Being in a relationship with someone who has depression is tough.

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I love my husband very, very much and have every reason to believe he loves me too. We’ve been together a long time and it’s been a happy relationship- no big issues, no cheating or lying or jealousy, just generally mooch along very happily.

We have a lovely life. We’re financially secure so don’t have a lot of day to day worries about unexpected bills that can grind people down (we weren’t always so fortunate- I know what it’s like). We were able to buy our dream home that we’d planned for so long.

So generally we have everything that should mean we have a happy life- love, security, some luxuries. But my husband has depression and so he’s just not happy.

He was first diagnosed over 20 years ago and has been on medication since. He’s really good at managing his meds, doctor appointments, therapy etc. He’s had to have some in-patient care over the years which has been hard, but it’s helped.

Last night, the weather was beautiful here and we were in the garden. It was lovely. Our house is detached and no neighbours so we had some 80s music on, ate outside, generally lovely stuff that most people enjoy. But he wasn’t happy. He wasn’t miserable, but he wasn’t happy. He never is.

He has never experienced highs like most people do when something good happens like a promotion or some good news- he ranges between depressed to not-depressed, but the needle never moves towards joy. If I tell him a funny story, or if he’s sees something funny on tv, he’ll laugh quietly, he’ll smile at me when I enter a room but I’ve never seen a stronger expression than that. I’ve noticed that his laugh sometimes isn’t genuine, he laughs when he’s expected to laugh- it rarely comes naturally.

I’ve never seen him jump for joy or cry from happiness or even just excitedly tell me something good that’s happened. If I told him I won the Lotto, he’d react in the same way he would if I told him I’d put the bins out.

I’ve asked him before if he’s happy and he says yes, but he never really shows it. He just doesn’t feel joy. Even in photos of him as a baby/child, his expression is always neutral. There’s no drooly grinning baby pictures.

He’s not like this with just me. He’s like it with everyone but he does distance himself from people so others don’t notice it.

I love him so very much, and I know he would do anything for me, but it’s so hard being married to a man knowing you can never make him happy.

I started this thread wondering if there was anyone out there who feels like I do, but now I’m wondering if there’s anyone who feels like my husband does?

I’d take him at his word that he is happy and not be fixated on extreme highs like joy.

While anti-depressants are taken to stop the extreme lows, they also stop the extreme highs. It’s a side effect not often talked about. They blunt the edges to keep you in a calm middle space emotionally going between slight low as in sluggish/sad, middle just ok, and slight high as in contentment.

It’s kind of a sacrifice people with depression make...to stop the extreme lows you end up without the extreme highs. My DH has long term depression and he calls it “comfortably numb”

So I’m used to him smiling = happiest he can get. I’ve just gotten used to the fact he has a narrower emotional scale than me.

I’ve never seen him jump for joy or cry from happiness

To be fair, I'd not do these either. It doesn't mean I'm not happy. The evening you describe would have me feeling contented, not overjoyed or enthused. I'd just enjoy relaxing in my husband's company, unwinding together.

I agree with Empress - some ADs keep you 'even' state of mind.

Yeah ADs stop highs and lows, I hated not feeling the highs so stopped taking them. It was really weird and really noticed it when good things happened I could never feel true joy/happiness. Sounds like your husband has been on them so long he's forgotten about those feelings, don't be too hard on him as it's not personal at all 😊

I have a lovely friend like this. She just doesn't experience real excitement or joy. In her case she had a very traumatic childhood and I think this is where it stems from. Considering your husbands long history of depression I'm guessing his was the same?

I have a similar husband by the way though not quite so extreme and I agree it absolutely is so hard when there's a mismatch in dispositions like this and you want to share joy/real laughter with them. I just try to accept that it's just the way he is and I make sure I get from other people - friends/family who are more like me. I do feel sad about it though at times

I have had depression and I always think it’s almost worse for my partner than me. I can see him trying think of the right thing to say and not make me worse. I am ok at the moment but I always feel guilty over it. If I go quiet my DH always says ‘you ARE ok aren’t you’ Then I have to act overly happy even though I was ok in the first place you get my meaning? You have my sympathy. Depression sucks in the whole family. Make time for you and remember to look after your own health as well

Some people tend towards being mildly depressed easily. I am not like that, I am usually quite content but I could not jump for joy or cry with happiness. Some people are just calm and introverted. If you cannot live with that, you are not going to be happy together.