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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU to expect something for my 60th birthday?

24 replies

PandoraRocks · 18/03/2022 23:49

I'm feeling so pissed off right now as the weather forecast is great and I thought I'd be away for a few days in a hotel somewhere.

It was my 60th birthday in January and due to Covid, DP and I did nothing. I caught it a few days before him and wasn't too bad but too exhausted to celebrate. He was quite rough, worse than me. We went out for brunch and a short drive but too ill to do more. DP was disappointed and promised he would make it up to me. I said I understood and not to worry. So I asked if we could go away for a few nights and he agreed we would when he was better.

I've asked him a couple of times since if he had any thoughts about my birthday and he's always said "when the weather's better" or he hadn't any plans. I asked again yesterday because the weather's warmer next week and we are both self employed so can take time off. Excuses again. He doesn't want to go away last minute, I'll be moaning about paying my half etc.

Honestly, I feel like I'm begging for my own birthday treat! Because this was a big birthday, because I was feeling depressed about it, because I spent £200 on his (lockdown) birthday, am I right to be resentful? Also, he gave one of his adult kids £200 for her birthday in January and the other one had a party and a night in a hotel for her 30th - both of them married but he has no problem giving them treats all the time (think expensive meals in restaurants, a car etc). I am not jealous but feel undervalued and I'm always the bottom of the pile. I think I deserve more after being together for 15 years. We don't live together but see each other 4 days a week. He's expecting me to see him tomorrow and will sulk if he doesn't have sex but I'm just seething quietly inside and wondering what to say to him.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 19/03/2022 04:07

Can you not just tell him you feel bottom of the pile unvalued and that makes him unattractive and you don't feel like sex when feeling line this.

Just be open and honest basically.

Liar5Fire4321 · 19/03/2022 04:11

Book something for yourself

Do you have any other friends to visit or go somewhere with ?

Or book yourself away for a couple of days

Why wait ?

FlowerArranger · 19/03/2022 04:22

He doesn't want to go away last minute, I'll be moaning about paying my half etc.

Hang on....... this - if it ever happens - would be your birthday treat, and yet he expects you to pay half???!!!!!!

And this after you shelled out £200 for HIS birthday?

It's unclear from your post what you are getting out of this relationship. What are his positive qualities........ in what way does he enhance your quality of life?

LadyPropane · 19/03/2022 04:26

Why would you be moaning about paying for "your half" of your birthday treat? Is he not footing the bill?

I'd go on holiday with somebody else...

Rubytoos · 19/03/2022 09:11

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but also I can’t fathom being together 15 years and not living with each other. Sounds like your relationship hasn’t progressed for years now, and therefore should you expect something special for a milestone birthday?

Eddielizzard · 19/03/2022 09:14

He's not making you a priority so don't make him one. Can you go away with friends?

Bonbon21 · 19/03/2022 09:16

Sorry.. but he would be sulking for a helluva long time with that 'expectation of sex'....
Is this what your relationship boils down to?
Undervalued as a partner... in the queue for attention... maybe time to move on...??

WhisperGold · 19/03/2022 10:17

Give him a deadline to sort something - say a week. If nothing happens you know where you stand.
And... Why would you pay half?

2DogsOnMySofa · 19/03/2022 13:33

I don't think you're under values, sounds like he simply doesn't give a shit about you. But will happily take your money off you for his birthday but expects you to pay half for yours - errr no!

Can you arrange to go away for a few nights with friends to celebrate and leave him at home

PandoraRocks · 19/03/2022 14:47

We've just had a row and as usual he's blaming me. We're not getting on he says because of his extreme sexual frustration - we have sex twice a week.TBH, it's a massive turnoff when he goes on and on about sex via text, phone and face to face. Always wanting to play with my boobs wherever we are. Makes me feel like a piece of meat.

He's basically deflected the argument away from himself. He said he's tired of 'pandering' to everybody and everyone competing for his money! This is laughable as I've got a lot more than him. I told him it's not about money. Anyway, he said he doesn't feel able to go away with me because he is EXTREMELY sexually frustrated and I'm the cause of that🙄. Think I'm going away by myself anyway to enjoy this lovely spring weather.

OP posts:
MrMrsJones · 19/03/2022 15:12

Have a fantastic weekend away on your own or with a friend and celebrate being single.

Dump this loser

Nanny0gg · 19/03/2022 15:22

Tell me you've dumped him

If not, why not?

billy1966 · 19/03/2022 15:23

I mean this kindly, but what are you doing with this selfish loser?

You are 60 and should have more sense.

Thank god you don't live with him.

He harrasses you sexually.....how you haven't the Ick I don't know.

He doesn't treat you as a priority because you aren't one.

People will treat you as poorly as you allow.

You have money?

Go away with a friend.

Stop taking his calls and take a break.

Haveva long hard look at what you are accepting, because it reads as if your standards are very low.

You don't have to accept this.

You deserve better.
Flowers

JudgeRindersMinder · 19/03/2022 15:27

Tell him to come back when he’s had a wank and can behave like a grown up

MissyB1 · 19/03/2022 15:27

Oh please get rid!! He’s a right royal pain in the ass by the sounds of it.
What is in this relationship for you?

MargosKaftan · 19/03/2022 15:38

Just end it. You aren't getting anything from this relationship, are you? Hes not a support, hes not caring about you. You aren't enjoying the sex. What other than habit is keeping this going?

Fabulous that you don't live together and don't have shared finances. Easy to walk.

Go alone or ask a friend to go away with you for a couple of days. Fresh start.

2Rebecca · 19/03/2022 21:22

He sounds horrible. The lack of a present is the least of your problems

NameGoesHere · 20/03/2022 06:48

You went out for brunch when you both had covid….. seriously?

balalake · 20/03/2022 07:04

I don't think the birthday is the real issue here. The broken promise would still be a broken one even if it was about something else.

user1498572889 · 20/03/2022 07:07

@JudgeRindersMinder

Tell him to come back when he’s had a wank and can behave like a grown up
This
RantyAunty · 20/03/2022 07:33

A cheap sulking sex pest. Yuk!

Do yourself a favour and bin this knob off.

Go away by yourself or with a friend and enjoy yourself.

HollowTalk · 20/03/2022 07:38

@RantyAunty

A cheap sulking sex pest. Yuk!

Do yourself a favour and bin this knob off.

Go away by yourself or with a friend and enjoy yourself.

Exactly this. He sounds absolutely horrible! Why on earth are you with him?
StringFellow · 20/03/2022 07:42

He sounds horrible, you deserve more than this. Definitely take yourself away at least.

Piggy666 · 20/03/2022 07:46

Eeeewwwwww
I'd rather be single than be with someone like him
Get rid

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