How to get past this awkward phase??

[LuckyLinda3]

Hi everyone, not even sure what I'm asking here. In a relationship 1 yr, all good. First relationship for me 2rys after the breakdown of 25yr marriage. We get on great, great communication, respect and great chemistry. Dont live together and both have kids, very different, mostly conflicting work schedules and live 40 mins apart. It's very hard to get time together and while he is pretty easygoing about this because he says he feels secure in our relationship and that he sees more time for us in near future, I'm just not as ok with it. I realise its most likely my own insecurities but I find myself getting irritated and dont want it to be like this. We have spoken about it so I don't want to keep bringing it up but I also feel its mostly self sabotage on my part. I have made it clear that I wont do all the legwork in any future relationship bit despite being very independent do sometimes feel annoyed by his social life, he often goes for a pint after work! Any ideas on where I go from here, all advice appreciated x

Are you me?!

These are exactly the details of my life and I have been thinking about it all morning as I'm seeing him tonight!

Like you, I love being independent (and someone wanting to see me all the time would put me off) but we have such a good time together that I'd like to see him more than the at the most fortnightly that we currently manage. We both have teenagers who have met us as we were friends through a hobby first which is good and my dcs at least really like him and are really happy for me. I'm trying to have boundaries but not be too needy, it feels so complicated!

He is super-easy to talk too but I don’t want to overwhelm him and self-sabotage what is such an easy and happy part of my life by voicing my insecurities!

@GremlinDolphin4, hi! I feel your pain, have you spoken to him about it at all? See we have talked but I work 9 to 5 mon to fri while he works 8 to 9 and is a healthcare worker so could be on any day or called in at last minute. I'm trying to be understanding but times it feels so difficult to get together. Hes really easy going too so I think I sweat it more than he does!

How often do you see him OP?

@NeedleNoodle3 usually every sat night we go out and i stay over in his then he calls 1 evening to mine after work for an hour and sometimes stays over. To he fair he had an accident at work and we have both had covid all since Christmas so it's been complicated.

In an ideal world what would you like?

@NeedleNoodle3 I'm not needy but firm plans for at least 1 overnight a week and one other meet up be it for lunch, few hours together chilling or another overnight. I just feel we are bumbling week to week with no firm plans and that I'm constantly working around his work schedule.

That would annoy me, have you tried being more ‘busy’ so he has to fit in with you a bit more?

@NeedleNoodle3 its funny you say that, I was thinking of just taking the weekend to myself for a change. I know its petty but I am a bit peeved at always working around his work routine. That said if I'm honest a lot of stuff crops up with me around the kids and he accommodates that.

In a similar situation, but I'm fine with it. Twice a week is enough for me, I work for NHS, so it is hard to be regular about meets - you just can't guarantee any day of the week permanently. I did get irritated when he went out to meet bar friends on my only weekend night off once, so we didn't meet that weekend, but if that's the case, we can meet on a Monday instead.

@Opentooffers, thanks. Maybe I need to chill and be more flexible.

I'm similar here. We see each other twice a week only. Mid 40s, both have young teens, both work full time. Live an hour apart. We do video calls in the evening so we stay connected when we are apart. We have been doing this for nearly two years. We love one another very much but can't really do any more. On the positive side of things, we are so super excited to see each other always & the chemistry is still so intense. We don't have to talk about bills, house work etc so all of our time together is very engaging & really good fun. Like a lot of posters in the same position, I think situations will change over time when teens get a bit more independent. I definitely couldn't do it without the WhatsApp video calls & messages in between. Best of luck! X

I was in this situation when my kids were younger. We still have an EOW arrangement when we stay at each other’s house but we are making more of an effort to see each other at other times. So we go to a PT once a week and then to the pub for a drink. We meet up on the kids weekends to go to park run. We might meet up for a coffee or I will invite him over for Sunday lunch with all of us. Start arranging more informal stuff.

Oh yes the major change was speaking to each other every day even for a minute. It feels more connected.

What happened when you spoke about it? What did you say? What did he say? How did you each feel afterwards?

@Kottontail, aw thanks, hearing that makes me feel better!

@Feelingoktoday, informal stuff is definitely an idea for us, thank you!

@Watchkeys, he agreed he would like us to see each other more. All I'm asking for is firmer plans for meeting up. I know we have busy differing schedules but still its possible to make it work. I told him how I was feeling this evening and he said he was just trying to be nice suggesting I do things on my days off as he was busy working. I told him I understood that but would prefer if we could just take the uncertainty out of it by making plans a wee bit in advance.

My chap is a bit of a later on planner, there is irritation in that, as I'm the one not always available, I like to plan in advance, I'm working on him, I've started informing him of my days off in the week -hint. So far he's suggested a meet on my days off.
I had a word after a couple of months of seeing him as it seemed too much me suggesting what and when seeing each other, " like would a meet happen if I didn't arrange it?" - checking not all one-sided and actually reciprocated. I loose interest if I start to feel that I'm putting in most effort. He's been better since, I don't think it occured to him. Sometimes you need to give a laid back guy a shove as they don't realise

@Opentooffers, that makes so much sense to me. Like you I lose interest if I feel I'm putting more energy in. Maybe I do need to give him a nudge!