Sticking it out - have I got this wrong?

[Ywnaged]

Two lovely friends got engaged to one another this weekend. I’m thrilled for them and they’ve been together nearly 10 years, but it’s quite amusing to some of us given that their relationship had a very shaky start!

My mate basically dragged his heels for the first two-three years of their relationship and privately confided in several of us that he found seeing his now-fiancé a chore! His lifestyle was very different back then and they were in their mid-twenties/ have weathered many a storm since. I can genuinely say they’re a super duo with a deep bond and I’m really pleased for them.

This has got me wondering whether a lot of my relationships (tend to be 1.5-2 yrs in length) have crashed and burned because, well, I quite like things to be easy and not hurt-y! I can’t imagine staying with someone who clearly wasn’t into me in the hope they would change. I find that past a certain point in a relationship everything drives me crazy about the other person and my gut tells me to get gone. Or I see incompatibilities with pure clarity so rather than buckle down, I buzz off.

Basically I am probably looking for elusive click/when ‘you know you know’ sense, but seeing my lovely friends so happy this weekend has made me wonder if I’m doing this all wrong. Am I setting myself up to fail? Or are they the exception rather than the rule?

I’m early thirties and not intending to have a family of my own. I would however love to be in love for the long haul.

If they’ve been together 10 years then surely there’s absolutely no harm in them getting engaged? It’s their life. I’m sure they don’t care about anyone else’s opinions on the first couple of years of their relationship.

You’re definitely not setting yourself up to fail. When you meet the right person, you’ll know. Don’t dwell on it. And certainly don’t compare yourself and your standards to other people’s relationships.

It's obviously worked out for them, and I also have friends who had shaky starts in their early twenties but grew up and together and are solid couples now.

Having said that - no I wouldn't stick around if someone wasn't that in to me, and I don't think you're doing the wrong thing.

Maybe your friends knew something was right from the start, despite their actions (they were young and can be forgiven a bit of that perhaps). Maybe they just got lucky. In my thirties I would be more choosy than in the my twenties. You have a better idea of what you want and don't want, and less romantic ideas of being in love I think.

I think it's natural to reassess our own love lives when we see friends so obviously happy and committing to each other.

Or are they the exception rather than the rule

There is no rule. They're doing it their way, you're doing it your way. There is no right way. Some people stick to hideous relationships and end up happy and old together. Some people stick to hideous relationships and have hideous lives. Some people are happy together and end up miserable. Some are happy and always stay happy. There's no 'standard' or 'appropriate' course of action.

Stick around if you feel good, leave if you start feeling crap. You an only try to get it right for yourself, for today. None of it predicts next week, next month, next year. None of us are 'setting ourselves up' for anything.

@FlissyPaps I didn’t say there was any harm in them getting engaged - quite the opposite!

I don’t know why someone just wilfully misread your post. It was very clear.

I think that having a shaky start in your mid to early 20s is very different to having shaky start in your 30s. I would not be interested in dating someone who was bad mouthing me behind my back in my 30s.

I have a mate that I've known for years. She had an incredibly rocky start to her relationship with the man she's now married to. Often splitting up, even when their first child came along. It IS hard to get your head around why they stuck it out. According to her, there are still serious issues.
I've had long relationships and have been married more than once. I'm actually quite laid back just can't take the easy route in life it seems!

@bluedodecagon thank you, my thoughts entirely!

@Walkingalot I know what you mean. I have such a low tolerance for things now compared to when I was in my twenties when I would perhaps have tolerated more suspect/less than stellar behaviour. I guess I wonder whether my tolerance levels are low or whether it’s as simple as saying I just haven’t met my person yet.

I think your friends' situation is really less common than otherwise. It's great it worked out for them, but for many others, it wouldn't have worked, or might have set in place an unhappy dynamic that would have caused issues in the marriage.

I think your way - knowing what you want & being assertive about how you expect to be treated - is by far the better way.

As someone who put up with a lot of shit, completely settled in the end & endured a very painful & abusive marriage, which finally ended - I wish I'd been more like you!

I just think that you have to be more forgiving if you date someone from a young age.

For example if I had gone into relationship with someone at 16 years old and they’d cheated on me at 17 years old, I wouldn’t think of that as real infidelity.

A guy being ambivalent about whether or not to stay in a relationship with his girlfriend at 21 years old or 22 years old is probably pretty acceptable.