Can you still love someone and yet know it won’t work?

[Bridgetjones92]

My partner is perfect in so many ways, however he struggles to communicate about things and would rather be “left alone” when he’s stressed meaning sometimes he can go days of being almost silent with me. He doesn’t like to talk about problems but would rather wait for them to pass. I’m a huge communicator and so I find this difficult. He also enjoys spending time with me and a group of friends more fun than being the two of us and I quite like it being the two of us sometimes. He’s a massive people pleaser to the point of letting me down to please people he barely knows sometimes. He doesn’t compliment me as he says he’s not the type to say things like that. But he’s also funny and kind and caring with a good heart.

Can you love someone so much and want it to work and yet still feel like there’s so many reasons it won’t? How do you know when to walk away? How do you know if this was the one and you’ll regret it? After all they say no one’s perfect right? I just feel so lost

How long have you been dating? I generally say if you feel in your gut that things won't work, it most likely won't but we hold onto bad relationships for too long, in the hopes that things will improve. The truth is, he is showing you who he is. It's up to you whether you accept it, or walk away. Communication is extremely important in any relationship to cultivate a healthy relationship. Do a Love Language test as well to see what each others love languages are. Maybe he displays affection in different ways but not in ways that is similiar to what your love language is.

He isn’t into you as much as you are into him.
You sound like a person with a lot of love to give, I’d go and find somebody who gives it back to you.

It’s been 5 years… but I feel like I’ve only noticed all these things the last couple of years or lockdown definitely highlighted them as usually he would be out socialising a lot, and I know the lockdown has given him some form of depression which he admits but again is wanting to opt for “waiting for it to pass” as oppose to trying to get any kind of help.

I’m just very stuck as I know he’s depressed currently but he has always been poor at communicating things, he can’t seem to easily compliment me, he loves trying to please everyone (often at the expense of upsetting me unintentionally) these things won’t change even when/if he starts to feel better in himself.

I’m just wondering how I know if to accept someone’s flaws or if it just won’t work?

I agree if your gut says that the situation isn't working you need to listen. I loved my ex very much but ultimately there were elements which didn't work. After many years together, we separated and we were equally heartbroken. We are now both married to other people and each live a life that we couldn't enjoy together, had we not separated we wouldn't have grown and those little niggles would have worsened.

Be brave, sometimes love just isn't enough

he can go days of being almost silent with me

The silent treatment is a punishment not just needing a bit of space and it’s abusive.

He also enjoys spending time with me and a group of friends more fun than being the two of us

That’s so hurtful. You’re normal, he’s weird.

He’s a massive people pleaser to the point of letting me down to please people he barely knows sometimes.

What the fuck? He doesn’t seem to even like you as he’s choosing to behave in such a nasty way. It looks deliberately hurtful and insulting.

He doesn’t compliment me as he says he’s not the type to say things like that

He’s not the type to say kind things to the person he’s supposed to love the most? Why not? What type is that?

But he’s also funny and kind and caring with a good heart.

Extremely hard to imagine based on the other stuff you’ve described.

Can you love someone so much and want it to work and yet still feel like there’s so many reasons it won’t?

Yes, absolutely.

How do you know when to walk away?

Right about now when you realise you’re being treated like crap.

How do you know if this was the one and you’ll regret it?

This is not the one. The one is never anyone who makes you feel crap about yourself, or that you don’t deserve more.

No one is perfect but I promise you can do better.

I also promise you’ll feel less lost when you’re not wasting time on a man so undeserving of your time and your love.

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you just so scared I’ll never find someone I love like this again.

You will.

You need to really properly value yourself first. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel amazing about yourself and tells you how lucky he knows he is to be with.

You’re worth respect, consideration, compliments, affection, open communication, being made to feel valued, special, part of a team.

Being on your own for a bit while you work out how to appreciate and really respect yourself is a good thing. Then you’ll know what you’re looking for and know it when you see it.

To me, it sounds like you’re not being loved the way you want to be loved. Even if the opposite were true, in my experience, love alone just won’t cut it. For a great life partnership You NEED great communication, you need to be prioritised, you need respect, you need common goals and values, you need someone that you can enjoy being with….a bit of chemistry won’t go astray either! Your gut instinct will give you your answer. Hold tough on your decision, and you will find someone else to love to will love you how you want and deserve xx

If it’s the right thing to do why does my heart still feel like it’s being ripped out my chest?

Because you have an attachment to him.

Sometimes the right thing does hurt terribly.
My sister had to have her pet of 18 years put down as he had advanced cancer.
A horrible thing to have to do, but the right thing.

Yes

But I think you have to follow your gut on these things, not your heart - which will hurt..

And it sounds like you know what your gut is saying.

@AnneLovesGilbert

You will.

You need to really properly value yourself first. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel amazing about yourself and tells you how lucky he knows he is to be with.

You’re worth respect, consideration, compliments, affection, open communication, being made to feel valued, special, part of a team.

Being on your own for a bit while you work out how to appreciate and really respect yourself is a good thing. Then you’ll know what you’re looking for and know it when you see it.

This

If you know you’re not getting these things they way you should be - it’s time to move on.. Any resentment etc will only get worse with time.

If it’s the right thing to do why does my heart still feel like it’s being ripped out my chest

I remember feeling like this, but my head was saying go and my heart desperately wanted it to be ok and for us to be together always. Sometimes others can't be what we need them to be and we have to make huge compromises. Currently you are compromising on your own happiness in the hope that life will improve. It's unlikely though 😢

Yes, you can love someone very much & yet know it's not going to work, it IS heartbreaking & you have to be strong & not relent. I was with one ex for 10 years & we loved each other very much, but as we got a little bit older we began to change & want different things to each other mainly he had changed his mind about wanting kids.

Hurt like hell as neither of us had wronged the other. We both tried to get back together but luckily the other one was strong when it was needed.

I still care about him very much and he didn't go on to have children & he did do some other things he wanted to do that I didn't.

So it hurt, it was hard, but it was the right decision

Be strong!

O.P you have had some amazing advice on here, especially from Anne loves Gilbert. Please don't go on hoping he will change and compromising your own values and self worth. He won't change and he doesn't want to. Sorry but you are incompatible and this is who he is.