Depressed ExDH driving me mad

[cowboybebop]

ExDh and I broke up summer of 2020. Married 20 years with 2 DC. ExDH has unresolved issues from a traumatic childhood and suffers from depression, substance abuse and what I think is borderline personality disorder. I decided I had enough with trying to heal him and I was wasting my own life in the process. I am
Much much happier since we broke up.

ExDH however has really struggled with losing me since I took care of him in all (unhealthy and healthy) ways and he genuinely loved me. He has been very depressed, especially since last autumn. He has almost no friends where we live and as far as I know has only attempted a few dates that have gone nowhere. He works from home and his only real social life is still with me, his kids and my family.

We get along reasonably well apart from occasional blow ups, always instigated by him. He comes over regularly to pick up and drop off kids, too regularly at times (ie multiple times every day and I WFH too)and I have before asked for more space, which he grudgingly observes for a while but then goes back to old habits, although recently that's been better.

At Xmas he was so depressed I was worried he would attempt suicide so I asked him to move back in. He stayed for a week, radiating misery on my sofa. This ruined my Xmas.

Yesterday he came over to celebrate our DCs birthday. He was monosyllabic and withdrawn and barely smiled. The kids are used to Dad being this way and so it seems normal to them and they are happy to see him. He has expressed to them his remorse at our breaking up and they as a result think of our divorce as a Bad Thing . I know they would anyway to some extent but this makes it much worse.

Honestly I can't stand having him around anymore particularly at these family gatherings that are supposed to be joyous. It completely ruins the experience for me and I am left sad and angry afterwards. My dad though who is in touch with him said he's still talking about suicide and is overwhelmed with remorse at losing me.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? I am afraid to tell him he can't come to similar events in case that tips him over the edge or he he tells the kids and they hate me but on the other hand I am building a happy post divorce life and this is really wearing on me.

He is not your responsibility. You need to see him only for handover of the kids .
What is he doing to help his MH ? Antidepressants ?

Not your problem.

I'd tell your Dad that you no longer wish to hear one word about your ex not liking the consequences of his own behaviour.

You need to reinforce your boundaries as well - your ex is trying to get under them so he can get back to how things were when it was all so comfortable for him.

He will never sort himself out while you’re still on hand to be his safety net. You need to get tough and put some boundaries in place.

Also it’s not fair of him to put the kids in the middle re divorce. He has to grow up and find his own path through and be an adult who helps the dc adjust and accept the situation too.

How old are your dc?

Your dad also needs to butt out. Fine if he wants to provide support to your ex, but he needs to stop telling you stuff. You are not responsible for your ex’s mental health. Especially not as you’ve clearly been responsible for it for 20+ years and he’s never taken steps to sort it out for himself in all that time. What an emotional drain he sounds - you split up to remove yourself from that, stay strong and stay removed.

Well, he is your ex-husband. With the emphasis on the ex. He is no longer your problem. His behaviour, his health, his social life. Nothing is your problem any more. Get a large piece of paper and pin up a sign in cupboard and look at it regularly to remind yourself. And as NeverDrop above says, tell your family not to talk to you about him and not to include him in family events.

What is your responsibility is your children and what they know and don't know. It sounds like it's time to sit them down for an age appropriate chat about your divorce. Just tell them that things were difficult between you and their father and that this some times happens with adult relationships. You will look after them and they do not need to worry about Dad. You may want to look at specialist groups for them or specialist counselling for children of parents with mental health problems. This will help them to understand that their father isn't their responsibility either.
You will also want to have a similar discussion with their father. He should not be putting his issues onto them.
Remember why you split up. Every day. He is not your problem.

You separated. He's not your responsibility anymore. You do your stuff with the children and let him do his.

Frankly, it's your own fault that you invited him to stay over Christmas. You knew what he would be like so you ruined your own Christmas.

Why are you forming any part of his social life?

It's up to him to sort this out. Not you.

Thank you all, it's very reassuring to hear these things from a variety of people. You get so wrapped up in your own history it's hard to see it clearly. I have to remember that he's a mess now but he always would have been a mess but for my taking care of him all these years. And that It's Not My Problem! I also need to talk to my kids so they don't take on that responsibility themselves.

@GeneLovesJezebel he is taking ADs and seeing a therapist but it's not enough. I don't know what would work though TBH. I don't even want to think about him anymore! :)

@GreyCarpet

You separated. He's not your responsibility anymore. You do your stuff with the children and let him do his.

Frankly, it's your own fault that you invited him to stay over Christmas. You knew what he would be like so you ruined your own Christmas.

Why are you forming any part of his social life?

It's up to him to sort this out. Not you.

@GreyCarpet I think saying it's my own fault and I ruined my own Xmas is uncalled for. I'm not saying "poor me", I was explaining the context.

Get your kids some counselling.

You are part of the problem though. Your boundaries aren't firm enough, which probably leads to expectations you might get back together on his part, when you're both getting along.
You're doing the wrong thing but for the right reasons, but it isn't working for you anymore. So how can you change that?

I think you need to put some firm boundaries in place. I'd be saying briskly to him, You need to start looking at positive ways to move on from this. We are now divorced and it's not healthy for you to rely on me or anyone else to be responsible for your happiness. I'm happy to be civil to you once a week when you drop the children off, but that's really the extent of our communications.

Or something along these lines. He needs to face up to the fact that you are gone and owe him nothing more. It's unfair that you've got out of the relationship for your own sanity and he's still expecting you to be responsible for him.

Honestly, just pull out the rug. He will find another woman to prop him up when he realises you really aren't going to keep doing it.

You need much firmer boundaries-he doesn’t need to come to your house to do birthday things. He can do something himself for them if he wants. I wouldn’t have had him for Xmas either. Tell your dad you don’t want to hear about it as well.

Inviting him to events like Christmas (why?) could make him feel worse as he spending time with you which is a reminder of what he lost. When he sees you happy and getting on with things, that could make him feel crap for not being happy too.

You're divorced and he's not your problem. You can't make him feel better and you can't make him do the work he needs to do in order to be happy.

It's very sad that your kids think his behaviour is normal though.

I am afraid to tell him he can't come to similar events in case that tips him over the edge

This is really not your responsibility.

If he threatens to 'do away with himself' call for the paramedics on the spot. Otherwise ignore him.

No more cozy invitations. He might be overwhelmed by the consequences of his own actions. Not your problem.

Ask your father to kindly stop passing on such manipulative messages.

@cherryonthecakes yes, I agree, spending time here is a double edged sword for him as it no doubt reminds him of what he messed up. I think the time has come to say it's over.

Depression is such a dreadful illness. I wish he had had the courage to take action many years ago now I think it's too late.

@FinallyHere thanks, I actually asked my dad how exDH was doing but I get your point, there is an element of manipulation there (on ex DH's part- he always plays the victim).

[quote cowboybebop]@FinallyHere thanks, I actually asked my dad how exDH was doing but I get your point, there is an element of manipulation there (on ex DH's part- he always plays the victim).[/quote]
Why are you asking after him? How is that him being manipulative? You asked!

My earlier comment wasn't uncalled for. You need to take responsibility for your part in this. Both in terms of raising his expectations but also in taking care of your own mental health and well being.

What you're doing at the moment is the equivalent of repeatedly holding your hand in a flame and asking us us how to stop it from hurting. Fires are hot. Flames burn. Don't put your hand in them. The fire is still going to be hot and the flame will still burn but it won't be hurting you any more.