I think I messed up dating him, how could I win him back?

[Summer2244]

Hi all 🙂

Very new to dating here (26f) as I’ve spent my life in two long term relationships, the last one was with that was controlling and showed narcissistic traits. Three months after being single my friend hooks me up with a guy on a blind date. I enjoyed my time and I liked him, although he is a natural introvert and I found him a little boring, I met him a second time for dinner a week later but then told him “I feel a spark but I don’t think it’s all there, sorry!”
I’ve taken some time for myself now, it was probably too soon after my ex and 3 months later on we’ve stayed in contact. I realise that although he’s quieter than people I’ve been with previously he’s very kind hearted, a good man, similar upbringing etc.
we’ve been talking more and more and I asked if he’d like to have a day out with me and then watch a movie at mine afterwards on wednesday. We done that and I really enjoyed our time, I think it has just taken him a while to come out of his shell, whilst watching the film he made a move on me and we didn’t have sex but everything else in between. I wanted to tell him how I felt but I thought it best to wait a little bit so it doesn’t look like full on infacuation after we stripped each other’s clothes off!
We planned to see each other the following Wednesday (as he has shift work) and he was up for that, however on the Saturday he texted me saying ‘I’ve been thinking about the other night, I don’t think it should happen again and we should just friendly. Sorry I’m not in the right frame of mind at the moment’ and ‘it’s nothing you’ve done although I am confused that to begin with you didn’t see us more than just friends’
I responded explaining that I did see us more than friends, I have little dating experience, I think we are actually quite compatible and i probably jumped the gun a bit on our second date. He said ‘that’s okay I just need some time to sort myself out before making any decisions’
I responded and left it, he didn’t reply until the evening and sent me a funny video and now will respond but a lot slower.

I think the stress from work and him being unclear of my intentions and feelings has worked him up. How can I navigate the situation as I really like him, how much space is a good amount before I properly move on, a week? A month? I want to give this a final shot before we settle on just friends.

Thank you for your suggestions 🙂

It sounds like he is letting you down gently and doesn't want the relationship to progress. I would chalk this one up to experience and next time, don't be so quick to say you don't feel a spark. It's possibly because he now doesn't want you that has made you want him iyswim.

All you can do is wait and see. How long is up to you. Is there a particular rush? Being single is not a bad thing is it?

Plenty of people don't feel a spark at first but then change their mind, it will be obvious to him this is the case with you. If a man wants you in his life he will put you there. He's just not interested I'm afraid, nothing you have or haven't done.

He was just being nice, he has told you he does not see a future. You are young and will meet loads of nice men but being single is not the worst thing ether.

There is not many men who would back off after a relationship took a sexual turn out of 'confusion' because you had originally said there was no spark. Ditto due to 'work stress'. A typical (young?) man who is into you would be delighted that the dynamic had changed and would be rushing back for more, not soul searching about mixed messages. And very few would be put off the chance of more because of work stress. Sounds to me like he's got other irons in the fire and is keeping you at a distance but still on board.

You need to move on now, he has already told you that he doesn’t want to get involved.

He’s letting you down gently I’m afraid

Who's idea not to have sex that night, maybe he's a bit annoyed it didn't happen as he seemed in the right frame of mind to take his clothes off but not now?

It's probably put him off that you said there was no spark and can't get past that, it would put a dampener on things wouldn't it?

The best way for them to return if at all is to stay quiet, if he does miss your company he'll be in touch.

Whatever way you look at this, it's soured and likely to be over complicated going forward.

If he was genuinely into you, he wouldn't say the things he has said, it sounds like a slow let down tbh.

He wasn't confused enough not to get naked with you!