Poisonous step mother and Peppa Pig on repeat !

[tiddlemouse]

How would you deal with this?
I was married to my ex for 23 years. He had an affair with a woman whilst working in Asia and got her pregnant (an accident apparently). Left myself and our two (then teenaged) children overnight and flew back to Asia to be with her. Spent £800 a day on her when they first met (you can probably make out what her job was).

My children are now early 20's and have not got over the pain of their dad deserting them and immediately having another child. Not only that but the OW was absolutely hideous to us when she thought she would lose her UK visa. Examples are, she found out my children's mobile numbers and wrote disgusting things about my son's autism, how ugly and fat I was and how my daughter is 'fucking lazy'!

There has never been an apology to any of us, yet the ex expects my two children to treat her like a wonderful step mother. My son is very easy going but finds her cuddles a tad weird. My daughter has nothing to do with her.

What I just cannot fathom is that the ex cannot understand that our grown up adult children have no interest in watching Peppa Pig on repeat or spending time with this grim woman. He makes our kids feel bad all the time by saying 'I hate having to live this double life!' He seems to have no comprehension that he shat on all of us from a big height and the hurt is still there.

I obviously don't want my children to go without a father, but will my kids ever get their dad back?

My daughter now says that she won't have a wedding as it's all too complicated and she worried what the OW will do to possibly mess things up on the day. We had the same with my son's graduation where the ex suddenly said he couldn't turn up as he'd forgotten and instead booked a camping holiday.

Just venting really - so sorry !

It sounds like an awful situation. You are focusing the wrong person here though. I mean that very gently - and in no way standing up for the SM here.

Yes the SM is not nice and a problem. BUT that’s more of a distraction from the fact that your ex continues to choose all of this. He allows her to treat his older children this way and he chooses to stay with her.

It probably is easier for you and the children to focus on this terrible outsider than to place the blame entirely on the shoulders of the (ex)husband/father who let you down so badly - and continues to let your children down. The reason they aren’t ‘getting their father back’ sadly is that their father is terrible and doesn’t choose to put their needs first.

The only thing you can really do is to help your children to seek counselling to understand that it’s him (not them) who is the problem. And to draw appropriate boundaries for themselves. It’s a terrible situation - they just have to survive their toxic father as best they can. The SM situation is just one manifestation of the problem with him.

Your children do not need to see their father if they don’t want to. That situation sound toxic and I’d want to keep them away, especially if the SM is making your son feel uncomfortable.

The children are young adults though. There’s no ‘keeping them away’, only helping them to come to terms with how much their father has let them down and drawing their boundaries so his ongoing life choices can’t affect them so negatively.

I don't understand the Peppa part? Does she have a young child with your ex?

@elliotGoss - yes, as in the first paragraph of my blurb x