I know I need to leave him, so why can’t I do it?

[Mamaoftwo73]

Hi. I’ve been married for 17 years, always a bit volatile, but I loved him very much. We split up just over 4 years ago, his choice, I always wanted him back, sold the family home, moved with our two kids into a new house. All was amicable. Started living a new life and then found out he’d been having an affair whilst we were married. It was over by the time I found out. He begged me to reconcile. I did. Now living together in my house for almost 3 yrs. it’s been really tough dealing with knowledge of the affair and all of the other lies. There’s more to it, but not enough space to write it all. Being apart for that time made me realise, when we reconciled, how manipulative he could be. Turning things around, confusing me, gas lighting, etc. He’s a narcissist but without the financial/friendship controls etc. He’s always threatening to leave when we argue, gives me the cold shoulder if I disagree with him, can go on for weeks sometimes. Some days I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I’m an intelligent woman with a good job, I have my own home, so what the hell is stopping me telling him to go. Why am I putting up with this? Why can’t I just calmly and confidently ask him to leave. I really don’t know. X

You know that person he becomes when he's at his worst?

This is who he is.

You deserve better.

I am in a totally similar position to you and ask myself why I can't just kick him to the kerb constantly.

Exact same with constant threats to leave, silent treatment for days. Total narcissist. I'm in a constant state of anxiety and feel like I need us to make up in order to feel better and then the whole vicious cycle repeats again the next week. After a few days of torture he always comes back teary and apologetic and promises to be better and I lap it alllll up.

Sorry I know none of this is helpful as I seriously don't know why we are tolerating these disgusting behaviours?! I sometimes wonder whether he has just pushed me to a place I have such a low self esteem and feel like this treatment is all I'm bloody worth.

I'm finding opening up to people and talking about it more and focusing on all the terrible things is helping me get to a place I can finally end it. I've stopped covering for him and pretending everything is peachy.

I feel for you being in that same position, it’s horrible. The weird thing is when he says he going to leave, and he asks me if I want him to stay, I can’t tell him yes either. I can’t tell him to go, but nor can I bring myself to tell him to stay. Or if I do it’s just so we can get back to normal for the kids really. When I talk about how he is to people, it just makes me feel even more stupid as I’m thinking img what are you doing! When you say it outloud it becomes real, but then I question if it is, or if it’s in my head or if I overreacting. Round and round it goes. I hope you get sorted x

It's an awful situation! I'm on that roundabout too. Been living with my mum for 5 months this time and determined to buy my own place this year but just when I think I've managed the boundaries something pulls me back. I agree it's a self esteem issue. Years of living with a narcissist grinds you down. Lots of self care ❤ Try to fill your life with joy, spend time with your friends and do the things you love doing and maybe didn't have the time and energy for before. I've found self kindness meditation really helps me but it took me a long time to settle into it. Therapy too! Look after yourself, put yourself and your needs first. You deserve to be happy 🥰

Many people can't leave quick enough for the following reasons:

1. comfort zone

2. habit

3. common history

4. finances

5. insecurity/fear of loneliness

Sometimes if both people are willing to work on reducing/eliminating toxic environments their relations can improve for the better.

Good communication skills can be established for happy relationship/marriage.

• Respect & sexual compatibility

Thank you everyone. I agree with what has been said and I've now started to write down all of my options and how I feel to try and make it all become clearer. I hope I can make a decision soon and that it is the right one.

My biggest fear is the kids. They've been through this once before, had to leave their home, learn to adjust with their parents apart. They are older now and it will be much harder for them to cope with it. I am so worried about what it will do to them.

What to do is tell him you need a break. Say you aren’t ending it but require space

Once he goes and sorts accommodation just slowly withdraw emotionally

I bet your kids will be relieved