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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Follow on from AIBU... stay or go?

23 replies

mestle · 18/03/2022 19:40

I posted earlier about my partner who for all intents and purposes is weirdly entertwined with his sister and her family. A default husband and father if you will.
He has his own children , two of whom are I their twenties and live with him.

His sister is lovely but due to an uninvolved husband, does not seem to be able to cope with their four kids.
Her family, my partner included, have always been involved in helping her to
Rear them.
This is expected and is just the way it is.

It has been said outside the family that she is a snow flake, a Madame and a spoilt brat.
I don't find her to be that but it has been said on a number of occasions by those known to her.
My partner is very good to her as she is to him.
He has however taken on the role of figurative husband and father.
He minds her kids every day, takes them to soft play, swimming, walks as she needs a lie down every day.

Her husband has his own very successful business, employing many with the type of work that means he could leave at any time. He simply won't and isn't involved in the practicalities of family life.

The kids are getting older and need more care and she will literally click her fingers and he's gone. Up to now, it hasn't affected our time too much but it's becoming a little too regular lately.

I understand that there is an element of mutual support but I believe that our limited time together( EOW and one night on alternate weekend) should be ours.We lead busy stressful lives outside eod this time.

She says jump.. he says how high.
Does this need a sit down or do I get rid?
Together three years and live apart 50
Miles away from each other. I can't see it getting any better tbh but I can't see him telling her that he won't be free on x date to entertain her kids. In fact I see it getting more time consuming.

I'm at cross roads on this and would appreciate your input please.

OP posts:
mestle · 18/03/2022 20:02

Shameless bump Blush

OP posts:
mestle · 18/03/2022 21:35

Anybody? I'd really appreciate some input please

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Catcrazy83 · 18/03/2022 21:50

I’d leave. People who spread themselves to thin please nobody. I’d find it pretty disrespectful if my bf often just bailed on me tbh

m00rfarm · 18/03/2022 21:53

Do you have young children?

pickingdaisies · 18/03/2022 21:55

If I had to bet, I'd say you can have the talk, he'd bluster a bit then apologise and promise to be more involved. But there will always. Always. Be a reason why he has to go and help just this once, and then one more, and before you know it, you'll be right back where you are again.

DatingDinosaur · 18/03/2022 22:01

You can’t make much of a decision about anything if you don’t sit him down and talk with him about it.

It’s not unreasonable for him to give her advance notice of when he ISN’T available to her so she can make other arrangements.

If he can’t or won’t do that then you need to decide whether you are happy to play second fiddle to his sister and her family for the foreseeable future.

mestle · 18/03/2022 22:21

Thanks for replies. I was desperate for alternative opinions. I'm
Trying to get my head round why there is such dependence on her part and such fear of displeasing her on his.
I understand that because she is such a good sister to him that he may feel a pressure and he has admitted as much but where does he draw the line?
We tried to talk but he got defensive and his attitude was that it was too late to change now... It probably didn't help that I said I found it weird and that everyone was enabling the absent husband and father.

I'm all about helping anyone in an
Emergency/ urgency/ accident situation but it's like she cannot cope
Unless there is a rota of family to help. I find it weird and off putting.

OP posts:
Jk24 · 18/03/2022 22:38

Why is he helping her daily? If he took her kids out with his kids say on a Sunday to help her and let the kids spend time together fine. But why daily? Thats on top

mestle · 18/03/2022 22:42

He does it as he has time and feels some sort of misplaced loyalty I think.

OP posts:
mestle · 18/03/2022 22:43

His kids are all grown up.

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gamerchick · 18/03/2022 22:44

Thing is you can't see a future with a bloke so entwined with another woman's kids. Even if they are family. If you progressed the relationship and had kids of your own then resentment will set in.

Maybe he likes this set up. Sex and a relationship scheduled and the rest of his time his own. How long will you be happy with it for?

DatingDinosaur · 18/03/2022 22:50

Okay, didn’t realise you’d already spoke with him about this.

He got defensive and said he/she/things won’t change. Well that tells you everything you need to know really doesn’t it.

It doesn’t matter about finding an explanation for his sister’s family dynamics. Knowing the answer won’t make the slightest bit of difference anyway.

What does matter is that his involvement in it feels too much for you and you are starting to resent him/her for that. He isn’t respecting your feelings or your relationship if he’s not open to working out some sort of compromise.

So now you’re at that point where you have to decide whether you’re happy playing second fiddle to that arrangement.

mestle · 18/03/2022 22:52

We are very happy together and see a future when our kids are settled, together. Our efforts match but this issue has become a thing. I don't want anymore from him right now. This is my idea of heaven. My own home, kids safe and protected , work , friends and hobbies in my own time. That's not the issue here at all. I could happily live like this for ten more years but he'd like to settle together sooner.
It's this codependency between them that's causing problems for me and us.

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M0RVEN · 18/03/2022 22:52

@mestle

He does it as he has time and feels some sort of misplaced loyalty I think.
He’s doing it because he wants to. This is his life and he’s not going to change up for you.

You’ve talked about it and he’s happy the way things are.

So either accept it or leave. Sorry but it really is that simple.

LittleOwl153 · 18/03/2022 23:25

Each time you are there and he leaves to go to his sister's, go home. And don't cone back that weekend . Don't spend your life sitting around waiting for him. If he doesn't change when he starts to find you gone you know you will never take priority.

contrelamontre · 19/03/2022 07:33

You say that she is " such a good sister to him" - how? What does she give?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2022 08:11

"We are very happy together and see a future when our kids are settled, together. Our efforts match but this issue has become a thing".

Is this really true?. You live 50 miles apart and he is unlikely to move any closer to you given his enmeshed relationship with his sister. You are yourself not happy and denial is a powerful force here (this comment about our efforts match; they simply do not). You've over invested in this and I would urge you not to get bogged down in your sunk costs.

Familial enmeshment is a very serious problem and affects all those within it. This is not going to get any better at all; he will always be enmeshed and their relationship is also a toxic and codependent one. Their parents likely started this whole dysfunctional dynamic as well and her children will likely also repeat this in their own families.

Your choices are indeed accept this or leave. I would choose leave.

mestle · 19/03/2022 08:54

Thank you.
When I asked why he offered support to his sister rather than stay with me, his answer was that he had told her he would be home.
When I asked why he didn't contact her to say he'd be home the next day instead,he had no answer.
That rang serious alarm bells for me.He is mid forties !
She has supported him through some very difficult times and he says he feels that he owes her.

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contrelamontre · 19/03/2022 09:03

I agree with Attila really... it is possible for this to change but it took therapy during a long period of pandimic-enforced distance to see the light and start the unmeshment.

It's why I asked in what way she is "such a good sister"... because it's a narrative that was repeated to me not just by her but by various family members for as long as I can remember. When I started to unpick it (which I was very resistant to doing), the whole thing unravelled so quickly I was in shock for quite a while.

What is the age relationship between them? Are there other siblings?

GeneLovesJezebel · 19/03/2022 09:07

I’d end it, it will only breed resentment.

mestle · 19/03/2022 09:16

His sister is a very good person. She is kind and helpful and family trumps all.
I see why he feels he needs to 'repay' that support but where is the line?
The dynamic is that he tells her when he is available and she tells him what she wants or needs. In this case, it is childcare, daily. She will then often ask for help when he isn't free and because he will not be in proximity at that time, he will say he cant.

He commits to requests for help before he discusses them with me so when time
Comes for us to plan, he has said... I have to help Jane that weekend.

There are other siblings and they are close but it seems they pick up parenting and partnership responsibilities for the kids Dad.

OP posts:
M0RVEN · 19/03/2022 09:22

You are flogging a dead horse here. You are tying to psychoanalyse him, work out if what he is doing is right or wrong, how you can change him.

You can’t change him because he doesn’t want to change. He likes his life the way it is. Either you embrace him and his family and how they interact with each other and depend on each other.

Or leave.

contrelamontre · 19/03/2022 09:54

I'm not sure that you could say 'he likes his life the way it is' - it could equally be that he can't see any other way of life being like this - "it's too late to change now"...

I'm projecting too much of my own situation here I know... but I'm intrigued about the sister being "a very good person" even though others outside of the family system see her as entitled and flaky. Wondering what the actual concrete examples are of her kindness to him? Of her actually putting his needs on the same level or before hers? Putting herself out for him? Not just "emoting" but actually giving concrete and consistent support. But, yeah, that's about my own shit...

Ultimately, you've said you are at a crossroads. You're not happy. Your hopes for you and your partner to prioritise each other during your limited time together is not unreasonable. He can't do that. So leaving is the best option.

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