If your own mother is divorced/single...

[BlueHipppo]

Keen to hear from others whose mothers are divorced or single and not remarried / no new partner. How do you find your DM's approach to your own marriage? And how do you manage their feelings / experience/ lack of experience when it comes to your own marriage and family?

As I have got older I have realised how much my DM's unintentional comments are sad and did have a real impact on how I viewed relationships. She always talked about relationships as if they are all doomed and growing up I now see she created a bit of a sense that out family setup was inadequate. I guess times have changed and we celebrate different family set ups now, but I always felt my mum's shame of being a single parent. I feel awful for her thinking about it, but also realise I lived with the consequences of those feelings for a long time too.

I am married very happily. My mother had a tricky marriage to my father who had nasty affairs and was generally emotionally switched off. They had an incredibly messy divorce. He treated her badly and left her with zero self esteem and a lot of anger.

She has got a busy life but it is only due to me pushing her that I'd say she has 99% moved on mentally and realised she can't live forever completely in the shadows of it and letting feeling sorry for herself dominate life. I don't say that without sympathy- she did go through horrors.

Still occasionally DM makes comments comparing if I one day get divorced how money settlement would be, or how women need to keep men happy i a marriage or they will cheat, or how I should always protect myself. I am grateful for her always encouraging me to be financially sound myself and have some savings of my own. All incredibly sensible advice that she was never given and then needed more than ever.

However, I do sometimes feel she expects my life to fall apart any day. And while I know why she acts that way, it does get me down and make me feel like she doesn't have confidence in my decisions and can't detach my life / new ish marriage from her past marriage.

I love her very much and feel she does listen when I talk to her about all this and encourage her to make new chapters and trust life more. She is a wonderful grandmother too. Just wondering if others have similar situations.

My parents divorced, mum had the affair but dad wasn’t a good husband. He met someone and has been remarried 20+ years, mum had a few relationships but has been single over a decade and very happily so.

She’s very supportive of mine and all my siblings marriages and hasn’t said anything like yours has. I had a very bad first marriage, I know she had her doubts about it but didn’t share them till it was over and was mostly very supportive. She’s besotted with my husband and he jointly gave her her first grandchild so she’s highly invested in this marriage working.

Her parents had a horrendous marriage, I know she felt a very long shadow of that and it definitely hurt hers and my dads relationship. I think she’s worked hard on not letting her own struggles affect us.

She has got a busy life but it is only due to me pushing her that I'd say she has 99% moved on mentally and realised she can't live forever completely in the shadows of it and letting feeling sorry for herself dominate life. I don't say that without sympathy- she did go through horrors

Ultimately, she did the work on herself, you can't take all the credit there.
Did she also have a rough childhood?
If so, let her move forward at her own pace. The fact that she left your father, and raised you ( I assume lovingly) is massive. Some people can never shake off the horrors of their younger years.

However, it's not on that she's alluding to your presumed eventual divorce. Next time she does it, I would just say how upsetting it is and ask if she could keep such thoughts to herself

My mum sounds similar, she’s full of marriage advice and regularly says “I wouldn’t be putting up with that” over trivial things (bins etc) but I know full well she stayed with my dad who was cheating and gas lighting.

She doesn’t trust men at all, so she often talks about my half sisters husband negatively and every time he leaves the house she’s concocted a reason that might mean he’s cheating. I don’t know if she says they same to other people about my husband but I wouldn’t be surprised.

I don’t feel like I have much of an example of how a good marriage should be and I feel like her influence actively makes my marriage harder but my husband is great and sees what she is like so he understands. Luckily trust is a non issue between us as my husband is very trustworthy so she doesn’t get many opportunities to get in my head on this

Thanks all. To be clear my mum Ioves my husband and is incredibly kind and welcoming to him. I think she very much hopes I have a long and happy marriage, just can't help applying her learnt caution to my life.

Sometimes I think her experiences mean she is naturally a little weary and needs a lot of reassurance in relationships. Possibly also because her family experience and close interactions is just me and my DB and has been for a long time.

I think it’s sensible for everyone to have a back up plan as a lot of relationships don’t work out.

My son married (a lovely) young woman whose mum split from husband when DiL was a wee thing. She has a very negative view of my son, to the extent that DiL won't speak to her mum now. I find it very sad. But it seems she just doesn't 'do' men now.

My mum stayed with my dad to help him through mental health issues and an addiction when I was young but then after many years it became too much and she left. Good for her. Then he almost immediately passed away. She's always felt guilty and has rewritten the narrative so that she never left and she sort of plays on the fact that she's a grieving widow (almost 20 years on) and he was the love of her life, it was a perfect marriage etc etc, all of which was not true.

I stayed with my ex despite years of misery, also at her encouragement, probably because that's the behaviour I'd witnessed growing up. I thought love was self sacrifice and putting up with awful behaviour. She supported me leaving my ex eventually but then to his face is all very nicey-nice, she knows full well what a shit he's been throughout the last few years of our marriage, always said she's never going to give him the time of day etc but when she saw him recently actually gave him a hug. She's never bloody hugged him in her life except maybe our wedding day! I felt like it really undermined what I'd been through during the past rough years and the initial separation. When I spoke with her about it she conveniently 'couldn't remember' hugging him and chatting so nicely with him I think she has a very odd view of men and relationships, some of which I obviously picked up on and echoed.

My mum and dad were together when she died in December.

However, they split when I was born. Her and dad gor back together when I was in my mid teens.

I would guess her comments are out of fear. She wants you to remain happily married. But having been through an awful divorce, she is probably scared that will experience the same thing.

She is probably scared that of your dh does cheat or leave, you will have made the same mistakes she did and find yourself in a bad position because of decisions made long before.

I would guess its fear and the need to try and protect you, should the relationship fail. Not that she wants to or expects it.

I am divorced after a long marriage. It does change your view. We were happy for 13 of the 18 years we were together. I made decisions that mum didn't. It helped when he turned into someone I didn't know. For no reason he can explain.

These decisions have help3d me and the kids coped when he went from great faf who did at least half of the child care to a man who saw them as an inconvenience.

As a result, I do (internally) raise an eyebrow when I know women making decisions because 'my husband would never do that'. I don't obviously say anything and fo support my friends. But it does colour your view. My dd is 18. We have lots of conversations around how to protect herself in a relationship on a general sense. And the same with ds.

I think this is because she cares and is worried history will repeat itself.

My mother had a short and abusive marriage (lasted about a year) during which time she had me, then left my father, who I never knew. She was extremely closed off about what had happened and as a child I picked up on that and never asked her anything. At school, everyone else had a dad in the picture, I did not (this was a long time ago when marriage breakups were far less common).

Mum never remarried or indeed had any other relationships. She was extremely protective of me and as I grew up this manifested as tactics to prevent me having any relationships myself ‘you can always do that later, get your degree first’ sort of thing. It was only in my forties I discovered her father had also been abusive to her, so no wonder she was so damaged.

As I approached my 30s (still never had a boyfriend!) Mum’s behaviour grew more erratic and difficult and I ended up leaving home. It became apparent she was trying to ‘protect’ me by keeping me at home, so I would not end up like she had. I had one short relationship, then married someone else (after only a few weeks of knowing them). That marriage ended up being an abusive one and I didn’t tell my mother about it for ages (by then we lived half a world apart). I got divorced after 5 years. Thankfully, 2 years later I met a wonderful guy and am still with him 25 years later.

Mum had a very unhappy life and I was determined not to ‘hate men’ as my mother had done, despite having an abusive marriage myself (which did affect me profoundly for some time afterwards). She did accept my marriage and was horrified and upset when she found out what I’d been through, however by then she’d accepted I was living my own life and had stopped trying to control me. Mum did meet my current partner when she came for a visit many years ago, and was fine with him, but she was already ill and she has now sadly passed on, I wish she could have found someone decent to be with, too.

On one hand my mother now freely admits she was a 'doormat' where my father was concerned - he had affairs their whole marriage, until he left her for another woman when I was 21. She was 47, never had another relationship again. As a Catholic, my mother still believes she is married to my father until one of them dies. My father married the OW 5 years later, and has now been married to her for longer than he was married to my mother.

My mother thought I would be a 'clone' of her - get married young, have children young, be a SAHM. I only did the first, and I ended the marriage 2 and a half years later as I wasn't happy. She hated (still hates) that. I married my second husband when I was 33, once again she thought I'd immediately have children...even though I had been making it clear since I was 9 that I didn't want children. Neither of my husbands did either, I wouldn't have even had a relationship with them if they had.

My mother still has very 50s era views when it comes to marriage and relationships. If I even hint that I'm not willing to put up with any sort of nonsense from my now partner, she'll make some comment about how I should be 'nice' to him. The doormat streak in her still runs strong...

Interesting post OP. My mum has some similarities to yours I think.
My mum divorced my dad in 1994. I was only young, but looking back, it was a decent marriage. My dad was hard working, a good dad, faithful. He was immature though and used to go to the pub too much etc.
Anyway, since the divorce (and throughout most of my life, since that happened when I was only 8) mum has painted a very grim picture of family life. She encouraged me not to have kids. She also pitted my suster and me against kne another and has laid the foundations for us not really having anything to do with one another as adults. She doesn't really 'get' romantic love - I wonder if she ever did. She is polite to my lovely husband of 16 years, but doesnt treat him like a member of the family. She's made comments before about how we "pal along nicely" and, asking about when we got together, said "When did you first become pals?". I wanted to say "mum, we're not 'palling around' - we're deeply in love with one another". I'm sure she thinks that she is my first priority in life, when of course it's my husband who is.
The thing that troubles me the most is how totally and utterly 'stuck' my mum is. It's like the divorce was the one daring thing she's ever done in her life. She had one job for 40 years, has lived in the same home for nearly 50 years, paints every room of her home the same shade that she's used for decades (as one example of many), is totally focused on routine and (increasingly as she gets older) frugality.
She never dated after the divorce. She could hide behind parenthood for years "There's no way I'm exposing you girls to a man". Then we both left home and she ran out of excuses and was obviously just too scared to attempt it. She claims she's happy single, but isn't an independent sort of person - she needs her brothers to do an awful lot for her and doesn't seem to value friendship that much (despite having plenty of friends). She has never taken responsibility for making herself happy - she just sits and waits for others to invite her for lunch, ask her if she'd like to go away for a weekend, ask her if she wants to go on a day trip. She's very jealous of people in relationships - she's got very close to several new female friends over the years and then angrily distances herself from them if they meet a man.
Like your mum OP, mine thinks marriage is likely to end in divorce. If she spends enough time around a couple, she will convince herself that they are heading for divorce. She interfered in my sisters marriage once and said something to her husband that she had no place to. She also is the cleaner for another family member and looked up the husband's earnings online and started saying to me that she doesn't think he earns enough and his wife will get sick of it and want to divorce him.
It's tiring for me and I find I've kept her at arms length since I left home at 18.
Unlike your mum OP, I can't talk to mine about trying new things or being more trusting as, unfortunately, she's totally closed emotionally.

My mother was divorced 2x, especially bitter from my dad. Think my mother was jealous of anyone who had happy marriages, but more than that, she was happy for them, especially for anyone she cared about & wanted to be happy. She wasn't like MNers. She didn't condemn all men just because a few had treated her badly.

My parents marriage was terrible and I'm determined mine will be good!

I'm super aware if my flaws and try and work hard at open honest communication.

@Turningpurple

My mum and dad were together when she died in December.

However, they split when I was born. Her and dad gor back together when I was in my mid teens.

I would guess her comments are out of fear. She wants you to remain happily married. But having been through an awful divorce, she is probably scared that will experience the same thing.

She is probably scared that of your dh does cheat or leave, you will have made the same mistakes she did and find yourself in a bad position because of decisions made long before.

I would guess its fear and the need to try and protect you, should the relationship fail. Not that she wants to or expects it.

I am divorced after a long marriage. It does change your view. We were happy for 13 of the 18 years we were together. I made decisions that mum didn't. It helped when he turned into someone I didn't know. For no reason he can explain.

These decisions have help3d me and the kids coped when he went from great faf who did at least half of the child care to a man who saw them as an inconvenience.

As a result, I do (internally) raise an eyebrow when I know women making decisions because 'my husband would never do that'. I don't obviously say anything and fo support my friends. But it does colour your view. My dd is 18. We have lots of conversations around how to protect herself in a relationship on a general sense. And the same with ds.

I think this is because she cares and is worried history will repeat itself.

This all ring true and is the angle I take.

Whenever I moan to my DH, he always says she is just protecting you and very protective of your happiness so you don't go through what she did.

It is frustrating sometimes but I guess life grates people down and we can't understand unless we are walking in their shoes.

Its difficult because when you go through a divorce, it really can make your life so difficult for years and years. In some cases, forever.

Its not about Condemning all men, as a pp said. Its sounds like she likes your dh. Its about living through you life changing completely and the years of recovery that can take.

No one wants anything like that for their kids.

Sounds like your dh is very understanding and not upset by it. If he was, then it would be different. Just keep repeating 'she is saying it because she cares'.

That's what I did when mum was irritating

Yes absolutely Turningpurple.

I also see how my in laws (perfectly happily married) have their flaws and can be interferring or over step the mark occasionally. They can make comments showing how little life experience they have beyond their quite perfect bubble and so I see the other side of it and that in ways I am lucky to have a mother encouraging understanding that life takes twists and turns.

To disclaimer: I also think my in laws are fab in most other ways and we get on well and value what they add to our family and DC's lives, just as we value my mum's input! So it is all swings and roundabouts in a way...

My mum's always been single, never been in a stable relationship. And it seems as if I've followed the same route.. I've never had a healthy perspective of relationships and I wanted to settle down VERY young. Although never got past the dating stage, even 7 years in I've never moved out, lived with anyone or even made mutual plans in a relationship.

I would just challenge her (nicely) when she says these things. Tell her keeping a man happy so he doesn’t wander is a very old fashioned belief.

Tell her that you feel her worries and views stem from her experience in relationships which differ from the experience and the solid relationship you have with your partner.

Just point out that actually she’s projecting her fears and insecurities onto others and whilst it comes from a place of love it’s not healthy or helping.

Imagine her giving these relationship titbits to your children as they grow?! I’d explain those aren’t views you want your children to hold as they will have a healthy relationship to model from having grown up with you and DP.