Friend having emotional affair

[anonymousproblem]

Going to keep it short if I can, with limited details just in case.

Basically: my best friend has told me she’s in love with someone else, but she is married.
She met this guy online, he does not live in the same country. She is basically having an emotional affair. He doesn’t know she’s married, she told him she’s single. Send photos to each other, text all day every day, call often, she’s head over heels with him.
I was used as an alibi for a while before I told her I didn’t feel comfortable about this. She would tell her husband she was at my house so she could drive around on the phone to said man. Not sure how she works it now that I’m not an alibi anymore but that’s besides the point. It’s been going on almost 10 months.

It’s starting to eat me up, it’s a lot to shoulder alone. I am friends with her fiancé which makes it harder I think.
I just need an unbiased opinion off someone who doesn’t know her I guess.
What would you do?

I’d tell her to think about how she would feel if it was her OH doing this. And that she needs to either leave him or knock this EI on the head rapid.
At least you’re not her alibi anymore but she is very obviously not a very nice person.

I’d also be tempted to anonymously tip off her OH if she doesn’t stop it. But then I can’t stand cheats so I probably wouldn’t care much if we remained friends.

She likes the attention and the fantasyland she has created.

I’d talk to her about the reality. No self respecting man would accept being lied to in this manner. This online person (if genuine… so many fakes online) is being lied to by her.

Life isn’t a romance novel and she can blow up her whole world over this fantasy she has created.

Tell her she needs to sober up. Because like it or not, people can’t be controlled and if this man or any other online learns of her life he will likely tell her husband or threaten to do so.

I’ve been in this type situation. I’ve had to remind a friend that it’s not real life. Deal with real life and then you can build toward your fantasy. If it means not being with her current partner then so be it.

If you have a very close relationship you can tell her about how desperate and sad it looks to others should this come out. She hasn’t been taken even on a date or given gifts. Literally just words for the cost of her very real life.

Adding to say… it looks very sad and desperate to an outsider. Really just sad. I hope you can get her to see it .

Also tell her you won’t be her alibi any longer. Let her know it’s all sad sorted BS and she needs to get her head right.

You deserve friends you can count on as well. If she can count on you as an alibi then you should be able to count on her to hear you out.

You say she is married then it’s her fiancé? Which is it?

She is not a friend I would want as her ethics are sordid. Tell her hubby then ditch her

I would absolutely not want her to talk to me about it, in any way, shape or form.
Whether it's reason enough to end your friendship only you can decide.

Does she have kids?

Fair enough , you don’t approve . We don’t have to approve of what those around us do but when it comes to those we love we try to find compassion
She’s obviously very unhappy and seeking something outside of her relationship . It seems like it would be a massive mistake for her to marry her fiancé . This emotional affair is simply a signpost to tell her somethings seriously wrong and she needs to take a look at why she is feeling the need to do this
If she were my friend I would tell her I’m worried about her. I want her to be happy but her current choices are likely to lead to a lot of hurt for her and others . I’d suggest she talk to a trained therapist to sort through what’s really going on her
People don’t get drawn into emotional affairs unless there’s an emotional void they are trying to fill
She’s going to be very alone at some point and chances are that deep down she already feels alone
That’s what If do but , You, of course get to make the choice how important she and or your friendship is and how you want to handle it

@Pegsonstrings sorry it’s her fiancé, not husband. I don’t know why I wrote husband

Thank you all

Let her be, she’s obviously unhappy in her marriage.
Has she ever actually met this other guy though?

@Mindmatters668 no only video calls, photos etc

Nobody except her and her partner know the reality of their relationship
I had a friend who was doing similar and when it came out she was crucified by a lot of people
However , meantime her husband was using porn and web cams to which many people say ‘ yeah that’s bad but men will be men type thing ‘
Ultimately the man is meeting his sexual needs outside the relationship and she was meeting her emotional needs .
In my opinion they both would have been better leaving but my point , men are frequently given free passes to meet needs outside relationships when not happy so long as there’s no actual meet up yet women very seldom are.
We don’t know her reasons, we don’t know whether her fiancé uses to other women at all or uses these services
It be reluctant to judge and more likely to see it as somethings obviously wrong and try and help her before her life implodes … because the realists is many people are likely to treat her as a pariah if it comes out

Whilst like you I would not provide an alibi for her, I would also not get involved in any other way.

You never really know what goes on behind closed doors and I always think it's best to not make judgements.

You choose to stay her friend and be there if she needs you or walk away from the friendship if you decide you can't offer her that. Other than that, not your circus, not your monkey!

[quote anonymousproblem]@Pegsonstrings sorry it’s her fiancé, not husband. I don’t know why I wrote husband[/quote]
Have they set a date for the wedding? and do they have kids?

@anonymousproblem

Going to keep it short if I can, with limited details just in case.

Basically: my best friend has told me she’s in love with someone else, but she is married.
She met this guy online, he does not live in the same country. She is basically having an emotional affair. He doesn’t know she’s married, she told him she’s single. Send photos to each other, text all day every day, call often, she’s head over heels with him.
I was used as an alibi for a while before I told her I didn’t feel comfortable about this. She would tell her husband she was at my house so she could drive around on the phone to said man. Not sure how she works it now that I’m not an alibi anymore but that’s besides the point. It’s been going on almost 10 months.

It’s starting to eat me up, it’s a lot to shoulder alone. I am friends with her fiancé which makes it harder I think.
I just need an unbiased opinion off someone who doesn’t know her I guess.
What would you do?

I can understand your perspectives, however on the flip side, unless you can know all the specific details of the couples relationship, is it worth taking the chance and risking your friendship with both of them ?

Not your business.

My advice is a bit contradictory but...

Stand your ground about being used as an alibi but your loyalty is to your friend not her fiance.

That doesn't mean you have to approve, but being a friend is about supporting through all the ups and downs. If you don't feel you can do this though, then it's OK to distance yourself.

You just need to decide how this affects your friendship and how you're going to speak to her about it, if at all.

It's OK to say that you love her and support her but you're uncomfortable so please keep you out of it/don't go on about it too much.

I'd probably tell her to tread carefully, not make any rash decisions but if she wants to break up with her fiance then sooner is better.