Husband never takes responsibility for anything

[Bluffysummers]

I’m venting.

Basically that, DH can never take responsibility for anything, literally anything. He’ll either deny it happened when it clearly did for instance he put my mouth guard in the baby steriliser and obviously it warped. He then denied a) that he did it and then after he acknowledged he did he went on and on claiming it wasn’t broken when it was a warped ball of plastic. It’s a mild inconvenience so I wouldn’t be actually angry or cross but it’s the fact he doesn’t say ‘ oh crap, my bad I did it by mistake’.

But the reason for my post today, he nearly burned the f’ing house down. He put DD down for a nap and then chopped some potatoes and put them on the hob. I was upstairs feeding baby (unaware any of this happened ) and started to smell something funny, called and text him… no reply. Thought it must have been next door having a bbq. Then it smelt a lot smokier and close, called and text again. Nothing. I went downstairs and the hob was on fire. He’d gone for a lay down and left it on the hob. I wake him up and tell him after putting out the fire and oh somehow it’s my fault. I didn’t let him sleep apparently. I’ve got a cold and slept an extra hr this morning and he had the kids so this so all my fault.

No idea why he’s like this but everything is always someone else’s fault

Venting is all well and good but the underlying problem i.e this man remains. With these types of people its always someone else's fault, never their own. He thinks he is too important and the BIG MAN to worry about something like a hob.

And you are with this irresponsible adult who is not doing any of the adulting because......

Yep, I have a DH who just can’t say ‘sorry, it was me’.

My mum is like this, it is an infuriating character trait. She is never wrong and is immediately on the defensive instead of just saying 'oops, sorry' which is often all you need to hear. No advice, my mum isn't going to change but fortunately as an adult I don't have to live with her.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Venting is all well and good but the underlying problem i.e this man remains. With these types of people its always someone else's fault, never their own. He thinks he is too important and the BIG MAN to worry about something like a hob.

And you are with this irresponsible adult who is not doing any of the adulting because......

It’s only started driving me mad now, i didn’t 100% clock on before. I’m not sure if it’s I’m a man so don’t have fo worry about stuff or learned behaviour because his mother is exactly the same,lies and can’t take responsibility for anything.

Yes, mine’s never wrong - I’ve even been blamed for something when I was 100 miles away from the incident!
Mr Bloody Perfect...not! I

He raves and rants lots too and I’ve had to record him and play it back to show him what he sounds like as he just won’t listen, Im ill and cranky Today and it’s making me irrationally cross

He could have killed you all, what’s wrong with him?! Sorry OP…I know the main issue is not admitting faults but does he do stuff like this often?

This extreme passive aggrieved behaviour often has roots from of a childhood where their feelings were never accommodated or acknowledged or they were never allowed to make mistakes. It’s actually really hard for them to change this habit (bloody annoying though it is). Tackling them in anger about it will always cause them to double down, as it was trying to avoid the anger of caregivers when they were a child that caused them to adopt this coping mechanism. They are often unaware they’re even doing this on a conscious level too. As ultimately you can only change your own behaviour, I’d recommend reading “the drama triangle” - stepping out of your role in the triangle (usually continually moving between “persecutor” & “rescuer”) is the best way for their current approach to be less successful for them. Behaviour meets need so if it’s less successful, they’ll adapt and change without even realising it.

DH is like this. DD has the same instinct but I have rid her of it, fairly harshly tbh - it needed to be. She is so so much happier now.

Fucking hell OP, you are not irrationally cross! I don’t know why you’re not much more angry about the fact he could have killed the whole family! Also he rants and raves at you and apparently isn’t even ashamed of it? What a lovely man you have there. I would kick his highly irresponsible, nasty, defensive arse out!

My husband also can't take ownership for mistakes. He was so humiliated growing up by a father that demanded perfection and called him "the moron" that even a hint of me suggesting he's responsible for something that's gone wrong was enough for him to storm off in days gone by. Now he accepts he did the thing but he'll find a way to blame someone else until later on when he will admit he has full responsibility for the thing. Still working on ownership at the time of the event and an apology if warranted.

He sounds utterly pathetic

Agree with @Arucanafeather. He likely isn’t just being annoying.

@PinkSyCo

Fucking hell OP, you are not irrationally cross! I don’t know why you’re not much more angry about the fact he could have killed the whole family! Also he rants and raves at you and apparently isn’t even ashamed of it? What a lovely man you have there. I would kick his highly irresponsible, nasty, defensive arse out!

True! But I was also getting annoyed over past incidents which is the irrational part, things that’s happened like 2 years ago

@Arucanafeather

This extreme passive aggrieved behaviour often has roots from of a childhood where their feelings were never accommodated or acknowledged or they were never allowed to make mistakes. It’s actually really hard for them to change this habit (bloody annoying though it is). Tackling them in anger about it will always cause them to double down, as it was trying to avoid the anger of caregivers when they were a child that caused them to adopt this coping mechanism. They are often unaware they’re even doing this on a conscious level too. As ultimately you can only change your own behaviour, I’d recommend reading “the drama triangle” - stepping out of your role in the triangle (usually continually moving between “persecutor” & “rescuer”) is the best way for their current approach to be less successful for them. Behaviour meets need so if it’s less successful, they’ll adapt and change without even realising it.

I think this is it! His mother is an awful woman that only thinks of herself and put an awful lot of responsibility on a young boys shoulders (taking her to drs and any sort of medical appointment from boyhood, and from 18 onwards paying for all household bills, food, repairs etc whilst at Uni which he wasn’t allowed to leave home for, not allowed to move out because ‘how would she cope’, turning down jobs that didn’t suit her, the list goes on.

Makes a lot of sense, thanks for the insight @Arucanafeather