Having your cake and eating it too

[Fruitandnuts]

Been in a relationship close to 2 years now. I have posted before about thinking of TTC as I am nearly 39. There are some nagging doubts about the relationship and i plan to sit down and discuss these but need a sounding board and some advice on the best approach.

In many aspects my DP is amazing. However

• He currently works away during the week, i am not enjoying this. I had a LDR years ago and it just made me miserable. I want my partner to be here to share all the times not just the highlight reel of weekends. A relationship needs to happen in the drudgery of life too. Currently the project he works on has been pushed out for a few months so i am facing a lonely summer. Don't get me wrong i can fill my time with friends and family, i have many hobbies but its not the same and i will end up looking for ways to fill my time rather than spending it with a proper partner in the here & now.

I feel like its very beneficial for a man to work away, he can have the best of both worlds. Living with other men, potentially weekday pints and fun and then come home to a loving and caring woman. What man wouldn't be happy with that? a commitment phobe ?

• He has a DC who i have not been introduced too yet. I have been respectful and there doesn't seem to be any issues with ex etc. I'm starting to feel like why haven't i been introduced? My conclusion is starting to feel like he's not 100% sure on me ? again commitment phobe ?

How do i approach this?

Regarding the job, I don't think you can read that he's a commit-phobe because he has to work away. Lots of people work away for days (or longer) at a time. They aren't all commitment-phobes, it's just the nature of the work.

If you aren't happy with that arrangement then you need to think about whether you can learn to like it - you can't expect him to change his job, or hold it against him.

And I'd especially rethink having a child with him, because if you don't like him being away, you'll like it even less if you have a baby to look after and you're doing 90% of the parenting.

2 years seems a long time to not have introduced you to his DC. Especially as you're serious enough to be thinking of starting a family yourselves. What reason has he given for the delay?

I suppose my short answer would be - don't TTC when you have any doubts about the relationship. Small doubts can become huge problems when you throw children in to the mix. Please don't be tempted to have a baby because you're 39 rather than because you've found a great man who is commited and who will be a wonderful father. If the relationship is anything less than solid, it will create problems and resentments.

My Mr would hate to work away to that level.

Hanging out with other men having a pint missing his kids everyday is not a benefit. Well not to him anyway.

But if you have to work away you just have to and get on with it. That's everyone, you, him, any future kids.

So if you are planning on chatting about all this, start at the beginning and just talk. Before we got pregnant we thrashed out exactly what each of us expected as partners and parents from the other before we even got pregnant. So there were no surprises in demands later down the line.

Does he want, really want, a child with you? That is what you need to establish, that he is prepared to do everything in his power to make a family work with you. Would that mean moving areas so he could commute at least some of the time even if it means you moving work as well, this is where compromise comes in. But if you do move area you both need to be pretty sure as it sounds like you have an established life where you are.

How would money, housing, next of kin, schooling, illness work? You need to talk through everything beforehand.

And then see where you are.

Oh of course and his existing child.

There is a lot of balls to juggle.

But you need to know and if you are going to deal with a baby together you should be able to talk about it beforehand actually you should be able to talk about anything beforehand because babies/kids are hard work on a relationship. Worth it, but hard at times.

Thank you for replies. There has been no reason given for not meeting his DC, i guess i need to ask. I've not pushed for it but its now at the stage were my friends and family are making comments and im thinking up reasons in my head.

Hello. I'm sort of seeing things from different angles. I am in a relationship since last summer with a man that I'm slow moving along with. It's the slowest relationship I've ever been in. We got together and he was earning £3500 a month. All was OK then his back operation broke and he's now in agony. 7th month being off work, skint and depressed. It's been the hardest time. It's lonely. Frustrating. Boring at times. All I want is someone to go places with and share life with. I have two children he hadn't met. The reason for me is he's just not selling himself yet. I'm not willing to introduce him until our lives get better as a couple. How old are his children? It could be that he's treading with caution. Although 2 years is ages.

Ofcourse you need the relationship to be right for you. If him working away is going to make things dull and boring for you then you do need to talk and get some honest communication going. Ask him about the kids. Actions speak louder than words and listen to your gut.

I think sometimes if a man has been stung in the past he can have walls up and fears yo commit. They don't always talk as openly and it can create anxiety. Try and talk through and be open and honest.

@Flowersgrow4eva thank you!
His 1 DC is a teenager. I guess brutal honesty is needed.