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Relationships

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Original poster

The past and women.

24 replies

Flowersgrow4eva · 21/03/2022 12:04

My boyfriend is 47. I'm mid 30s. We've been together since last summer but were in touch daily and interested for 9 months before we got together. He's only had 3 serious relationships lasting 4-10 years. Was very commited in them. He puts on abit of a front about his last ex but I think it's clear to see he loved her alot but she was very independent and wanted to be busy and allover. He didn't want to be as sociable and they ended up growing apart. Whilst she was out doing her own thing he began talking to an old school friend from 30 years ago. Eventually the ex dumped him and went off on holiday. He drove to meet the old school friend. Had sex. The ex found out and was Hurt. She questioned the school friend and my boyfriend was gutted she found out. He spent a few months moping and trying to see if they could resolve things. Then he moved out. They attempted a friendship and that failed as she was not happy when he met me which causes friction in our relationship.

When we started going out properly he removed certain women from his Facebook. He obviously was flirting and messaging women between his ex and me which is fair enough as he chose to clear out and stop all that when he met me.

What's really bothering me though is "charlie" on his Facebook. Another old school friend not seen in 30years. She's in a relationship but always put hearts on my boyfriends dog photos. She's told my boyfriend more than once he looks amazing on his photos. I've noticed my boyfriend likes all her posts and photos. He even once a few weeks ago told me her job, kids names, the fact she adopts dogs. Showed Me her photos. Asked me what I thought about her bright red and pink hair colours etc. It was pissing me off. He told me she has a coke habit and her partner drinks. 3 days later she rings him on Facebook when we are sat together. They are talking for the first time in 30 years because they are confirming how they know eachother etc. I felt awkward and tense but after 10 minutes of her pouring out her problems my boyfriend tells her about me. How I'm a beautiful wonderful woman he's Met and how much I mean to him. He really did compliment me. She told him to give me a big hug and thank me for letting her steal him.

I asked him last week if she'd contacted him anymore and he sounded quite jittery and said ermm I think she did message to see how I am.

I decided to look through his phone yesterday which I am not proud of. He's got plenty of conversations from various people including me. But Charlie's are not there. So he's deleted the conversation.

There's a couple of other women I am sure he's spoken too and there's no sign of them either.

I just don't trust him. What would you do?

OP posts:

Frigginintheriggin · 21/03/2022 12:09

I wouldn't trust him either.
He is thinking with his dick.
I would let him go, he sounds like he doesn't respect you at all.

futuremoneyinbank · 21/03/2022 12:18

My ex gave me the same bullshit - "Oh she's just a friend" then lied about when/where/how he had met her (red flag from thereon in), made out I was the silly one for not understanding she was the one he had given 15k to to start a business, liked any revealing shot of her on SM (meanwhile telling me he was too busy to like mine/hadn't been on SM), constantly chatted to her (his phone used to go off throughout the night to the point I had to ask him to put it on silent at 10pm). Strangely enough as soon as lockdown in her country ended they went on holiday together and she filmed the bed they shared for her public SM. He still wants people to think its platonic. There's no smoke without fire and some men are always going to be the grass is greener types.

5128gap · 21/03/2022 12:23

I wouldn't stay in this relationship. Even without the trust issues, he is 15 years or so older than you, and the next 5 years or so will be likely to show that gap. He already has form for being less dynamic than his partner, and this trait is unlikely to improve as he enters his 50s. It might be ok if you had years of history, but for a new relationship it wouldn't be for me. If youre going to put up with the downsides of an older man, the rest of the relationship should be pretty perfect as compensation and something here is making you uneasy, and you should listen to that. At your age I would definitely not be investing my prime years in a man who seems to be living his life through messaging women from his armchair, but has little inclination to be out and about with one he's in a relationship with.

Original poster

Flowersgrow4eva · 21/03/2022 12:25

That's it. I'm thinking is he just harmlessly looking like all men do. The thing is he loves dogs more than people. So she's constantly adopting sausage dogs and fancy cats and she's also one of those people who shares memes about broken people and being strong. He is well into that because he has had some rough times. I just feel like he's not learned anything from the past. The thing is he doesn't know her at all. He hasn't actually been in a room with her for 30 years. She could be a nightmare in real life. But he's obviously got some sort of thing for her. I don't help myself because I do spy on things. But I guess he's made me feel this way as I've never done it before. I guess some men never change?

OP posts:

futuremoneyinbank · 21/03/2022 12:32

Men like this never actually reflect on why things went wrong for them. You might be able to get them to admit they "made a bad choice" but any more and it's your problem not theirs (lots of 'don't judge me by my past' etc). Find a man who can own up to his past, talk through issues he has had like an adult and has had some therapy to fix any hang-ups. It's not 100% proven to work, sure but at least you're with someone who knows they aren't perfect but has tried to better themselves for their next partner.

futuremoneyinbank · 21/03/2022 12:35

And YY to the older men issues - at 40 onwards things don't work as well as they used to, so if he bashes one out in the shower in the morning he may not have another shot ready for you by the evening... For me that made me feel less-than and unwanted. Younger men who can cook/clean/have fun are the way forward.

Original poster

Flowersgrow4eva · 21/03/2022 12:46

He's actually in therapy now. I'm hoping she helps him. I think at times quite honestly he was a git to his ex. But I also can see she was high maintenance. A family member told me she was all about herself and my boyfriend tried so hard to please her. Threw all his money at her. She would take the expensive gifts but then still go off with her friends. My boyfriend just didn't get any attention from her. I don't think that excuses his behaviour but I understand how that can drive you to talking to others.

I guess I'll see how the therapy goes and if Charlie gets boring for him.

I must admit the age gap thing Is worrying me regarding the future. Maybe he can't offer me the life I want.

OP posts:

NeverChange · 21/03/2022 12:52

If he hasn't seen her in 30 years how does he know she has a coke habit and her partner drinks unless they have been in close contact?

I can't imagine too many people tell people over SM that they have a coke habit.

She also must be used to ringing him regularly. There's no change that the first conversation in 30 years happens to be last week on face time and thank her for letting me steal you, like wtf?

I don't know what is actually going on but this level of immaturity,especially at 47, would have me saying goodbye.

SailingNotSurfing · 21/03/2022 13:00

I'm very cynical about the Facebook call while you were together. I bet that was prearranged to prove to you it's an innocent friendship.

I hardly think he'd know about her recreational drug usage and the alcoholic partner if he wasn't close to her in real life. Charlie wants to steal your man.

purpleboy · 21/03/2022 13:00

@NeverChange

If he hasn't seen her in 30 years how does he know she has a coke habit and her partner drinks unless they have been in close contact?

I can't imagine too many people tell people over SM that they have a coke habit.

She also must be used to ringing him regularly. There's no change that the first conversation in 30 years happens to be last week on face time and thank her for letting me steal you, like wtf?

I don't know what is actually going on but this level of immaturity,especially at 47, would have me saying goodbye.

Was going to say the same thing, he knows a lot about someone he hasn't spoken to for 30 years. I have a couple of friend on SM from school 20+ years ago, I have no clue what their life is like, apart from seeing holiday pics etc...

It doesn't ring true to me op.

Original poster

Flowersgrow4eva · 21/03/2022 13:08

I know they've messaged before the call. But also she is one to write her dramas on Facebook.

OP posts:

iwishu · 21/03/2022 13:15

I wouldn't trust him, no smoke without fire! All this attention she gives him wouldn't happen if he wasn't also giving her attention. Some men it seems never grow out of it.

Nightlystroll · 21/03/2022 13:23

If you don't trust him, then finish it because if you don't trust him, how can you have a good relationship? And it does sound like he doesn't trust you either because if he deleted conversations, he must think you might try to have a nosy on his phone.

But what is it about him being in touch with old friends that you don't like? It sounds like he's not very social so it's easier to speak to people he used to know than to go out and meet new people. According to you he didn't cheat on his previous girlfriend as he didn't sleep with someone else until his GF had dumped him. But you think he's going to cheat on you? I don't think putting heart emojis on dog photos is indicative of anything. It's just the world of FB.

But you're not married or anything and if he and Charlie want to be together, why would he still be with you? He'd just be gone.

But none of that matters really. You've been going out for 9 months and you don't trust him so why invest anymore time in him.

Hiddenvoice · 21/03/2022 18:55

I’d hope he’d have learned his lesson from messing about the first time.
He’s spoken to her more than he’s let on but why was he only just telling her about you during the call?
I think this woman likes him and likes the attention he pays her. seems like he may have been flirting with a few people before getting with you but hopefully he’s put it all in the past now to focus on your relationship.
Either keep an eye on the Charlie thing or speak to him about it, just ask how close they’ve become and if it ever became flirty either in the past or recently.
Just say it in a casual conversation and hopefully he’s open to talking about it!

Loveisallweneed · 21/03/2022 19:56

Sounds a lot like he tries to out a spin on the fact he cheated on the last ex . He ‘looked up and old friend ‘ and had sex with her while his ex was on holidays

And all this ‘liking ‘ of some woman’s posts who seems interested in him , just why
I wouldn’t trust this guy . He sounds smooth and not trustworthy

Loveisallweneed · 21/03/2022 19:58

@Nightlystroll

‘But you're not married or anything and if he and Charlie want to be together, why would he still be with you? He'd just be gone. ‘

According to that logic no man would ever cheat and attempt to have women on the side whilst holding onto another and we all know how often that happens
Why is it some people assume that just because someone’s with us they would never ever want anyone else and just be holding out or planning or planning on having the other person on the side . It happens all the time

Hawkins001 · 21/03/2022 20:01

Seems unusual to delete the conversations, all the best op

Crimeismymiddlename · 21/03/2022 21:32

You know a LOT about his ex, and the school friends and the women he was seeing between you and the ex and ether he has told you all this, or you have gotten a little too interested. Ether way I would cut your losses this relationship is unhealthy. It is not normal to know so much about your persons ex’s.

Colderthanever · 21/03/2022 21:38

There is an undertone to your writing that thr women are some how to blame or at fault, when you’re dating a lying cheat who is at it again and you know it.

GreenClock · 21/03/2022 21:53

I agree with the PP that if you’re going to be in an age-gap relationship it needs to be very enriching and strong to survive the downsides of the gap.

There are too many problems here. It’s not a robust relationship. I’d end it amicably.

M0RVEN · 21/03/2022 21:59

Nothing that he has told you about his past and current relationships with women rings true to me. I think he’s lying to you and I think you know it.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 21/03/2022 22:07

I would say he is a serial cheat who has spun you a lot of crap about what really happened in his past relationships. And he means to continue with this behaviour.

Hawkins001 · 21/03/2022 22:11

@Crimeismymiddlename

One perspectives is it's not normal to know too much yet on the flip side, if I was going to invest time and energy into a relationship, why is too much information a bad thing, especially when it can be an indicator of potential pit falls ?

Loveisallweneed · 22/03/2022 03:40

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

I would say he is a serial cheat who has spun you a lot of crap about what really happened in his past relationships. And he means to continue with this behaviour.

This sounds on point to me too sorry op

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