I have fallen out with my mum and I don’t know what to do!

[Emmagr1]

My mum decided a week before Christmas, to up and leave the family, and spend 3 months abroad. It was a shock as we as a family always spend Christmas together, and I have two young children who missed out on spending Christmas with their grandparents, at such an impressionable age (2 and 9) .I wanted to accept the situation but I became angry and cut her off and haven’t spoken to her probably since. I tried to resolve but requested an apology which she refused to give, as she says she didn't do anything wrong.

We are both strong mind stubborn women, which doesn’t help. But I wanted and I thought I deserved and apology for the upset caused.

Since we haven’t spoken I have time to reflect on the relationship we had and I can’t help but continue to feel angry. Not just for Christmas but my upbringing. It’s funny how you reflect on other events from your past when things start to go wrong.

My step dad was an abusive bully, and made my life from the age of around 12 years old a living hell. He made me uncomfortable to live at home, said inappropriate things to me and friends and made it very clear I wasn’t wanted and tried to take money from me and route through my belonging and private bins . My mum, who should have been my protector through my adolescent years, chose to ignore it (turn a blind eye) as such I became that disgruntled and disruptive teenager. It was a cry for help!! I left at 16 years of age, a young girl in the big wide world and somehow landed on my feet . Mainly through graft and determination.

He is now 80 and I’m 40 and there was a 17 year ago difference between my mum and her new husband. He didn’t want a 2nd family and he made it know to be on a daily basis, but was a jeckle and hyde character.

The memories of my childhood had been buried as I became a parent and at times I even questioned my judgement as no one saw the nasty bully and pervy step dad just me!

I am annoyed at mum for disappointing my children at Christmas and thought it was a really selfish thing to do. She should as a parent have protect me in my home and she didn’t and I can’t help but continue to be annoyed.

I can’t speak to her, she’s been really incredibly dismissive in the past. She’s made no contact with me and I am limited access to her grandkids as I don’t trust or respect her anymore.

You may ask why has one issue brought up the past? I don’t know. I was always going to confront her on the issue, but once he’d died.

I don’t know what to do. I am being irrational?

YABU about Christmas. She's a fully grown adult, of course she can choose to go away for Christmas. It's selfish of you to suggest she shouldn't.

YANBU about feeling she didn't protect you as a child.

I think you have a lot of unprocessed feelings here. Being a parent can make you see your own childhood quite differently.
Your Mum is not suddenly going to change and unfortunately, she's not likely to prioritise your children either.
What do you want from this relationship going forward?

She is right about Christmas.

You are right about your childhood and that she should have protected you. You have lived a good life without her help and support. You owe her nothing.

YANBU because like you say it's really not about Christmas. It's that this has caused you to go back to all the ways in which she let you down when you were a child and it is that that you are so angry about and perhaps the thought that she could let down your children like she did you?

I wouldn't talk about Christmas with her because that's a symptom not the cause. If you want to talk about it, talk about whats at the root of your hurt.

Your childhood is an entirely separate matter. Your reaction to her going abroad is completely out of line. Your mother doesn't need your permission to live her life.

If you had a great relationship then her plans to travel would have been talked about or not out of the blue so I think it’s been a sign to you that you don’t have that sort of relationship? That she’s closed off or self focused. Travel in itself isn’t a problem - in a happy family it would have been something she could share with you, send pics to the kids etc. It sounds like she has flounced in some way and has a history of suiting herself even when you were very young so that has triggered these feelings.

You are being very, very unreasonable about the Christmas issue, she had every right to go away as she pleased and does not exist to provide the sort of festive season you feel entitled to. The 2 year old wouldn't have cared less if she were there or not and I'm sure the 9 year old would also have been fine. She did not deliberately abandon them to be raised by wolves.

You need to separate this out from your issues around your stepfather and her lack of protection, etc. because the two things are utterly unrelated.

You are wrong about xmas. Yes, it would be nice if she had been around but she really should be able to go away without asking permission.

The stuff about your childhood - yes she should have done better. It seems however odd and unproductive now. There really isn't anything she can do to change it. You are no doubt seeing events differently to her. I think you need to think about what you are hoping to get out of your fall out with her. I think ultimately you have to accept people for who they are and then decide whether you want to spend time with them.

Ime expecting a rubbish dm to be a decent dgm was way over ambitious..
You could have brushed over her big departure to the dc. Impressionable age is a bit dramatic op!
Your dc need you. Not such a dgm.
As I am sure you know.
My df was crap. Showed himself to be a crap dgf. Been nc for over 20 years. Dc haven't missed out.
You give too much importance to your dm than she deserves given your childhood.

YABU about christmas. Could the children not have seen their other grandparents instead?

Regarding your step-dad. It's horrible. I've had similar myself. And judging by mumnet posts, there are hundreds of thousands of women out there who are quite happy for their other half to abuse their kids, so long as they've got a man. This is something to feel pity for. Try not to feel anger. Imagine what an awful human being someone must be to know someone is abusing their kids and do nothing about it.

@sunisblinding

YABU about Christmas. She's a fully grown adult, of course she can choose to go away for Christmas. It's selfish of you to suggest she shouldn't.

YANBU about feeling she didn't protect you as a child.

This says it all. It sounds tough, I hope you find a way through.

Sounds like she was a shit mother and didn’t put you first, so you shouldn’t really expect her to change and put your kids first too. Leopards never change their spots.

I would keep her at arms length and enjoy your life without her. It’s hard at first, but you’d probably be happier in the long run instead of stewing over every time she chooses a holiday or better offer over your children.

You are about Christmas, if it was that on its own I would say you owe her an apology.

However it seems this one incident has risen the dead and been pinned on them.

You can confront her but I doubt you'll get the retribution you're looking for. Or you can stay cut off.

Difficult for me to say as I got rid ages ago and don't regret it. Best thing I ever did.

Sometimes you can't go back.

You dont own your mum
Her Christmas- her choice
She hasn't let your children down- if they feel they have missed out on anything that's up to you and what you have said to them

you need to apologise, then grovel - then stop being such an all about me drama llama

You are entitled to feel anything at all, it's how you express those feelings that need consideration.

The Christmas issue seems to have triggered very strong feelings of resentment relating to your childhood.

I don't think your children will actually mind about not seeing her, I think you are projecting because you are reminded of the abandonment you experienced.

Which is very painful for you, and something you will probably need help to untangle and process.

Can you access therapy?

Your mother didn't protect you from your stepfather, so therefore she doesn't deserve to have a relationship with your children. She sounds immature, selfish and toxic. I have also cut my mother out of my life since I had my baby. You have to preserve your energy so you can raise healthy and secure babies. If it's meant to be, you will reconnect with her again in the future. You will feel a lot of guilt but your priority is being good mother to your children.

Well you are being bloody weird about Christmas, why should your mum not be allowed to go away? I’m sure it didn’t ruin your kids Christmas.

The childhood stuff is something you need to talk to her about. I understand your anger about that. You can’t change the past, but the two of you might be able to find a way forward.

Thank you 😊

You are 100% unreasonable regarding christmas, however your childhood issues with her second husband are a totally separate issue

Your anger about Christmas is probably just misplaced. You have a lot of anger that has never been expressed and this was an 'easy' thing to get angry about. A way to express some of that anger over something that isn't entrenched in bad childhoold memories and trauma.

Your disappointment is normal that she isn't there for Christmas but that would normally be kept to yourself and instead you would be expressing excitement at the opportunity for her to go abroad.

Your overreaction is a sign that you probably need some therapy to let go and process all the anger. Now that it has slipped out once, it gets harder and hrder to hold back.

Just to add more context. Christmas day was fully organised and she pulled out the week before to go abroad because she thought the boarders were going to close due to covid. It was when France closed the boarder and she though Spain we’re going to do the same. It was also the 1st Xmas she has missed and it was a rushed decision. She asked my opinion and I told her she was being being irrational but she did it anyway. My little boy was upset, hence why I snapped.

Thanks to everyone who has responded it really has given me something to think about. She has, and always will, put herself first. I respect that I overreacted about Christmas.

I don’t think that Xmas was the actual issue, it’s been the catalyst for you to have a deep delve of your feelings about her and clearly your resentment and anger at her lack of protection has resurfaced.
DH is in the process of going very lc with his own mum for similar reasons. Like you, it’s not the recent thing that pissed him off, it’s the memories of injustices, emotional neglect and hypocrisy that this event has brought up and refuses to go away.

You are being ridiculous about Christmas. Your mother is entitled to go away whenever she wants. I detest Xmas and want to be alone then and my DS knows and accepts that but then we have a great relationship.
However I think the Xmas drama is not really about Xmas it's about unresolved feelings about the past. Something that needs to be settled with counselling.

Thanks to everyone who has responded it really has given me something to think about. She has, and always will, put herself first. I respect that I overreacted about Christmas.

I think your over reaction was a good thing! Her complete dismissal of your feelings and also your dcs feelings around Xmas reminded you how she dismissed your feelings as a teenager. She never listened to you and she didn’t at Xmas. These are perfectly reasonable and justified thoughts and they will mean you’ll protect yourself in future.

Could you go and get some therapy with someone who has experience in childhood issues? I did, because of my relationship with my very distant mother and it’s done me the world of good.

My mum moved accrosd the other side of the world for the first 7 year of my kids life he was 12 days old when she left to go to New Zealand came back and lived 350 miles away living life and enjoying herself after bringing us up on her own so good for her to find happiness and live an adventurous life
Hopefully you can be happy for your mum, cutting her off is about you.

My mum was set to coke for Christmas this year but was scared re covid and didn’t come so everything we’d all planned was cancelled but my mum was safe and happy so no worries. You have one mum, she’s allowed a life, make it up and sort things out