Am I unreasonable being selfish?

[difficultyinsitting]

Its been about three years since I split up from my wife after she told me that she no longer loved me and wanted out the marriage and then said she feelings for a co-worker who she is now living with, it was a pretty messy and traumatic break up for me but anyway that's all fine done and dusted.

Ever since our break up she has been really difficult and due to her behaviour and how's she acted both our adult son's stopped talking to her and haven't seen he for a while, at the moment she just seems constantly angry regardless of what little conversation we have and since I have met a new partner it seems to have somewhat got worse, luckily we don't need to have much contact at all and I feel much more at ease when we are not in contact and prefer it.

I have a lovely new partner and we've been seeing each other about 8 months now and its all going really good and I am happy. Recently my wife contacted one of our Son's and they have arranged to meet up again and I am happy that they are perhaps going to start the process of repairing their relationship, he's quite an introvert and I know he will be really nervous meeting her because of past situations with her questioning him about things. He doesn't drive yet and Ive said I'd drop him off at his brothers as that's where his Mum will pick him up, why I can't just drop him off at hers is beyond me and she won't drive to my location.

I won't be spending this weekend with my new partner as her daughter has arranged a weekend away for the for mothers day, however I was going to visit her on the Friday night which is the night my Son and his Mum are going to meet again. I asked my son if he wanted me to wait about and he said no and my other son has said he is happy to drive his brother back home if I want to visit my new partner. However I am anticipating that if I message my ex to say his brother is driving him home (she has an expectation that I will be) I will likely start getting messages about putting my new partner before my son and all that type of nonsense.

So I am somewhat conflicted about what to do, should I just go along with things to keep the peace or would she be justified am I being unreasonable in just sticking to my original plans.

I’m not sure why you’d message your ex to tell her; unless I’ve misunderstood your sons are adults so they can just tell her their own arrangements?
Your son has said he’s happy for his brother to drive him so it’s nothing to do with her. Your role is to emotionally support your boys and not to communicate with the ex about arrangements so I’d step back from that now

You said in your post that both your sons are adults. Any arrangements to see their mother should be made by them, and you should have nothing to do with any of it.

Why on earth are you getting involved?

What a ridiculous set up. They’re adults, they can arrange to see her when they like and sort their own transport. You never ever have to speak to your ex again. Block her. Now. She’s still got a hold over you and it’ll ruin your new relationship if you let it.

If your sons are adults you don't need to talk to her at all.

There is no reason at all for you to be in touch with her. Any contact will feed her drama. I understand that you're probably trying to make things easier in your sons, but they do have to develop independent ways of dealing with her.

Why does your adult son need lifts, can't he make his own way there or arrange to meet her somewhere that's easy for them both to get to?

There's no need for you to tell her anything about who is doing the dropping off/picking up.
Why would you?

Assuming your sons are fully capable adults then I don't see why you have any contact your get involved at all.

Son: can you give me a lift to X?
Dad: yes.

Or Dad: No sorry I already have plans.
Son: OK. Bro can you give me a lift?
Bro: yep no probs.

Problem solved. At no point do you need to get involved with the Ex... maybe you are still too involved which is adding to problems.

If on the other hand you are asking if you should be around as your son might have a traumatic experience then only you can judge that. Can you time things so either he stays with his brother or you are close to home when he gets in?

I'll be perfectly honest and say I am far from surprised by the answers here, they are all within the realms of how I think these situation should go... unfortunately my EX just seems to live in a world that has a different set or rules and norm! A lot of communication from her up until quite recently has just been drama filled anger which I do not respond to or deal with but it really does get me questioning myself... and I just want peace.

Although our Sons had stopped talking to my EX I made it clear to her that any plans in the future should they start talking again be made directly with them the there was no need for me to be involved at all... its like my EX still acts like our children are still young kids!

Honestly just block her number. Until they're getting married or having children you shouldn't need to cross paths.

Sounds like your Ex wants to drag you into a drama triangle.

Block and ignore!!

Block or change your number. You do not need any contact at all. Your children are adults and she can contact them directly.

However I am anticipating that if I message my ex to say his brother is driving him home (she has an expectation that I will be) I will likely start getting messages about putting my new partner before my son and all that type of nonsense.

It's so bizarre that you would talk to your ex about this. Your son is an adult, stay out of it. If your ex calls, don't answer.

Stop engaging. It's not helping anyone.

Tell your boys that you will not be engaging with her from now on unless THEY really need you to. That they will need to make their own arrangements with her - but can ask for lifts etc as they would if they were going to a friends if you are happy to do that.

Respond to the Ex only with - "you need to speak to the boys directly. I do not need to be involved anymore" on repeat to each daft question she tries to drag you in with.

They are 18plus it's time the had the opportunity to manage their own relationships.

You can't change her behaviour, but you can change your towards her.
You have no need to talk to her, your children are adults.
Either ignore her or block her 🤷

Ok, the meeting is set up . What kind of message do you anticipate from your ex at this stage?
just bring your son to his brother and that’s it. He knows who will be driving him home, that’s enough. He might decide to stay with his brother for lots of beer and brotherly chat, or just for a chat.
If asked by Ex , just txt her that all good for Friday as agreed. Job done.

OP I understand why other people are mystified, and they aren't wrong; but my husbands ex wife used to behave like this when we were early days snd he was so accustomed to running round appeasing her (not because he still cared but to prevent her frequent tantrums impacting their young adult children) that he just carried on acting like it was normal. The final straw was when she woke us up at 2am because her loo was blocked and my husband (then boyfriend) actually went round there.

I told him the whole thing was BARKING and he had to stop engaging with her on her terms, and draw some hard boundaries. And he did, and now she doesn't bother us because she doesn't get the attention fix.

You need to draw boundaries. Hard.

I understand where you're coming from. It's likely that despite being "adults" your sons will need your support and will appreciate you being around. I'm the daughter of a difficult mother with a difficult history and even at my advanced age 😋 I still am nervous to see her and try to keep low contact for my own sanity.

Presumably your boys know the situation. Would it be possible for your eldest done to tell his mother that he's offered to pick the younger one up so he can say hello in the passing or something equally bland so it keeps you out of the equation?

I made it clear to her that any plans in the future should they start talking again be made directly with them the there was no need for me to be involved at all...

So stick to that. Why wouldn’t you?

You are imaging a problem that doesn't exist.

You drop off son at agreed point.
You go and enjoy your night.
Son gets lift home with brother.

Why should your ex even know what you're doing that evening? It's none of her business. She has no right to object. And even if she does object, you can just ignore her. If you pander to unreasonable demands now you will be setting yourself up for that being the expectation forever, and it will likely spoil your new relationship.

My stepson is 23. When he was younger we were obviously in very regular (all very amicable) contact with his mum but it's easily been 3 years since we've had any contact as there just isn't any need.

Toss off and leave your sons to sort it