My husband is rude to me all the time

[sfjonesie]

He is rude and dismissive. He mutters about me under his breath. He is constantly complaining and sighing around the house. He does not make me feel loved or cherished or even appreciated. He never complements me. I support him fully since he lost his job and do all the cooking. We have tried therapy for a long time, which didn't work, and now he refuses to go. We have a child together. I am miserable and disgusted by him and his behaviour but terrified about going it alone. I can do it, right?

of course you can! if its your house, throw him out and change the locks

have peace on your own

Don't live like this for one more day. Not one. Get rid of the nasty, cocklodging fucker.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. I would plan your exit from this with care and seek legal advice asap. Contacting Women’s Aid could also be helpful to you.

Go it alone, you can do this. He is abusive towards you and the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. It will also do your child no favours to be raised within such an environment and joint therapy with him was bound to fail. He is angry because he is abusive, not merely because he is angry.

You need a plan of action for a life that doesn't include him. Depending on your circumstances that might start next week or in a couple of years' time but planning will really help you when things are tough.

Then you need to work out while you're staying with him how are you can make your life better. You need to do things in a different room to him whenever possible. Could you start a hobby like Duolingo which means you have your headphones in all the time and need a quiet space? Personally I would have my headphones in all the time when it was just him and me in the room.

I can do it, right?

Hell, yes! It's a scary step but you will be so much happier without that negativity in your life.

We are always here for you but do you have any support in RL?

Read what you’ve written… surely going it alone will be easier than living with someone like that? It’ll be a massive weight off!

Not only can you do it, you'll thrive and wish you'd done it years ago

Of course you can. You'll be much happier without having to put up with someone who sucks the life out of you. How exactly does he justify his existence bearing in mind he doesn't work?

You don't like him, he sounds like he doesn't like you much either.
Is it time to sit down and discuss how to dissolve your marriage and coparent your child?

I do have some support but I live a long way away from family. I have a counsellor but to everyone's point really need now to put a plan in place to kick him out and follow through, which I'm working on. My main issue is dealing with the searing rage I feel inside by keeping quiet in the meantime, knowing that if I respond to his baiting it will get worse. Like the duo lingo idea!

Yes you can. And do it now when you have the strength.

Pull all your finance info, go see a solicitor so you know how things will be split up, and make a plan.

Why should you live like this? And it’s a terrible example to your child.

What’s the housing situation?
And your financial situation?

My main issue is dealing with the searing rage I feel inside by keeping quiet in the meantime

Turn that searing rage into secret joy at what you're planning. Play bingo with his sighs and mutters.

Take your time to get this right. You could ask Women's Aid for a solicitor recommendation, even if you don't need their services. You and your child are the ones who matter, work at getting the best outcome for both of you

I agree with a PP - you’ll thrive. You’ll wonder why you stayed so long. Your daughter won’t have this awful man as a male role model around her all the time.

You can do it

What is this teaching your child ? How to abuse or how to accept abuse.

Start taking those steps to get rid of him. It sounds like he brings only negativity to your life. Why would you cling onto that ?

Anyone who treats you this way doesn't love you. You will be better off emotionally even though it might be harder financially for a while. My mother went into poverty for a good 5 years after leaving my father, and trying to find a nice guy wasn't easy after that, but she kept trying and in the end she was happier. I'm glad for her that she put that work in.

OP you may want to read some of Dr John Gottman who has studied what makes or breaks marriage for decades. He discovered 4 types of communication which are predictive of divorce, from watching a 3 minute conversation, even from the beginning. He called them The Four Horsemen they are

1. Defensiveness
2. Criticism
3. Stonewalling
4. Contempt

It sounds like your husband is showing these behaviors.

www.gottman.com/blog/category/column/the-four-horsemen/

I appreciate all of your advice a lot because for a long time I have felt confused about his behaviour and wasn't sure if I was going mad or being over sensitive. This morning he's talking about booking a surprise for us (something he really wants to do and I am ambivalent about), but yesterday he was muttering (audibly) about me under his breath and just generally being moody and nasty. In front of our 6 month old son. One minute he says "let's renew our vows" the next he says "you suck all the fun out of everything".

I agree if I let the status quo continue its educating our son that women should be treated with contempt and disrespect, and I can't have that. The scales have fallen from my eyes and I am ready to step off the roller coaster but agree I need to take time to get this right and protect myself, my finances and my son, as well as figure out how I will make the single parent life work for us.

Here's what a truly worry about: DH will end up quickly in a new relationship because that's his style. And every single relationship he has had has failed, probably for the same reason as this one will fail. If I co-parent with him, my son is going to see the behaviour regardless. And also, I fear, whether I stay with him or not, experience it himself. I guess I'll just have to do what I can to minimise the toxic behaviour but it scares the hell out of me.

If you separate, your son may still be subject to his behaviour during his access visits

However, what he won’t witness is his mother’s tacit approval of it

And you get may get the opportunity in the future to model a good and loving relationship. Honestly life is so much better and easier away from these dicks.

If I co-parent with him, my son is going to see the behaviour regardless. And also, I fear, whether I stay with him or not, experience it himself.

For as long as you're in a relationship with his dad, your son is living in a toxic home where men treat women like shit 100% of the time.

Once you split, even if his dad continues to treat women like shit, your son will only be exposed to that toxicity an absolute maximum of 50% of the time.

And probably not as much as that especially if he gets a new girlfriend as he sounds the type to only want to do the bits he can be arsed with.

There is no benefit at all to your son to you two remaining a couple.