What happened to my sister?

[LosingMyPancakes]

I'm looking for both a rant & some advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

My sister & I have always been very close. Mainly due to the fact we've always been so similar in our outlook and values, raised by the fierce woman that was our mother. However in recent years, I feel like she has been replaced by an impostor & I don't know what to do.

Like me, she has always held strong, feminist opinions & has been completely dedicated to her career & independence. Then, she met her now husband. This was about 3 years ago. The whole relationship was a complete whirlwind - within a few months they were engaged and married the following year. Then, she fell pregnant shortly after and my DN was born a few months ago.

I admit from the start I didn't warm to the guy. Like my sister, he was in his late 20's and already pending a divorce from a previous marriage. This was a massive red flag to me, as was his explanation behind the divorce - his wife cheated on him, he was completely innocent in all of it

My sister didn't seem too phased by it, she was so smitten by him, she dismissed all my concerns. I have to say, it was very unlike her as she was always very cautious in her previous relationships. She then proceeded to change even more. From someone who never used social media & had strong opinions on its use, she opened a number of accounts and joined him in posting every aspect of their relationship online. I mean, ever meal/trip out, every 'milestone' in their relationship was made public to the world, together with gushing messages dedicated to each other.

My DH & I, noticed from a start he was a heavy drinker - any family occasion ended up with him drinking himself to sleep. Unfortunately this was again dismissed by my sister UNTIL DN was born. When they stayed with us this Christmas, she lost her temper with my DH who suggested another drink. I asked her what her problem was and she snapped that she "doesn't want to deal with his [her DH] drunken aggression again". I was taken aback by how blasé she was about saying this. I obviously wanted to address this with her, to understand the extent of this behaviour but she stomped off to bed and wouldn't talk about it the next day, claiming it was nothing.

If that wasn't bad enough, she confided in me the other weekend that he admitted to a couple of one night stands he's had during their relationship. Again, I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. I looked at this stranger in front of me and did not know what to say. If she was my sister, she would have shown him the door by now. Yet here she sat, telling me how they're thinking of counselling to address these 'issues'. The guy drinks, cheats and generally does fuck all around DN & the house BUT she is adamant she wants to stay and fix it.

Am I going mad or has my sister had a personality transplant? What do I do? I know I'm supposed to be supportive but I honestly can't sit there and watch her be miserable and bring DN up around this waster.

I’m not sure there’s much you can actually DO, sadly, if she’s not open to talking about it properly and doesn’t want to leave him. Do you have any room in your house for her to stay if she needed to? Is your mum still around?

Your angle on this is very odd.

You seem to be saying that your sister has let you and the sisterhood down in some way.

The truth is that she has fallen under the spell of a man who treats her very badly and if she leaves him she will be faced with the prospect of her child spending 3 or 4 days of every week with him and whatever new woman he ends up with.

It's not a reflection on your sister that she married someone who turned out to be a charming abuser. This is all on him.

Lots of intelligent women with feminist leanings end up dealing with men who are not worthy of them.

Having a child complicates your sister's options exponentially.

You'll just have to wait on the sidelines and be there for her when it all goes horribly wrong.

Well you don’t have to be around but if you are support her in what SHE wants to do.

The way you're looking at this situation is incredibly sad.

You're focusing on your sisters personality, and her attitude. You don't even sound angry at your BIL for treating her this way. You just seem annoyed that she's not the "strong woman" you thought she was. Asif her situation affects you in anyway. Such a selfish, cold view on it.

Your sister fell in love. Unfortunately with the wrong person. Her husband has a drinking problem, has cheated on her, and if she doesn't stay with him she faces raising a child alone. She is probably confused and terrified, never mind absolutely devastated and feeling alone in this.

You should probably take a step back, stop being so judgemental, and try to support her. And if you can't support her, at least stop being so bloody judgemental about her. For someone who claims she is a raging feminist, the victim shaming in your post is disgusting.

Love is blind.

I don't think theres much you can say or do without alienating her tbh. I would continue to do your best to support her and avoid sounding too critical of her husband or her choices. Shes not ready to hear it and will react badly/push you away...At some point she'll run out of steam with him and I'm guessing will then be open minded.

Empathise, support their attempts for counselling, find gentle ways to remind her of her old spirit and that she deserves better. Dont say anyhing that could lead to her feeling judged. Keep her close so that you're there when she needs you most.

You sound horribly judgemental of your sister. Perhaps she'd feel able to leave her abusive husband if her sister would genuinely support her.

Sounds to me like your DS is in an abusive marriage. Try not being irritated with her for this for a start. How about giving her some support??!!

I know what you mean.

Many moons ago my strong, sassy, totally independent, self supporting, fuck you and the horse you rode in on sister fell heavily for a man any less than comatose human being would have recognised as 'a bad 'un'.

He even squared up to my DH and told him to take his eyes of 'my bird'. I heard DH say "Do you mean my sister in law?" and the idiot stomped off because he wasn't 'going to be made a fool of'.

DSis paid for that after we had left, though we didn't know it at the time. But DH did stay alert in case a rescue was ever needed. About 4 years later we did respond to a tearful phone call and went off to support her as she kicked him out.

But in the intervening years we could only wait. And that was really difficult. But anything else would have left DSis angry with me and isolated. So wait we did.

Your sister is in an abusive relationship with an aggressive drunk. Stop judging her for failing to meet your standards and start supporting her.

So your response to this is to be appalled at your sister, not appalled by him and desperately concerned at what the hell ability this man has to change her so much and wonder whether there might be things like coercive control or other forms of abuse going on?

I don’t think you sound like you’re judging her or irritated, I think you sound very worried for her as well as being confused/upset about how she can just accept this given what a strong person she was brought up to be. If you don’t have any experience of abusive relationships I think that’s fairly normal and understandable. Sadly you could be the strongest woman in the world and still fall victim to an abusive controlling man/or just a drunk waster. It’s so sad and hard to understand why they would willingly stay in that situation, I know. All you can do is offer as much support as you can. Are you nearby? Do you see her much?

Your approach to your sister is quite shocking - she fell in love with someone who is now doing her harm and you are incredibly judgemental and critical of her. She is not the drunken aggressor - her DH is (and, to make matters more painful and difficult to manage, they have a child together).

Your attitude to her is strange. You write as though she has let you down and are even critical of the ordinary bits of her relationship (such as her FB posts). You seem to despise her and consider her to be a weak woman rather than the strong women you value (presumably your DM included).

If you were my sister I would not come to you for help. Your sister will be feeling bad enough already and your approach at best unhelpful.

I suggest you try to imagine yourself in her shoes and be a little kinder.

@impossible

Your approach to your sister is quite shocking - she fell in love with someone who is now doing her harm and you are incredibly judgemental and critical of her. She is not the drunken aggressor - her DH is (and, to make matters more painful and difficult to manage, they have a child together).

Your attitude to her is strange. You write as though she has let you down and are even critical of the ordinary bits of her relationship (such as her FB posts). You seem to despise her and consider her to be a weak woman rather than the strong women you value (presumably your DM included).

If you were my sister I would not come to you for help. Your sister will be feeling bad enough already and your approach at best unhelpful.

I suggest you try to imagine yourself in her shoes and be a little kinder.

OP has only expressed complete disbelief, she hasn’t said she’s been unkind in any way towards her sister. I don’t think this pile on is very helpful

Your "real" sister is still there. It sounds as though she was swept off her feet and love bombed by this man she married.Even if his first wife WAS unfaithful there's a strong possibility he drove her to it by his drinking and possibly bullying behaviour. Some women don't have the strength to leave a bad marriage unless they have another person lined up.
It's possible she was subconsciously alerting you to her concerns by bringing up his drink related violent tendencies at Christmas. She certainly shouldn't try to condone his behaviour by blaming you or anyone else who has ever offered him a drink. I doubt anyone ever forced it down his throat.
At this point you can't tell her to LTB but you should calmly tell her you are worried about his lack of fidelity , drinking, temper and any other concerns you have about the long term effects these could potentially have on her life. Reassure her that you will care for her and support her whatever path she chooses to take. You could also ask her if she wants her child to grow up with him as an example

Your post really confuses me. I do believe you only care for her but it’s coming across that your feminist pride is dented and you’re ashamed of her rather than want to get her the hell out for her happiness (note I said happiness, not her feminist image). I also think you give yourself too much credit for your ‘strength’ and fail to realise how easily other people can affect you and your behaviour, as has happened to your sister. She’s been unlucky. You have not. Who’s to say you wouldn’t have made the same mistake in her shoes. Humans are complex!

@Santaslittlemelter

Your post really confuses me. I do believe you only care for her but it’s coming across that your feminist pride is dented and you’re ashamed of her rather than want to get her the hell out for her happiness (note I said happiness, not her feminist image). I also think you give yourself too much credit for your ‘strength’ and fail to realise how easily other people can affect you and your behaviour, as has happened to your sister. She’s been unlucky. You have not. Who’s to say you wouldn’t have made the same mistake in her shoes. Humans are complex!

I do agree with this - DS has been unlucky and OP has been more fortunate. DS's situation could happen to any of us - it is not a sign of weakness or poor judgement.

@Santaslittlemelter

Your post really confuses me. I do believe you only care for her but it’s coming across that your feminist pride is dented and you’re ashamed of her rather than want to get her the hell out for her happiness (note I said happiness, not her feminist image). I also think you give yourself too much credit for your ‘strength’ and fail to realise how easily other people can affect you and your behaviour, as has happened to your sister. She’s been unlucky. You have not. Who’s to say you wouldn’t have made the same mistake in her shoes. Humans are complex!

Agree with this.

It's a very strange post.

It's easy to be strong when you've not been tested. Your DSIS has opened herself up to love, but sadly with someone awful who love bombed her into believing they were decent. Now she's stuck and it's not such an easy place to be strong.

You need to realise how easily this can happen and support her.

This thread is 8 months old! Even odder than that, it doesn’t look like anyone has posted on it recently to revive it. What on earth is it doing on active threads?