How to end a friendship

[TheChestertons]

I know this should be easy, but ...

Friendship of over 10yrs, previously very close. Over time I've come to realise the relationship is really unhealthy for me, to the extent it has caused physical illness on occasion. I often come away from visits/calls feeling crappy. Friend is very needy and demanding - expects to speak/meet up every weekend or more (!); conversation is always about them and usually the same topics over and over. They always have some drama going on and expect full support regardless of how unreasonable/nasty they are being. They often put me down and make me feel shit but in sly way that's hard to pin down. Things have come to a head for me lately as I've been having a really tough time and this friend, who I have listened to ad infinitum and supported endlessly for over a decade, could not give a flying fig. But still calls me constantly to talk about their own stuff.

I'm just done. I want rid. I haven't spoken to them for a few weeks as I've been really busy (only time I've ever put myself 1st in 10yrs) and I keep thinking, oh I must call x ... but I cant bring myself to do it. But I feel really mean too!! Argh!

I have low self esteem and crappy boundaries. I seem to attract narcissistic types. I don't have many nurturing friendships as a result. I realise that now and I don't want to waste another 10yrs on people who, ultimately, are only using me for their own ends and make me feel so inadequate.

Friend can be EXTREMELY hostile and aggressive when crossed. I'm so scared of being in the firing line. And yes I know how pathetic I am!

Can anyone give any advice??

It's a difficult one if you feel you really can't stand up to her! Only other way is to ghost her completely, until she gets the message.

What you really need is to get really enraged at her, so you tell her what you think of her, but that's not likely to happen, if you've put up with her selfishness for 10 years.

You could write her a letter, explaining why you no longer want the friendship to continue and not to contact you again.

Don't respond to her straight away, keep it short. Say no to everything. Stand firm. Repeat this until she gets the message. Just slowly back out of her life.

I ditched 2 friends in a short space of time. Ghosted one and emailed the other!!. Both appropriate actions for that friend. No regrets. No come back. Never heard a word from either and been over 6 years.

Either ghost her or get really blunt with her: Say, 'No, it's time for you to listen to and support me. I do it all the time for you but you never support me in return and I absolutely won't tolerate this one-sided friendship any longer. If you don't want to be a good friend, if you just want someone to offload onto, look elsewhere. I am not feeling great right now and I need the kind of friend that I have been to you.'

Just fade out of her life. Excuses if she calls. Be too busy. Eventually she will stop. Don't say anything to her. Your MH is more important.

Standard narcissist behaviour.

Extracting yourself can be messy.

The thing with slowly reducing contact is they will likely cotton on and go ballistic. These sorts have had that happen before.

Seen as you've had two weeks without contact already though I would just keep being busy.

Tbh though there's probably no way to avoid a confrontation.

Options:
*slowly pull away, she'll cotton on and go mental
*tell her this isn't working for you anymore, you risk seriously offending her ego and whilst you'll be able to cut contact (after her going spare at you and making you feel like utter shit, if you don't block asap), she will likely go on a smear campaign of you to anyone you know.
*block and delete and hope she doesn't turn up at your house going mental.

No option is easy.
But she has to go.

Just, whatever option you pick... don't meet her again at any point.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Some really helpful advice here.

I have been trying to back out slowly for the past 2 years but it's not working! I always end up doubting my own experience and allowing myself to get drawn back in. They can be very charming and sweet when the chips are down. It's disarming. But it never lasts.

I've thought about ghosting but it just seems so cruel after all these years.

I would love to have the balls to stand up to them but I am such a wimp!

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping, would you mind giving me an idea of what you said to the friend you wrote to? I don't even know where to start

@gingerhills, I like that. That pretty much sums up how I feel!

Based on your update I would go with sending her a text 'this friendship isn't working for me anymore so I think it's best we go our separate ways'. And then block her as soon as she replies. It will not be a nice reply but you have to let her feel she has had the last word. Do not answer any of her questions if there are any. Just let her reply and then block her.

This option is absolutely the 'ripping the plaster off' move and she will probably go nuclear. But so long as you block her on everything straight afterwords then at least that's it done.

There may be a smear campaign but just remember that real friends know you are a hood person and she is talking shite. So although that might be hard, it'll help you get shot of other assholes in your life.

Because unfortunately, if there's one narcissist close to you, there's probably a couple more. Once she is gone, you might better spot them.

@pinkbonbon yes they do seem to cotton on that I'm trying to extract and have just turned up at my house uninvited on numerous occasions! Of course I can't turn them away so I've actually moved house so this won't be possible any more, that's how pathetic I am!

It helps to hear others describe this as standard narcissistic behaviour. I'm always reluctant to use that word as it seems so damning ... But I'm fairly certain it's accurate in this case.

@pinkbonbon thank you. That is really, really helpful.

Unfortunately my life is riddled with similar personalities: both my parents suffer from the affliction so I was well primed and have accumulated quite a collection! The last 5years have been like whack a mole - get rid of one and another pops up. It's also left me with very few people in my life and I'm constantly doubting myself. I'm worried about having no friends but keep telling myself these people aren't true friends anyway.

Life

Yep, sounds pretty textbook.

You may have to add something like 'do not contact me any further' after she replies. Kightnbe wise infant as then you have proof you asked her to stay away.

Don't put any pleases or thank you in in message either as you are TELLING her, not asking her for permission.

If she shows up at your house, do not open the door. If she won't leave or comes back, call the police. It might seem harsh but realistically she is a nutter and her sort often only listen when you show you aren't afraid to call the fuzz. Hopefully it wont come to that though.

*might be wise in fact

That first paragraph typo was meant to be lol

Thank you so much @pinkbonbon. I know you're right. It does seem so harsh and I always end up feeling sorry for them. But I can't ignore the impact on my health anymore; it's so utterly draining.

I always kinda think of a video game where your character is next to another character who is hammering your on the head witha hammer and you can see your health just decreasing with every blow. That's what spending time with them feels like to me lol. The sooner you can scarper out of there, the better. Just have to sacrifice one big amount of health to do the final push off and then once they're gone, you can refill it.

...fucking hell I need to get out more xD

You could do the "it's not you, it's me" tactic. Say that you don't want to do whatever you usually do together but you need to do something she definitely won't want to join in with. For example you aren't free to meet for lunch because you have DIY jobs to get on with. If she suggests something just say that you don't fancy it or that you can't make it. No explanations. Continue the slow fade.

The alternative would be to play her at her own game and become really needy. So if she suggests something, ask her to change things to suit you (time, location, can she drive you and do some jobs on the way?)

Think the 'it's not you its me' is sometimes a good tactic with these sorts but really only if you can also make yourself undesirable to them (have nothing they want). I don't think it'll work with her as she has known you too long. She knows she can keep taking and taking even when you've nothing to give.

Also I suspect she will smell a rat with it anyway. She knows she is sucking the life from you. Best to make it very clear it IS her and you won't be tolerating it anymore.

I think that being very honest in an unemotional way works brilliantly because if you present the facts they can't really argue with them and if you state clearly that you expect reciprocal interest and focus and support, they can't give it because they only want to offload so they slope off elsewhere but without the high drama of Chesterton was so mean to me.

I emailed my ex narc friend, just said that I couldn’t handle the demands of the friendship any more basically. She did get angry, she did try to turn people against me (and succeeded, she’s very plausible) but no regrets at all. I’d ended up putting more resources into her by that point than my two kids and husband, there was always a drama, she was always in tears, she was bitter with my supposedly perfect life so spitting anger at me. It just got to the point where I couldn’t cope with it.

Hopefully you’ll spot them better next time!

I wouldnt cold Turkey ghost her as I dont think it's fair on anyone.

You could say you have things going on and dont feel like you can her the support she needs right now as you need to think about your own needs. Then her response to that will be telling. If she cares she will offer support, but she sounds like she wont. So I'd give it some space for say a month. Then just gradually be less and less and less available. Answer calls or texts increasingly later and later. Unless she is very unaware she will get the hint.

If that doesnt sound appealing you could just be very brief and honest and text her "I am sorry you are currently having so many issues with xyz. I have always tried my best to listen and support you but recently feel like the friendship is becoming imbalanced and I dont think I can continue to support you while I have my own problems to resolve. I do value our friendship but I cant offer the level of support you currently need. I do hope you understand but I would like to take some time out for own issues"

But the first option is less confrontational

Oh sorry, I didn't see these replies - completely freaked out after I'd posted tbh, I've never said these things out loud before.

Thank you all so much for the advice and support. I don't have much irl and feel so alone in all this xx

I had a friend I couldn't take any longer. The last angry voicemail she left me after receiving an absolute ton of support from me was just the final straw. I blocked her completely and have no regrets. Any sort of break up message would have been met with violence (previous behavior with other people by her in the past was enough evidence, police involvement on a few occasions - no way was I going to let it end in violence as I am absolutely and completely a pacifist). Sometimes it isn't possible or sensible to have a break up message or meeting.