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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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25 replies

CautiousShyGuy · 21/03/2022 17:35

Like my user name implies, I’m a guy, a bit shy, with a general tendency to err on the side of caution, perhaps sometimes too much so. Myself and ex wife divorced five years ago. She moved on quickly and now lives with her new partner. Everything’s amicable.

I took a while to heal from the divorce so didn’t really even think about dating anyone else for the first couple of years. Dabbled in OLD for a couple of months, had a couple of dates but mutually agreed no real spark. Since then left it up to date a bit, hoping one day I’ll meet someone naturally and we’ll click.

Then a fortnight ago, an ex-work colleague turned up to a work social. We’d got on well though not really close - friends on Facebook but not the type to be close confidantes, etc. She revealed, to everyone’s surprise, that she’d split from her long-term partner and was now single. Now, I’ve had other female acquaintances announce similar developments and felt nothing more than empathy - however, for some reason, since I learned this, it’s like someone opened a box and let a crush out.

As I said, I’m shy and cautious by nature so haven’t acted on this in any way other than to confide in a female work friend (who’s happily married and who I’ve been close to, in a purely platonic way, for many years) to gauge how ridiculous my sudden feelings were, especially as she was close to this former colleague too. But whilst she found it funny, she didn’t offer any encouragement - in fact said being single suited her. So, at the risk of sounding as dense as a brick, should I take this to be an indication she thinks our ex colleague could do better than me and/or find someone else much more suitable? Or am I being over cautious again?

In case anyone asks she isn’t someone half my age - what age gap there is wouldn’t raise eyebrows!

OP posts:
CautiousShyGuy · 21/03/2022 17:36

left it up to fate* not date!

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 21/03/2022 17:39

Drop her a message on Facebook. “Hey it was great to see you the other night, would love to meet up for a coffee/whatever for a catch up if youre free anytime soon”. What have you got to lose?

CautiousShyGuy · 21/03/2022 17:40

PS: she also revealed she’s thinking of dating again though not really making much effort at the moment, so it isn’t that she’s avoiding relationships right now.

OP posts:
lemongreentea · 21/03/2022 17:40

why dont you just ask her out for coffee? if she agrees see how things go. you dont need a middle person.

should I take this to be an indication she thinks our ex colleague could do better than me and/or find someone else much more suitable? Or am I being over cautious again?

difficult to say, maybe as she knows both of you she doesnt think you're a match?

CautiousShyGuy · 21/03/2022 17:44

@Regularsizedrudy

Drop her a message on Facebook. “Hey it was great to see you the other night, would love to meet up for a coffee/whatever for a catch up if youre free anytime soon”. What have you got to lose?
I think I worry about the embarrassment. Especially since the divorce, whilst I’m happy in my skin I’m also aware I’m not the kind of guy that turns heads. So, if my other friend isn’t really suggesting “go for it” I wonder if I should take it as a flag that I’d almost certainly be rejected.
OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 21/03/2022 17:48

But your other friend isn’t a mind reader, she has no idea how the other woman might feel about you. It would be awful to miss out for such a silly reason

Fernandina · 21/03/2022 17:48

Ignore the friend's opinion, I reckon.

gannett · 21/03/2022 18:16

So, if my other friend isn’t really suggesting “go for it” I wonder if I should take it as a flag that I’d almost certainly be rejected.

Your other friend doesn't know how your crush will respond. She might be making neutral noises precisely because she doesn't know.

You might be rejected. That would suck! No getting around that. But it's worth biting the bullet, right? I also used to be shy - not in romantic situations specifically but in social ones. Something that helped me was thinking, what would it be like to be a confident person who just... talks to people they don't know? It was like I was playing a part. Ultimately it's not my personality to do that all the time but it stopped me being trapped in my shyness forever.

DatingDinosaur · 21/03/2022 18:49

What did your colleague find funny?

If a guy confided in me that he had a bit of a crush on a mutual friend I wouldn't find it funny (as in ha ha funny), I'd think it was quite lovely and tell him to go for it. My only caution would be that bear in mind she's newly single and might be on the rebound and not actually looking for another "relationship" just now.

CautiousShyGuy · 22/03/2022 23:45

Thanks everyone - appreciate the replies and its given me food for thought Smile

What did your colleague find funny?

To be fair, after I shared I then made a thing of how cringy the whole thing was, which is what I guess she laughed at.

OP posts:
Pantsinthewash · 23/03/2022 14:11

Aww, you sound so lovely! Go for it!

Palmtreeizland44 · 23/03/2022 15:05

Life is full of opportunities and possibilities. My current boyfriend was my neighbours ground worker. I fancied him and he was hinting he liked me, and for a month my crush kept Me awake. I hoped he'd slide his number into my hand. But it turned out he left the job and didn't. My wounded heart a month later sent him a friend request and a message popped up from him the next morning. He said he found me attractive but thought I'd be unavailable. I told him I liked him and he had caught my eye. He uploaded a video to Facebook that day of him spinning his digger round at work and put someone has just put a massive smile on my face. It was me. We are now in a relationship. I'm so glad I pushed through. Nobody else's opinion matters. Only the lady in question will know how she feels. Just make some light conversation and be a gent. Women love a balanced chat I think. Take interest. Ask her question. Don't try sex talk straight away. Don't be too cheesy. Be jolly and interested. See how it flows. Good luck.

colouringindoors · 23/03/2022 15:27

"Drop her a message on Facebook. “Hey it was great to see you the other night, would love to meet up for a coffee/whatever for a catch up if youre free anytime soon”. What have you got to lose?"

Definitely do this. You like her. She may say yes Grin

HaggisBurger · 23/03/2022 15:33

Yes I don’t think you can go wrong with that! It’s not like you’ve said “I fancy you”. Have a coffee & see if there is a spark!

Watchkeys · 23/03/2022 15:34

You're asking strangers on the internet to judge someone else's reaction to your love interest's feelings.

If you're not willing to risk inviting this woman for a friendly coffee to get to know her better, you're not ready for a relationship.

Babdoc · 23/03/2022 15:40

Bit harsh, Watchkeys. He is shy and needs a bit of reassurance/encouragement, and you aren’t helping!

Watchkeys · 23/03/2022 15:53

We can't reassure or encourage, though, that's my point. We have no idea about the woman in question, and no idea about the person who is talking to OP about her. It's so tenuous. Like a high-school 'Do you think my mate fancies your mate?' thing.

It's direct but true to say that, as adults, we need to communicate with each other directly, rather via our mates and a forum. Otherwise, what will happen when they meet?

Palmtreeizland44 · 23/03/2022 16:19

If you can't go straight in with coffee as it's sitting down one on one. Dog walk? Country walk? Facebook message for abit to see how conversation plays out. What would be comfortable for you?

Women like all sorts of men. But I think we can all agree we like genuine, nice men who have a sense of humour we can relate too. Think about what you can handle this stage. Start there x

Loopytiles · 23/03/2022 16:25

Don’t involve your mutual friend in this.

If you want to contact the woman you find attractive and ‘test the waters’ do that directly.

If you want to date you’ll need to do things to try to make that happen, eg asking people out or trying OLD again.

CautiousShyGuy · 23/03/2022 17:05

@Watchkeys That’s harsh but fair Grin

I’ve taken @Palmtreeizland44’s advice and started some light conversation. Flowing nicely so far, so we’ll see where it goes.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 23/03/2022 17:15

It's not really relevant what your mutual friend thinks, she is what counts, and you only find that out by asking her. Glad you've made contact yourself, better to 'man up' than use a go-between, that is schoolyard behaviour and would get you nowhere.

Palmtreeizland44 · 23/03/2022 19:17

Good luck. Honestly if she's interested she will know. If conversation goes well. Perhaps message her tomorrow night and ask how her day went. If that conversation flows say good morning on Saturday and then perhaps you can ask her then if she'd like a walk or to meet for a drink, go for a drive etc.

So pleased for you good luck.

DatingDinosaur · 23/03/2022 20:48

Fingers crossed for you OP. And if nothing comes from it, try not to take it personally. It might be simply that the timing’s wrong if she’s not long out of a LTR and absolutely no reflection on you. Maybe that’s what your work colleague friend meant when she said “being single suited her”. A hint to take things slow and keep things light sort of thing.

imjustaguy · 24/03/2022 11:52

@Watchkeys

You're asking strangers on the internet to judge someone else's reaction to your love interest's feelings.

If you're not willing to risk inviting this woman for a friendly coffee to get to know her better, you're not ready for a relationship.

Seems like a total waste of a response to be honest on a forum on the internet where we read things at face value and have no idea who one another is. Because someone is shy or not sure of themselves doesn't mean they are not ready for a relationship, the OP shared an experience he had and isn't sure how to process this and was perhaps looking for others to share their experience.

@CautiousShyGuy I think as others have said message the woman and ask her if she'd like to go for a coffee, don't let a possible opportunity pass you by. It may not be what she wants but then at least you know you tried and can move on.

Watchkeys · 24/03/2022 16:31

@imjustaguy

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