent, times when I have been struggling with worries of my own, but I can't talk to her because everything becomes about her. I end up being the one to offer her reassurance when inside I am longing for someone to give me advice. I am her only child, yet she always forgets my birthday (yes, I get how pathetic that sounds), she never asks me how I am, never shows any interest in anything I do. She throws strops about odd things (for example, my daughter's birthday party - mum decided she didn't want any cake, she likes to let everyone know that she eats barely anything and rejecting any food offered gives her some kind of thrill - but I promised to give her some cake to take home with her for later. I forgot. In the fun of celebrating my daughter's birthday I forgot to package up a bit of cake for her and she was really moody with me for a week afterwards. I really hurt her feelings).

I am juggling full-time work, raising two children, my husband is amazing and is managing a long-term autoimmune disease (so he is clinically vulnerable). I have booked time off work to take my mum to a hospital appointment but she has (as she always does) decided she doesn't want to go. She is in a horrible mood with me (I don't know what I have done yet but will no doubt find out in time) and I just can't take any more.

I'm sorry this is long and rambling but I feel so frustrated with her.

Sorry to hear about your mum. Depression is a nightmare.

However, she sounds like my MIL and IMO there's no excuse for turning you into the parent who has to look after her and make your life all about her. My wife has very similar issues and it drives her mad.

You need to find a way to manage her so you're no longer taking so much responsibility for her wellbeing. As parents we're supposed to be there for our children, not the other way round. Sure we need to support family but sounds like a one way street and is too much.

Like you, we have busy family lives and is hard work keeping immediate family on the straight/narrow.

Sorry but forgetting your birthday is significant and shows a lack of thought. You're justified in feeling like you do.

I can't offer any sage advice but think you deserve more TBH.

She's always been like this hasn't she?. There are some red flags here re your mother (Stropping about odd things, making things all about her, her eating habits and her ongoing ill treatment of you does not ascribe to depression, more like some form of personality disorder perhaps like narcissism) and its not your fault she is the ways she is. You did not make her that way.

You do not mention your dad here; is he in your life now?.

You need firm and consistently applied boundaries re your mother; what is and is not acceptable to you?. Do you get feelings of fear, obligation and guilt re your mother also?. I think posting on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread could help you.

I don't think you can ascribe any of those things to depression. I think she sounds self-centred and controlling. You are NOT responsible for her state of mind - only she is. I second going on Stately Homes thread where people experienced with this kind of personality can help you with strategies for distancing yourself from her, maintaining boundaries and prioritising yourself and your family.