Just going through a rut ??

[MamaMama20]

Known my husband for nearly 20 years, together for 13 and married for 5. He's a lovely man, I know he adores me and our family but I find myself wishing things were different.. I am jealous when I see friends going out for weekend for nights out with just their partners as we never do that and if we do which is very rare it's pretty boring, don't really talk a great deal or seem to have fun.
Most nights are a pattern, put our son to bed he will watch TV and I will watch something on my phone so we don't even watch TV together. I find myself fascinating about being with someone else and having the new exciting rush you get when meeting someone new, also find myself checking out men thinking how gorgeous they are.. and just to say I would never cheat on my husband.

We were in this situation this time last year and time passed but things haven't really changed. Is this just a phase I am going through ?

Sorry for the long post 🙈

I believe this is marriage! 😂
If your husband is kind, sweet and you want to stay together, then you need to talk to him. Tell him you don't just want to descend into a boring middle life but you need more. Work out a plan together of what that looks like before your restlessness turns to resentment.

We have had the conversation about how things are boring but he takes it to heart and gets offended. I understand this is just marriage life and everyone else does that whole normal routine in the week etc I just wish we could have days / nights out just us and we actually have fun not a boring night. Marriage life is great eh lol

I think you’ve both just become very comfortable.
Do either of you have hobbies outside of your relationship? This might help you chat about other things and help start conversations.
You say you’re jealous of friends going out and when you do it’s boring.
Why not take turns to arrange date nights of trying something new or going somewhere.
He can choose something he’s always wanted to do and you do the same and then be open to the new experiences.
I agree with pp, if you want your marriage to work then you need to speak to him!

Snap.

I'm actively avoiding going out for a meal with him, we don't have fun. Together 22 years, married 13. Fuck knows what will happen when the kids leave home.

He has his hobbies but I don't really have any I spend most of my time looking after our DS who is 2. I suggested we went for a walk last week to get out but it was literally a half hour walk as he seemed more interested to get back home to watch football

How does everyone else keep the spark alive in their marriages ?

I think you have to make an effort. I know that it’s easy to be so comfortable and relaxed and that is a big and really enjoyable part of being married. But to keep the spark going, you need to have times where you make an effort for each other. Today, for example, my DH is cooking me a 3 course “date lunch”. He has set me up with a cup of coffee and breakfast whilst he preps it. We will both dress up a bit (ie not our usual slobbing at home with the dogs clothes) open a nice bottle of wine, put the phones away and just have a nice day where we focus on each other and not the general madness of day to day life. I do similar things for him (order his favourite smoked salmon and serve him salmon and cream cheese bagels in bed with Buck’s Fizz etc) For us, doing things like that once or twice a month make a big difference (and don’t have to cost a fortune). Could you try something like that?

Does he know that you aren’t happy? Making it obvious that he’d rather be at home watching football when you were supposed to be out together is just a bit disrespectful of him really - perhaps he’d buck up his ideas and engage more if you were really clear with him that the comfortable dull life you currently have isn’t working for you and it’s time to rehaul things and both make more effort to “date” each other if the marriage is going to last.

You also need to invest in yourself and your own separate social lives and friendships. It sounds counterintuitive to say spend more time apart to have a better time together, but it’s true. DP and I had a very easy lockdown - but the one thing we did find quite tough was not having anything to talk about at the end of the day that the other didn’t already know about: we weren’t going anywhere or doing very much or seeing anyone else (and the only thing in the news was Covid), and so we did find ourselves doing more aimless sitting around side by side playing on our phones than normal - whereas usually we have loads of stuff to talk about and update each other on or topics to discuss / debate. Part of the “exciting rush” of a new boyfriend is that you don’t know each other so have loads of stuff to say and find out: making sure that that doesn’t go away over the years by having lives and interests outside of each other and the relationship is really important.

@Buildingthefuture

I think you have to make an effort. I know that it’s easy to be so comfortable and relaxed and that is a big and really enjoyable part of being married. But to keep the spark going, you need to have times where you make an effort for each other. Today, for example, my DH is cooking me a 3 course “date lunch”. He has set me up with a cup of coffee and breakfast whilst he preps it. We will both dress up a bit (ie not our usual slobbing at home with the dogs clothes) open a nice bottle of wine, put the phones away and just have a nice day where we focus on each other and not the general madness of day to day life. I do similar things for him (order his favourite smoked salmon and serve him salmon and cream cheese bagels in bed with Buck’s Fizz etc) For us, doing things like that once or twice a month make a big difference (and don’t have to cost a fortune). Could you try something like that?

That sounds adorable ! Really sweet idea. We could try it however, he doesn't really cook haha so his idea of a meal would prob be a pizza bit even so I suppose it's not the food that makes it important

@ComtesseDeSpair

Does he know that you aren’t happy? Making it obvious that he’d rather be at home watching football when you were supposed to be out together is just a bit disrespectful of him really - perhaps he’d buck up his ideas and engage more if you were really clear with him that the comfortable dull life you currently have isn’t working for you and it’s time to rehaul things and both make more effort to “date” each other if the marriage is going to last.

You also need to invest in yourself and your own separate social lives and friendships. It sounds counterintuitive to say spend more time apart to have a better time together, but it’s true. DP and I had a very easy lockdown - but the one thing we did find quite tough was not having anything to talk about at the end of the day that the other didn’t already know about: we weren’t going anywhere or doing very much or seeing anyone else (and the only thing in the news was Covid), and so we did find ourselves doing more aimless sitting around side by side playing on our phones than normal - whereas usually we have loads of stuff to talk about and update each other on or topics to discuss / debate. Part of the “exciting rush” of a new boyfriend is that you don’t know each other so have loads of stuff to say and find out: making sure that that doesn’t go away over the years by having lives and interests outside of each other and the relationship is really important.

I have told him before like last year which he did make an effort but it's gone down the same path again a year later but I shall be speaking to him again and saying that we both do need make more of an effort. Part of me is thinking is this it like are we just comfortable now and part of me is not allowing myself to think like that cause I wouldn't want to hurt him and I couldn't bare him not seeing our soon every night

Why don’t you both discuss
Something on the tv you both want to watch? Have a bath together and see
Where it leads? Get some
New hobbies so I have stuff to talk about. Plan a project or
Holiday x