Any thoughts on this problem. Am I the bad guy?

[Member82]

The relationship has been going for 11 months now. Spend every weekend together and keep in phone contact 2-3 times a day during the week.

This past month I have noticed my partner becoming increasingly cold. His evening phone calls were once a fun recap of his day and enquiring about mine but have recently been reduced to pretty much "I'm fine, tired, I can't talk long as I want to go to bed early. We'll catch up in person at the weekend". Of course, we're all occasionally tired and I would understand this but this has been a huge and sudden change in behaviour. I'm not normally someone who enjoys talking on the phone but he established these nightly calls initially and they've become a part of my routine.

At weekends when we're together I've noticed him becoming a little distant. He doesn't work Fridays so he used to arrive at mine as soon as I got home. Lately he's arriving later and later, sometimes after 8:00pm when I've been at home hours. On Sundays he used to stay until about 6:00pm before leaving for home but I now see him looking at his watch like he's counting the minutes until he can leave. He seems distant and to not really look forward to seeing me anymore.

These past three weekends he's cancelled our plans. The first time he was ill (although he later mentioned that he'd visited friends for coffee and a catch up that weekend). The second he was tired after a long week and didn't feel like was in the mood to see me (once again he later mentioned having gone to see friends). I missed him horribly but in the interest of keeping the peace I stayed quiet. This past Friday he sent me a morning message telling me he couldn't wait to see me. I spent the day cleaning, changing bed sheets, and cooking him his favourite meal. He rang at 5:00pm and said he'd be a little late as he had a work phone call to make. He asked about food and I told him it was all taken care of and would be ready for his arrival. He rang again two hours later to tell me that his work phone call had left him "weary" and he wasn't "in the mood" to see me until the next day.

I asked him were we okay to which he replied "Yes, I'm just tired". He seemed to think it was a silly question. I was very angry and just about managed to not snap at him. I told him that his tiredness has been going on for at least a month and that I didn't want to see him this weekend at all. He replied "If it's that big a deal I'll come and see you tonight". I told him to go and visit his friends and told him not to visit as I need time to calm down.

I later sent him a long text explaining that I have recently noticed a big shift in his behaviour and that he now seems to need more and more time alone. I scolded him for allowing me to cook and clean for him only to cancel at the last moment. I suggested that we stop all contact for the next week and that he take that time to have a good long think about whether he even wants to be in this relationship at all. I didn't shout but I made him aware that I felt he was taking our relationship for granted and not prioritising our time together. I told him that we could meet for a walk this Friday and talk about whether he wants to go forward together or not.

It's been two days of total silence and all I've received is a text from a friend of his accusing me of trying to emotionally black mail by using the "silent treatment". I sent a very short reply telling his friend to not contact me about private business again.

Am I in the wrong for needing time to calm down and giving him time to think about whether he even wants to be in this relationship?

It seems to me from what you have written that he has lost interest in you and is maybe engineering the situation so that you are the one who finishes it and he's not the 'bad guy'.

Take the initiative - tell him you've now had the chance to think it through and it's not the right relationship for you .... good bye.

Don't expect him to 'talk about it' and make promises .... he's clearly not that keen. Sorry.

I dunno, I broke up with someone who was behaving similarly - assumed he’d lost interest as why else behave so disrespectfully and unkindly? Turns out he was gobsmacked to be dumped and hadn’t wanted things to end. I assume he was just feeling safe to be a lazy and whiny brat once our relationship was established. So glad I dumped him though rather than putting up with it any longer.

Well I think you are being a little passive in the relationship. It isn’t just him that gets to decide after all.

I think the relationship has run its course to be honest and it will at best hobble along for a little bit longer if you deal with it in this passive manner as it doesn’t sound like he is quite brave enough to end it himself just yet.

Based on what you’ve said he either doesn’t want to be with you or he’s completely taking your relationship (and you) for granted and is more interested in doing other things with his time now and just wants to keep you in the background for when he can be bothered.

He’s not seen you in 3 weeks, to me this is someone trying to break up with you but not having the guts to do it properly.

Saying that, I wouldn’t tell someone they have to have a week off to think, if they don’t know now after 11 months then it’s a lost cause sorry. He’s had 3 weeks off seeing you already.

I’d cut my losses here if I were you OP, he’s not arsed so why should you be.

That's exactly what it feels like BowerOfBramble. It feels like he has now just gone into autopilot and feels safe to be lazy/rude/neglectful now that we're an established couple. In the text I made it clear that I would not put up with this behaviour.

Yea it does sound like he’s going off the boil. Did you spend all weekend together most weekends for the first few months? Some of your examples sound like he wanted to spend time doing other things - hanging out with friends or just alone which can happen if you’ve been in the infatuation bubble and that is wearing off. But, even if that’s the case, he’s going about it all wrong; saying he wants to see you and then cancelling last minute when you’ve prepped dinner etc is just rude.

Cut your losses, OP. Regardless of whether he's lost interest and wants you to end things so he isn't the bad guy, or whether he's just lazy and taking you for granted, there's nothing here for you. And in your next relationship, don't put yourself in the position where you're bustling about cooking and cleaning for someone who clearly takes this effort for granted and views you as a duty he has to build himself up to.

Why does he always come to you? Why are you never going to him? It does seem like coming to hang out with you at your house is becoming a chore for him. I think telling him your'e not happy is fine but I'm not sure about insisting that HE takes a week to think.... surely you ask him what's happening, tell him your concerns/feelings, and then he gets to respond as he likes?

It does sound like this has run its course. You appear to like the routine and process and he doesn't.

What's going on in their life?

Re-read what you've written; it's all about you. Something has clearly changed in your partner's life very recently, and your response has been to scold, and cut contact.

What have you done to make them feel comfortable discussing whatever has changed with you?

For example, everything you've written suggests that when they spend time with you it's at your home. When do you make the effort to go their home? Do you feel like every time you're together has to be "special"? Do they feel like they can't talk to you about crap things in their life because it will upset you because it ruins the time you spend together?

Thanks for all the feedback.

PriestessofPing - We have spent every weekend together, except the last three, for the past eleven months. Although most of the time we were alone, we did see our friends and families too.

BlingLoving - I have stayed at his flat a few times but we tend to stayat mine more because it's bigger and I have a garden which we enjoyed tending during lockdowns.

The reason I suggested that he take a week is because I was so angry that he cancelled when he knew that I'd spent the day cooking and cleaning but I didn't want to shout at him. I'm still angry now but felt that if I expressed myself in anger it would do the relationship harm. I got even angrier when he said ""If it's that big a deal I'll come and see you tonight" as it felt so insulting.

UnvarnishedTruth - Having spoken to him multiple times every day I know that nothing has changed in his life. I have always made sure that he feels comfortable discussing every aspect of his life and done a lot to help him at difficult times. He has opened up to me about many painful things in his life including a difficult childhood. If anything major has happened he hasn't told me about it and I've made it clear he can tell me anything.

@Member82

Thanks for all the feedback.

PriestessofPing - We have spent every weekend together, except the last three, for the past eleven months. Although most of the time we were alone, we did see our friends and families too.

BlingLoving - I have stayed at his flat a few times but we tend to stayat mine more because it's bigger and I have a garden which we enjoyed tending during lockdowns.

The reason I suggested that he take a week is because I was so angry that he cancelled when he knew that I'd spent the day cooking and cleaning but I didn't want to shout at him. I'm still angry now but felt that if I expressed myself in anger it would do the relationship harm. I got even angrier when he said ""If it's that big a deal I'll come and see you tonight" as it felt so insulting.

But why do you feel you need to suppress your anger or 'do the relationship harm'? Why is your anger at wasted time and effort less important than the status quo, especially when that status quo seemingly involves a lot of prep work for you, and visits to you nonetheless being viewed as a chore by your boyfriend?

I think then that if you’ve spent basically every weekend together for nearly a year and that involved also socialising together with friends and family (which is what I think your post implies) maybe he wants space and to ‘de-couple’ a little bit - but is going about it in a pretty silly way by just cancelling dates or being less available rather than literally saying he wants some couple free time.

Added to you saying you didn’t want to express the extent of how annoyed you were (and i’ve had been annoyed as well after cooking and getting ready for a date) I wonder whether you are both a bit conflict avoidant?

Do you feel happy to have some weekends where you don’t see each other and do your own thing? Or would that upset you? Sounds like it’s been intense so far and perhaps it’s time to rebalance?

I think tbh that every weekend straight after work and until 6pm on a Sunday is a lot! When does he get downtime at home alone or to see his mates by himself? When do you?

Charette - I know that I struggle to express anger or disappointment in relationships. This is something I am trying to work on. Too often I remain quiet and hold back in the moment.

PriestessofPing - The way we've worked our relationship so far has seen both us work during the week, seeing our friends/families separately, going to the gym, team sports, classes etc. We keep in touch but we're pretty independent Monday-Thursday. I wouldn't be averse to a weekend separate if for example, something came up, but is two days a week not a normal amount of time for a supposedly serious couple to spend in each other's company? Am I asking too much. We're both in our early forties. We're not kids any more.

I know you don't want to hear this but he sounds as though he is more interested in a casual FWB relationship than you are - you are providing a comfortable, clean flat with a garden, home cooked meals and (I assume) sex .... he's found himself in a very comfortable position and doesn't need to do much except turn up when and if he feels like it. Have some self respect, ditch him.

I think then that if you’ve spent basically every weekend together for nearly a year and that involved also socialising together with friends and family (which is what I think your post implies) maybe he wants space and to ‘de-couple’ a little bit - but is going about it in a pretty silly way by just cancelling dates or being less available rather than literally saying he wants some couple free time.

I would agree with this ^^, it sounds a little bit like you almost noting how time you spend together with the nightly routine calls, expecting him to arrive at specific time , leave after a specific time.
Not sure about the term “I scalded him”, does sound very nice at all, I would imagine the relationship is over now.

I can totally understand your frustration. I think I would have done the same. You have said your piece so if he doesn’t respond then he is a lazy bastard who doesn’t respect you or want to pursue things. Well done you xx