Ex’s behaviour towards kids

[Phillipa34]

After some advice, especially if you have been in a similar situation..

Couple of months ago, ex partner physically attacked me (in front of eldest child).
He was also abusive emotionally and sexually coercive for years but somehow, as it wasn’t too physical (would throw plates, punch holes in walls) I was in denial, believed him when he said I couldn’t parent without him and didn’t actual recognise it for the abuse it is.

I called police after the attack, they kept him for 24 hours then let him go with a caution!
I have applied for a non-molestation order and we have a court date set (emergency injunction denied.)

Since this happened, he has taken to texting our child messages :

• saying how lonely he is
• which B&B he is staying in and how he longs for the day he can be back at home with his children again
• will send pictures of him cuddling DC blankets
• ‘Please pray, one day I will be your daddy again’ (he’s not even religious!!)
• if child doesn’t answer, he will ring back to back, accuse of avoiding his calls. Literally begs for him to speak to him

For clarification, he has only made two attempts to see the children. Total time spent with them was less that THIRTY minutes and I had to bring children to him.
Ex bawled his eyes out (the children told me after) and they both say they don’t want to see him, talk to him as it’s ‘weird’ seeing him crying.

Does any of this sound normal or is it, continued psychological/emotional abuse but towards the kids this time?

Also says things like ‘mummy isn’t thinking straight now’
Denies ever being physical with me, even though child saw not with his own eyes!

He's obviously a professional manipulator. Bloody bastard.

how old are the kids?

they would not be going near them if i could help it...!

Block his number on your dcs phones. What he is doing is abusive

Children are 6 & 11

He never plans anything.. missed youngest’s birthday as he was ‘too upset’ then rang at 4pm on the birthday to ask if he could come round.
He had been served the court papers by this point, the birthday celebrations were in full swing in my home, that I will not let him back into, so I said no

Please, please speak to Women's Aid ASAP for solid advice on how you can protect your children from this emotional abuse and manipulation.

My instinct is to say to block him on their phones and insist contact is through you but I don't know if that's something that legally can be enforced - which is why you need to speak to Women's Aid ASAP to get some definite advice on this.

You poor thing, he sounds absolutely awful. And your poor kids having to deal with a grown man manipulating them like this

I can't believe they denied your emergency injunction when there was physical violence and an arrest. It does not sound like he can put your children's interest and well-being first right now so I'd stop contact and let him take you to court for access. Or insist on supervised contact only, which he can pay for. Make sure you keep a log of any texts, voicemails, things your children have told you etc. Ask for the injunction to include the children as they need protection from his continued emotional abuse. Also block him on the child's phone, that must be so upsetting for them to get all the texts and calls. If you are happy for them to have phone contact, agree a day and time and say you will monitor, any nonsense and you stop the call. And again, log when this happened and why. You now need to set boundaries for yourself and the children, it's tough but will give you peace and stability in the long run. Good luck xx

Thanks for the replies, so far.

Being under his mind games for so long, then having some relative freedom since he has been gone, it’s all so confusing to know what’s right. If that makes sense?

I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid, I have a solicitor - both advised to block him. Spoke to two other DV charities who advised that, this is all evidence for me. It is so hard seeing his name his paragraph-like texts (they are so long), protesting his innocence, saying I’m denying him seeing kids - I’m not. He can see them, just not at my house.

I don’t reply, or when I do I simply say ‘stop’ I’m just HOPING that this is now enough evidence for the injunction to be granted.

I’m just worried because he is an amazing liar. He presents as the nicest, most caring dad, which is partly why it took me so long to get out of this mess. He told me no one would believe me.

I am getting stronger. I do have hope. I am also realistic and know the healing process is far from straight forward.
I’ve begun therapy again (had to stop going a few years ago when he found out and threatened to tell everyone I was crazy)

Sorry you and your DC are going through this

Definitely not normal behaviour. It is harassment. Please keep a record of all the messages/calls on your DC’s phone.

Don’t reply to any of it. He’s wanting a reaction. Call 999 ASAP if he makes any threats. He sounds awful and unhinged.

I've come out of it myself op, I know how you feel. You are doing an amazing job, please be kind to yourself. It takes huge strength to do what you have done. Definitely block on the child's phone, it's not fair on them. If he keeps messaging you with this stuff, then just send one message telling him to stop harassing you or you will forced to report it. If he continues, report it to the police for harassment. Even if they take no action, it helps to have it on file. See if there is a freedom programme running near you, I found it really helpful.

Thanks to all who replied.

I called 101 - mainly for advice, they’ve scheduled an interview for tomorrow. Wanted initially to meet with me and child, I said no as I don’t want him to think he’s potentially getting his dad in trouble.
They are happy to meet with just me, and look at the phone and messages and see where to go from here.

I’m glad the police are taking it seriously and so quick too! Hope the meeting goes as well as it can xx

I hope the interview goes well tomorrow.

Just thinking, would it be best to just get the kids new sim cards and let him keep texting but put the old sims in new cheap phones....or else depending on the phone you can sometimes restrict people so that the message goes to a restricted folder but they won't get a notification for it....just because if he keeps it up and it takes a while to get to court it would show that he kept sending the messages.

If you block everything now and it goes to court he could say he had stopped doing all of that!

How are you doing op? Were police able to advise options?

Thanks for checking in.

I had to cancel the appointment as had a sick child and want to protect the children from as much of the goings on as possible.

Appointment is rescheduled for tomorrow morning, injunction will take place tomorrow afternoon.

Had a quiet few days from the ex, until last night when he started again with Back to back messages to our child.
He was calling him a liar as he believed eldest hadnt actually asked the youngest ex’s suggestion of meeting in the park. Ex then called child and told him he was a liar who is ‘preventing him’ from having a relationship with other child.
This is untrue - honestly, neither kids want much to do with him, for some reason he cannot understand this.
His behaviour is showing them the truth, in some ways I’m grateful they can see it for themselves. Of course I still want and will, protect them.

*youngest child not youngest ex

How is he contacting your 11 year old directly? You need to prevent this asap. Change sim, block number - there ways to stop your 11 year old getting abusive manipulative messages and calls. Hoping your ex will suddenly realise he's been an asshole is not realistic. You need to create a barrier between him and his father.

Poor kids and you, you all deserve better. I'd really consider blocking him on kids phone, that's just too much drama for them. I hope your appointment goes well and injunction is approved. I have a non molestation order in place and it stipulates he can only email regarding child contact, up to twice a week and in a friendly manner. It really helps reign it in.

Update: the police were very helpful. They believe the messages to child, although inappropriate are not harassment, but towing the line. A refererral has now been made to Merlin, screenshots were taken and will be kept for 5 years. Any additional similar behaviour, they told me to report again.

Court case - ex contested the allegations and was arguing case for continued access to my house, to see kids.
The judge was amazing - said he is free to contest it, however she still ordered an injunction, starting immediately and in place until the final hearing.
With backlogs they believe it will be 1.5 years+ to get to final hearing.
He can only contact via legal team and strictly only about kids - anything else is a breach and will be taken very seriously by the court.

He had no legal representation, cried and whined throughout proceedings and generally showed his true colours.

I didn’t actually have to speak as my solicitor represented me fully. She was also amazing and I was so happy with her accurate representation.
Court ordered limited phone contact - he can only call between 5-7pm. It has to be general chat, nothing mentioning me or the court order. If he breaches this, it immediately goes back to court and will be taken as harassment.

Both police officers and my legal team said he appears to have mental health issues. It is so refreshing, after all these years to feel finally heard, believed and now, SAFE!

I hope this info serves to show others that getting out and being free is so very possible.

Thanks to all the posters who replied xx

*5-7pm is Court ordered contact between ex and child

That is an amazing update!
Well done to you(and the agencies of course)
You must feel so light and free.