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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Me or friend?

19 replies

CookiesAndMilk97 · 21/03/2022 07:48

Just needing some advice.

I have a friend Who quite simply I find very overwhelming and I need to be in a good head space to deal with her. I don't mean it rudely but I'm sure we've al had a friend like that at some point!
I've tried to step back from them and hold my boundaries.

But every day she asks if she can come round. I have been saying no and saying I'll message her when I'm more up to it for her to continue to ask the next day etc.
It got to the point where I ranted on SM Blushsaying I wasn't myself right now and I was finding things hard (coming up to the anniversary for my child's death) and that I would be back to my normal self in a few weeks as she just wouldn't take the hint and I felt extremely backed into a corner with it all.

She backed off for a few days and has yet again if she can come over. Is it me? Am I not being clear enough?
Just finding it very overwhelming and I don't want to keep having to repeat myself, end of the day it's my home and I don't like others self inviting themselves as it really puts me on the spot.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 21/03/2022 08:13

I'd say you need to be clearer. If she still persists then, then re-evaluate the friendship but people aren't mind readers and not everyone reads hints.

Direct communication would solve half the problems I read on this board, tbh!

Ragwort · 21/03/2022 08:16

Be more assertive, and why does she need to come to your home? Would it be easier for you to go to her home or meet somewhere neutral - for a walk or a coffee? It can be quite draining to have people visit at home, you are not in control over when they arrive or leave and it can feel quite 'passive' and 'intrusive'.

Original poster
CookiesAndMilk97 · 21/03/2022 08:20

@Ragwort

Be more assertive, and why does she need to come to your home? Would it be easier for you to go to her home or meet somewhere neutral - for a walk or a coffee? It can be quite draining to have people visit at home, you are not in control over when they arrive or leave and it can feel quite 'passive' and 'intrusive'.
She never invites me to hers, she's always insisted she comes here. I've said no every time And told her I'll let her know when I'm up for seeing people at least 4 times but she keeps on asking.
OP posts:
Mosaic123 · 21/03/2022 08:23

I think I'd stop answering her and stop being friends.

She's got no empathy whatsoever.

Hiddenvoice · 21/03/2022 08:26

I think if she’s not getting the hint and she’s making you feel stressed then you either say in a more direct tone that you need to back off from the friendship for a while to focus on you or you ignore her messages.
I’m usually not one for ignoring messages but it might give her a hint. Only issue is she might just turn up!

Ragwort · 21/03/2022 08:32

She sounds incredibly rude if she 'insists' on visiting your house but won't invite you to her's? Maybe it's got to the point where you just need to totally ignore her messages and/or block her.

HellToTheNope · 21/03/2022 08:39

I'd be doing far more than just saying no at this point. She is simply not listening or respecting your need for space. I would be blocking her calls and texts, and I would ending the "friendship." Your relationship with her is one of those that just isn't meant to last.

Original poster
CookiesAndMilk97 · 21/03/2022 08:58

I have been ignoring her. Ignored her three times last week as I was fed up of repeating the same thing for two weeks straight everytime I spoke to her again I repeated the same thing.
It's really stressing me out, I've asked for space and it just gets ignored.
I told her it was near the anniversary of my child's death and needed space to grieve to be told "of course you'll be upset it something that meant a lot to you." Like it was my pet that died or something and then she continues to ask.

All my other friends have been fine with it and said they're here if I need them and they'll see me when I'm up for it so I don't understand. Maybe I should just continue to ignore like suggested.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 21/03/2022 09:07

Friends respect and support you. She doesn't sound like much of a friend.

FinallyHere · 21/03/2022 09:09

need to be in a good head space to deal with her

Not sure I would count this person as a friend. I just can't imagine someone 'insisting' on visiting my home. How does that even work. Friend < tries to be pushy> I reply sorry that does not work for me and end the conversation.

This is not a friend. Disengage.

Jellybean23 · 21/03/2022 09:20

You have two choices really. Continue to ignore her or tell her straight how it is.
You only live your life once and if this is something hanging over you and making you unhappy, put yourself first and say you don't want to meet up again.
If you do want occasional contact, say that, and stipulate how often as she sounds a bit fixated on you. You need to be strong and set the boundaries or she will take over your life. This is your opportunity also to say you don't always want to meet at your house. No doubt you have trouble getting her to leave once she's comfortable in yours.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 21/03/2022 09:27

Just block her op.

Original poster
CookiesAndMilk97 · 21/03/2022 09:31

I can't block her as tempting as that is as she's someone I see out and about all the time, trying not to out myself.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 21/03/2022 09:39

So just tell her face to face you are having some time out to mourn.
She is very dumb.

girlmom21 · 21/03/2022 09:46

@CookiesAndMilk97

I can't block her as tempting as that is as she's someone I see out and about all the time, trying not to out myself.
You can block her and you can send her a message beforehand to say you're doing so because she has no respect for you.
Hiddenvoice · 21/03/2022 10:20

She clearly doesn’t understand what you’re going through and thinks she’s helping by wanting to meet up all the time, which is not what you need.

Keep ignoring or be blunt and say you’ll contact her when you’re ready but please stop messaging me right now.

mumonthehill · 21/03/2022 10:27

Hi x as I have said at the moment I do not feel up to seeing people. I am going to have a few weeks where I may not respond to messages. I am sure you will understand and I will be in touch when I feel ready.

layladomino · 21/03/2022 10:38

You are worrying about this because you have boundaries and respect for other people. Your friend doesn't. She isn't showing any empathy, any care, any respect for you and what you want and need. So I'm afraid you can't be subtle with her. She will either miss the cues or deliberately ignore them.

She isn't worrying about your feelings so don't worry so much about hers.

phizog · 21/03/2022 11:29

Just mute her on WhatsApp and any other messaging channel so you don't see her messages and then just ignore her completely.

If you see her out and about be polite. If she questions why you're not responding, tell her you don't appreciate her repeated requests to meet when you've said you need time to yourself and aren't available atm. And continue to ignore her for as long as she doesn't take the hint.

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