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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Breaking up the family

9 replies

SkyBorealis · 21/03/2022 21:31

I have been with my partner for 9 years, we have kids, I've thought about leaving him many times over the years...

He's a good dad, loves them, always shows up for them, I can't fault him on that. But I just don't think we're compatible and I can say with 100% certainty that we would not still be together had I not got pregnant early on in the relationship.

We rarely have sex, we rarely have a laugh and spend time together. We don't really have anything to talk about aside from the kids, I feel like I'm not the best version of myself around him and I can't picture myself growing old with him.

We're not married, I've always said I'm against marriage but now I've realised I'm not against marriage- if it's the right person.

I have no legal rights. he's the home owner my name isn't on the mortgage. I only work part time and don't have any savings to rent/ buy my own place with the kids.

Has anybody ever been in this position before? How do you start again?

OP posts:

Kellyagain · 21/03/2022 21:37

Get married. Especially if you’ve been the main care provider for the children as your earning potential and earnings will have suffered as a result and you have no financial security right now.

Liz1tummypain · 21/03/2022 21:41

Sorry that I don't have enough similar experience to answer the direct question. I wonder how strong your feelings are for him, or for anyone else. Do you think there have been ( or could be) other men for whom you feel extreme affection or love? Just asking because some people just don't get to feel that deeply about anyone. Not that it's a good idea to settle for him but I just wondered if that's got anything to do with it. No offence meant of course. Sorry this isn't much help.

Original poster

SkyBorealis · 21/03/2022 22:02

@Liz1tummypain

I'm not sure if it was infatuation or love but I had a partner before him who I often still think about as a comparison for how I feel for my current partner.

I love him as a friend and the father of my kids but I'm not IN love with him. I think he deserves to be with somebody who is.

I have brought this up to him before, I've asked him "do you think we are happy" and he always says that he is but his actions tell me different.

OP posts:

Original poster

SkyBorealis · 21/03/2022 22:03

@Kellyagain

Get married. Especially if you’ve been the main care provider for the children as your earning potential and earnings will have suffered as a result and you have no financial security right now.

I don't think I could go through with marrying him as it would all be for the wrong reasons. I couldn't fake it

OP posts:

Saffy321 · 21/03/2022 22:05

You could try relationship counselling, you could get a FT job or start a side hustle and save up some money?

Original poster

SkyBorealis · 21/03/2022 22:10

@Saffy321

You could try relationship counselling, you could get a FT job or start a side hustle and save up some money?

The thought of relationship counselling makes me cringe, is that awful?

Working full time is out of the question as I wouldn't be able to get any childcare, however I have looked into getting a second job and working evenings and then he could have the children.

I had a side hustle which was going great but as I don't drive I was having to rely on OH to help me out with it, he isn't one to want to help so it caused a lot of stress leading to me quitting.

OP posts:

rocketmanshine · 21/03/2022 22:47

I could have written this myself! I'm in exactly the same boat as you! Not married, work part time, 2 DC. I've told him I'm leaving and am looking for somewhere to rent.
Have you looked into applying for universal credit?
I am able to leave now, as I will get money to put towards my rent and an allowance to top up my part time wages.
You will also be entitled to CMS payments.

gingerhills · 21/03/2022 23:04

You need to be working every hour the children aren't with you and if you can do some WFH, some hours that they are, too, and save as much money as you can. If you can do work that is transferable you could look to start again in a cheaper part of the country, so you could afford the rent, though utilities and food (all skyrocketing) will cost the same everywhere.

Or... you could make an effort to enjoy life with your nice husband. It's no wonder you are bored senseless if you never do stuff together. You say you ask if he's happy and he says yes but doesn't seem it. Why not ask: how can we be happier? How about saying to him that you are worried your marriage is in a rut and you want to have more fun with him. Ask him to come up with a list of stuff he's always wanted to do. You do the same. If anything overlaps, start doing that stuff together immediately. If nothing overlaps, take turns to make the good stuff happen for each other and to tag along to see if it interests you too. At least it will give you more to chat about together.

ChoiceMummy · 22/03/2022 07:23

I think that atm, you have no independence at all, partly due to your own self reliance on your oh.

You need to get a plan in place if you're going to be able to flourish alone.

Atm, you have an idyllic view of what a relationship should be/feel like. Have you considered that this "may" be the best and atm you're simply looking at the supposed greener grass? Your reluctance for counselling, does, imo, suggest emotional immaturity.

You need to learn to drive. Now. Get a car. Work more and actually work towards being increasingly financially independent.

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