Am I being gaslit?

[Livysmom13]

So I have been with my husband for about 10 years. Things have been very rocky for the most part and I even left him a couple years ago. We got back together and remarried(long story there) last spring. I feel like a fool that has been sucked back in. Our main arguments are 1) he really shows no affection whatsoever unless he wants sex in which case he will grab my butt or breasts aggressively which he knows I am not very fond of. So when I bring up being unhappy with this he gets mad and it starts a fight every time with time, nomatter how calmly i bring it up....And 2) the past few years I have been dealing with health anxiety off and on and if I bring up being worried about a particular health concern (yes they have thankfully all been in my head so far) he also gets angry at me for not "doing anything about my anxiety" which to him, means I should be on medication. I have tried medication and did not like it and made clear I no longer want to go that route. So my question is, should I just avoid these topics? We rarely really argue unless I bring these things up. So is it me? Last time all I said was "I just wish I could feel loved" to which his response was "well, I just wish I could feel loved". Huh?! Is this gaslighting? I started to get sucked in and defend myself saying how I love him and I always want to make him feel loved but realized that I think he may be messing with my mind...last time I tried to hug him and tell him I love him he uncomfortably squirmed and told me he loves me too but he's busy and seemed annoyed with me for it. I just don't know what to do....Sorry for the long rant but I need to get this off my chest somehow.

I just don't know what to do

You leave this vile pig, how dare he sexually assault you and then start a fight with you when you tell him no

Don't worry about labelling stuff. Worry about how stuff makes you feel.

If something/someone makes you feel horrible, pull away, altogether, if necessary. That's all the boundaries you need to make a happy, self respectful life. You never have to put up with someone doing things that make you feel bad. Even if it is 'just you' (ie a peculiarity of yours), anyone who respects you will respect your preferences, too.

@Fatgalism thanks for responding. I actually never thought of it as sexual assault. Oh boy. if I said this to him how he would rip into me, rolling his eyes and saying I'm playing a victim. He usually does this when there's really no way for sex to happen such as when our daughter is in the next room, there is no time, etc. He plays it off as a playful thing or says he's just so attracted to me and acts as if I should be flattered. And when I ask him to stop he says "see, you say you want me to be more affectionate and then when I am you say stop" and I have told him countless time that I want hugs, nice kisses, an arm around me,etc. Not this grabbing and groping. I feel as if I'm overreacting because I do know it's ok to give a playful slap on the butt, etc. But this is going too far I think. He will stop when I say no and doesn't necessarily get mad that I say no but he says it is me turning down affection when I have been asking for affection. Its really messing with my head

@Watchkeys thanks for your reply. I appreciate your view. That is so true. He does not respect my boundaries at all.

Yes, it’s a form of gaslighting, and emotional abuse.

Him grabbing at you for sex.

Him not listening to and belittling your concerns.

Him turning the conversations round on him so he’s the one getting the sympathy for the thing you’re upset about.

All shitty behaviour by him.

I do wonder if your health anxiety has actually been caused by his systemic crap treatment of you and I do wonder if it would disappear if he wasn’t in your life.

You aren’t overreacting at all. You’re stating your boundaries and he’s riding roughshod over them and the fact that you’ve tried to talk to him about these things and he’s just dismissed them and turned it round to make you feel guilty for HIS bad treatment of you is just appalling.

TBH, even if you did keep quiet about these couple of things in the future, he’d only find something else to get arsey about.

It’s him, not you and I doubt you’ll change him (because he won’t listen when you talk to him, which means he doesn’t want to change, not for you and not even for himself).

Urgh. That is awful behaviour. Touching you sexually when you don't want it (there's a name for that) and then responding badly when you remind him, yet again, that you don't like it. Also, he does it when sex isn't an option, so he knows you'll say no - it he's setting you up to fail.

And he seems to equate groping with affection. Is he stupid or just selfish and thoughtless??

That's not what gaslighting means, but it doesn't matter what it's called. He doesn't seem very nice!

For a lot of men in a long term relationship, affection = sex. A lot of men also realise that they need to give their partners other forms of affection at regular intervals, i.e. not just before sex. Your partner does not seem to realise this nor needs it himself. Doesn't bode well.
The health anxiety issue - well I guess I'm more of a realist. Either you have something or you don't. My response would be, see a doctor if you're really worried. That might sound dismissive but when you've had a serious illness or know someone that has, the what if's tend to not register. Probably not explaining very well.
Sounds like you're done tbh.

It doesn't really sound like gaslighting from what you have said but I'm sure there are elements of it in there because there generally is with all bad behaviour...

The sex and affection stuff sounds awful. It sounds like he resents you so he tries to annoy you by sexually harassing you and then making a mockery out of you by pretending he's giving you the affection you asked for. Unfortunately this is someone who doesn't respect you or even like you very much.

Health anxiety can be very annoying to live with and people do get fed up of it so if that was the only issue then I wouldn't think he was necessarily the bad guy....but in your case you're living with someone who clearly has no respect for you anyway so he definitely won't deal with it well.

I don't think this is fixable OP. A man who loves a woman doesn't treat them that way.
Having a separation and then being remarried should be a fresh start, a beautiful thing where you have more love and respect for each other than ever.....not this bullshit!

You deserve better!

@Walkingalot thank you for your input. I do realize men equate sex with affection. I give him sex whenever he asks for it if possible. I have expressed to him regularly over the past 10 years that women are different and need some affection to be in the mood for sex in the first place. He will occasionally say he knows he should work on this but never really does. He only did when I left him. As far as the health anxiety, I do see the doctor when I am concerned which also annoys him because where I live it costs a small amount to visit a doctor. My dad died of cancer when he was 54, my uncle in his 70s, and my cousin at 50. I do worry about cancer and am currently trying to get in shape/eat better and maybe find a therapist for my anxiety.

@bluesberry thank you for your response. It does mean a lot to know I'm not losing my mind. As far as the health anxiety goes, I have brought up a concern about my health with him maybe 3 or 4 times and every time he is annoyed. So while I do completely understand that dealing with someone with my issue could be annoying, I don't feel I've bothered him with it enough for him to be annoyed. I have learned to keep everything to myself so he doesn't get annoyed. But if he senses I'm upset he asks what is wrong and I have to tell him I'd rather not talk about it because I know he will get annoyed. I am dealing the best I can alone. It would just be nice to feel supported by the person who is supposed to be there for me.

@Whatalovelydaffodil. Thanks for responding. I agree the examples I gave are probably not gaslighting. It is more the way he reacts in these situations that I consider gaslighting. Such as saying I'm too sensitive, I'm overreacting, or making fun of me then saying I can't take a joke when I'm unhappy with him making fun. For example he will take a very unflattering picture of me when I'm not paying attention then send it to me. I had told him this bothers me and last time he did it, I got upset and asked why he would do that after telling him it bothered me. He said he thought I would laugh and proceeded to say that fine he won't do it anymore since I can't take a joke. As if I'm the asshole with no sense of humor

It doesn’t sound like gaslighting, but he does sound like an arse. Neither of you sound terribly happy

Why did you go back to him??