DH embarrassed me and won't apologise

[Mamma2456]

If your DH unintentionally embarrassed you on the phone with your PILs, would you expect an apology?

He basically repeated a private joke I made that made me look grabby and presumptuous if taken in seriousness - he later clarified with them I was joking but I don't think they'll take it that way. Then in the same call he went on and on about a foolish mistake I made that I'm trying to rectify.

I am very embarrassed and really annoyed with him - I do try to be thoughtful when it comes to them and am normally super organised - I want them to think well of me! But it's made worse by the fact that he thinks I'm overreacting. I would never put him down like that, and if I did unintentionally then I would apologise. He hasn't yet and I know that if I get one, it will be a "I'm sorry you're upset" non apology.

He tends to over-share, plus he had a glass of wine which is making him worse, so I don't want to discuss it with him at the moment. As a result we're both feeling grumpy.

Would you hold out for an apology? Or let this blow over?

What is the point in “holding out” for an apology, he won’t mean it and would just be apologising for the sake of it.

He trash talked you to other people. This is not ok. He knows it's not ok - park it for this evening. Have a bath, do your own thing, don't engage. Talk about it tomorrow

If you want to hold out for an apology that's up to you, but for me I wouldn't.

Personally if it's done unintentionally without any idea of trying to embarrass someone - and it's not something that's horrible (repeating a joke you've said, or commenting on something that's gone wrong recently), then I wouldn't be apologising for how you've taken offence to the comment.

It's his parents, he's probably going to speak more freely to them. If you're that worried about how you've come across from a retelling of a joke you made, surely the joke is the issue not him?

This is actually one of the primary reasons I divorced my exH.

He is putting you down to others in an attempt to make himself feel good/other similar motivation.

It got to the point with mine that whenever I made a statement, about ANYTHING he'd feel the need to say 'not really...' but when challenged he had nothing to say whatsoever.

Men like this make themselves feel big by putting others down. They don't, can't change.

Ask yourself how much of your life you are prepared to lose to being treated like this. The answer should be, as little as possible.

He won't change, because he doesn't want to. Let that sink in.

He sounds like an idiot, is he the same if he has not had a drink? I would tell him that this better not happen again ever and if it does he better be ready to leave. He has to respect your boundaries and putting you down for a laugh is just not acceptable and he should have your back. How would he feel if you did this while chatting to your family members. Just go watch a movie and relax and try to stop thinking about it. How is he in other ways in your relationship, does he have your back?

If he wanted to he would.

He would apologize and see how it hurt you. He would take steps to be better.

I don’t care what it was about. You said something in private that he makes public without your consent.

Imagine if you did that to him!

I think this is an actual real problem. I also believe that is why you are here. It is a real issue.

Your feelings matter.
Your trust matters.
Your emotional investment matters.

You matter.

What of him ? Does he fully see this?

Personally, (get ready mean woman on Mumsnet) my ex husband was so nice and kind and we worked together on our divorce. But he would do this kind of crap. All under cover. I couldn’t trust myself to be myself in all my ugliest reactions or whatever with him. I didn’t want to live around a “mean girl” (yup he was the typical mean girl and so is your partner) who put my private things on display .

Last but not least, he is not taking your feelings into account. He should want to make you feel safe and loved. He is worthless otherwise.

Believe in yourself and your right to have these feelings. I do.

I’d wait until I saw the PIL and give them a genuine explanation and tell them the truth that you are upset that he has put you in a bad light by repeating a daft joke x