What do I do next to not wind him up further

[PolkaDot456]

Or at least, escalate the situation?

My 18 year old son was supposed to look after our puppy when we went away at weekend. He didn't give him the attention he needed - fresh water, food, walks. Me and DH at work today, same again but DH who has a day off college had been to gym, had haircut and generally farted on all day. He also didn't empty the bins like I asked.

Came home from work and find out DH told DS he is thinking of 'getting rid' of the dog because its not fair on the dog. Cue 7 year old in tears who hears my son telling me this. DH ranting at me about son so son comes in and yells at DH about why he hasn't done stuff today. At this point my husband jumps up and I fear aggression so send my DS to his room. DS pomes the bear when Dh says 'you can get out if my house' DS says 'no you can'. So DH storms into DS ro and tells him to get out of the house. DS leaves in just his socks and I phone him and tell him to go to grandparents. I get someone to collect shoes and things for DS as I don't want to leave the house incase it gets DH riled up that I've gone to pander to DS. In my head I'm thinking, make sure DS is somewhere safe and hope things calm down. DH comes to talk and is initially calm but getting more angry when I disagree with things he says. I explain fundamentally I agree it's not acceptable for DS to act like this but I don't want anyone throwing any of my children out and point out that DH did stupid, selfish irresponsible things when he was young too. I tell him he doesn't like my son shouting back at him but of course he's going to get angry and shout back sometimes but I say DH doesn't like that coz - and I beat my chest with my fists to demonstrate male dominance. At this point his switch has flipped and he's stormed off saying how he met me young and took me and my son on when he was 2 and wasted his life and that I won't see him again, I say 'would you do that to your daughter' thinking he is going to hurt himself and he says 'she will see me, you won't' and speeds car down the road noisily. I suspect he will sleep I'm car and go straight to work.

There's been kick offs in the past, some mildly physical which he claimed he hasn't done for years (maybe 2) and he might be right but he is cross that I tell him I still worry he will put my son on floor or restrain him/be physical.

I know I've wound him up but I also don't feel I should have to agree with him for peace and while he presented a good argument of why he's cross, he fails to see why I'd disagree with him throwing my son (his stepson out).

I normally cry and we sort it out when everyone's cooled down.

I don't know if I want to sort things out anymore, I can't keep going along worrying when things will all kick off again. I am worried if I send my daughter to school tomorrow he will pick her up. If I don't send her in he will say I'm ruining her education and messing her up.

I don't want to escalate things further, if we are breaking up I want it to be amicable for my daughter and he would want that too but once he gets in these moods he can really be stubborn and I don't know if he'd put her need for harmony first. I feel like going away with her and my son for a day or two, I don't want him to come back tonight or in the morning so thought about getting away tonight but fear repercussions of him then taking her away to spite me and/or him accusing me of making things even worse.

What's the best way to handle this and try to keep some peace whilst feeling secure? I think I will have to take tomorrow off work to figure things out

To clarify, DS was off college.

Sometimes when DH kicks off like this it's like he is having a breakdown then he cools down and we sort things out. He just completely changes sometimes inyo this furious person and I don't understand how he can go from 0 - 60 so easily.

Deep breaths. .

I agree you've done the right thing I the immediate circumstances by sending DS to grandparents and arranging collection of clothes. He's safe that's what matters most.

You're right about DP shouldn't be kicking your DS out, he's not the boys parent he doesn't have that right.

DP has been cruel to DD with what he said about getting rid of dog. He's right from dogs perspective but that should have been a conversation to have with you about eg kennels or some other solution for dog. If rehoming is the best option that should have been discussed and agreed jointly with you and presented to DD in a way she can understand it's necessary for dog. Not DP saying it in spite to DS, then DD overhearing.

DP doesn't sound the best type of person to have a relationship with. He's expecting you to be grateful he's with you?! That's not good. He has violent tendencies, that's not good either.

Who owns/rents the house OP?

@PolkaDot456

To clarify, DS was off college.

Sometimes when DH kicks off like this it's like he is having a breakdown then he cools down and we sort things out. He just completely changes sometimes inyo this furious person and I don't understand how he can go from 0 - 60 so easily.

The thing you need to understand is that you don't need to be living in fear of this happening. You don't have to understand him. That's not your job. Just look at his behaviour. If it's unacceptable, you're best off apart.

He's actually broken up with you tonight. That's what his words mean about you never seeing him again. He can't just come back and expect everything to be fine because he says it is. You don't have to accept him back. If you do accept him back, make a mental note of this event. Keep an eye that him threatening to break up with you or temporarily leaving you doesn't become a tool he uses to silence you. Your opinions are equally as valid as his and you have the right to voice them, to want to discuss things.

Leave him.

Tell him not to come back

OP just so you're clear, you've done nothing wrong. You're not to blame for DP moods or temper.

Speak to school tomorrow at drop off, explain what's happened (so if DD is randomly upset they know why). You're afraid of DP returning so it's probably best if DD isn't home. Explain to school that's why you've sent her in, in case school isn't the best place for her to be really due to upset, they'll at least understand why she's been sent in. Tell them only you are to collect her until further notice.

Taking the day off work is a good idea if you can afford it (or get holiday pay), you do need thinking time.

Are you finances combined? Probably best to separate those tomorrow, even if you decide to stay together.

I wouldn't stay with him, he sounds like hard work and you sound like you've had enough.

Call DS tomorrow and let DS know you're thinking of him, that you haven't rejected him and aren't kicking him out. DS neglected dog and that's not ok and needs dealing with, but that's a conversation to have another time. Unless perhaps DS brings that subject up himself tomorrow.

Has DP shown violence towards DS in the past? Unless DS is physically attacking DP, DS doesn't need "restraining".

The problem is that DS behaves poorly (not looking after the puppy or doing chores) but your DH reacts in such an OTT manner that any attempt to tackle DS's teenage inconsiderateness gets totally overwhelmed by DH's dramatics. Your effort goes into soothing DH and DS is left feeling the victim rather than actually resolving his behaviour.
You aren't going to get DS to be a responsible adult when one of the responsible adults is acting like a toddler.
Pick the one who you can help (DS).

Also I asked how owns/rents the house because if it's solely yours, don't let DP back in. You can discuss things somewhere neutral like a café or a relative's house. You can box up his stuff and hand it over on the doorstep or take it to his friend/family member if you're splitting.

If he's co-owner or on the tenancy he has rights to be there so you can't stop him coming in. But if you're splitting you can talk to a solicitor if you jointly own the house or to the landlord if you rent, to explain you want to take on the tenancy by yourself and ask for permission to change the locks.

So your DH has been physical with your son, and you are still with him because?
Really, you should of kicked him out or left him years ago for your sons sake. Then to bring a puppy into the situation! Whose idea was that? If it wasn't for your son, then it's not his job to look after it while you go off for the weekend. Given that you both work, unless you are willing to pay for boarding, it really is best the puppy gets rehomed rather than living in this shitshow. Sorry to be blunt, but you seem to be making one bad decision after another and its affected your son and a defenseless puppy.
Get your son back home, keep your DH out, rehome the puppy - no it's not easy, but it will show your son that he matters, more than your DH - which is how any responsible mother should view it.

What would I do?

I'd gladly dump any fucking bastard that I thought was a physical danger to me, my son or anyone else.

Get shot of this horrendous bully.

You protect your kids from this bullying shite bag

It’s depressing how many women think they just have to live like this

He's been physical in the past (to you and/or your DS), and you 'feared aggression' this time. So you leave him.

He has made it easier by effectively breaking up with you, so seize it. If he's not on the tenancy/mortgage, he doesn't get to come home. He can arrange to have his stuff picked up.

If he is on the tenancy/mortgage, then you need to consider what steps are required to disengage practically and financially, ultimately leading to divorce.

This should be a straightforward decision. I'm not suggesting it will be easy, but if someone was bullying my child, shouting at them, kicking them out of the house, I wouldn't stay with them a moment longer.

He is a grown man who chooses to bully people.

Your son is your son, who is being bullied by this man in his home. This could impact on him for life.

Yes your son hasn't done the jobs he was meant to do, but as you say that isn't too shocking in an 18 year old. That needs dealing with but in a calm, rational way. This current drama won't help matters at all. In fact, it's teaching your DC that the way to respond to issues like this is to shout and be aggressive.

Your DH had a right to be annoyed at DS, but he dealt with it in a totally inappropriate way. Who do you think is worse here - the 18 year old who acted selfishly and didn't look after the dog, or the grown man who threw a teenager out of the house in his socks and wouldn't let him back in?

Stay strong. You are doing the right thing by letting things calm, but please don't back down when he returns. From what you say this is normal behaviour for him and it will just continue. How long before your son leaves the house and chooses never to come back because of him?