Partners ex girlfriend problem

[Amy238510]

So my fiancé has an ex partner they have two children together. I accepted that she would always be in our lives when we first met as I understand they have children together.

But, I am at breaking point. She does not only text him regarding the children, for example on my birthday she found out he was in Scotland and she asked him what he was doing in Scotland.. she has also asked very personal questions such as if I was pregnant. She also flipped out when we bought our house.. and at Christmas she was texting him about how she wished they were all having a family Christmas. She has also made sexual comments asking if he wants pictures etc. he has been very honest and told me everything so I completely trust him, but I think he’s scared to confront her as she is very controlling with the children and he adored them and is scared she’ll make him life hard about seeing the children as at the moment she sends pictures etc. (he works away) and she keeps him very much involved in their lives which is lovely.

But I am at breaking point as it is seriously affecting our relationship, do you think I am within my right to say go down the legal route so that he does not have to continue with this inappropriate communication with his ex as we are starting to plan a family and our lives together?

Your DP needs to stop telling you this stuff. How does he respond to her is the important bit. I would expect him to ignore it or just a one line stock response eg. “We are no longer couple and this is inappropriate.”

What do you mean by legal route? Has he actually asked her to stop?

I'm not sure that legally she is doing anything wrong, well in the eyes of the law.

It really is down to him to tell her straight.

You also need to do your best to overlook it. She will get tired eventually.

He's not managing the situation, so why would a legal route be preferable? There are no contact issues from what you're saying, but rather issues with the fact there is communication. You may need to Ride this out and wait for your oh to address it. If you can't, it may be that this isn't right for you.

Sorry I worded that wrong; I mean as In going through the courts and having an agreement on custody/contact so he doesn’t have to go through his ex and so that she cannot legally stop him from seeing the children

You have a dp problem. It's his job to make it clear to her when she is being inappropriate. And to make you feel secure in your relationship. If he can't do this then it's time for you to call it a day with him.

All he needs to do is to not respond to anything that isn't about the children. Because nothing else is any of her business. It may be that she will take umbridge to that in some way like reducing his child contact but that's a chance he has to take if he wants to live his life with a new partner. It's part of being a grown up to set and enforce boundaries FOR YOURSELF. If someone wants to continue to be a dick to you after that then that's up to them, but you don't submit to their manipulation attempts.

Legally she is not doing anything wrong rn.
If your partber can't step up and stop tolerating this shit then don't waste any more time in this relationship as it will always be a miserable existence.

@Amy238510

Sorry I worded that wrong; I mean as In going through the courts and having an agreement on custody/contact so he doesn’t have to go through his ex and so that she cannot legally stop him from seeing the children

But is she currently preventing contact?

Even with an order, if someone wishes to be obstructive they can and many do.

If she found that he was in Scotland through social media or a location thing then he knows what to do about that.

The legal route won't stop her contacting him although it might be good for his peace of mind if he's worried. He will look silly taking her to court when she's not withholding contact but it depends if he's worried.

He needs to stop telling you when she texts. You don't need to know.

I would personally leave this relationship because a man who hasn't established boundaries with the ex quite frankly shouldn't be dating. It will only get worse over time and if you have kids then they will be dragged into this dynamic too. If she ramped out her behaviour after you bought a house then I think it'll happen for all of the big future moments. You'll end up worrying about her reaction over enjoying your life.

She's not the problem or at least she wouldn't be if he handled it better.

You are annoyed with the wrong person.

Ask yourself honestly if he is enjoying the attention...
He can seek a contact order...
He can ignore any texts that aren't about the dc. And he can stop telling you. Is he trying to make you jealous?

I would avoid family courts. And to be honest the courts expect them to have contact regardless. They couldn’t order her to stop saying what she does. That really needs to come from him.

OP the ex does sound like she’s stepping way over the boundaries here BUT the person who should be shutting this down is your partner.

He is the one who needs to draw his personal boundary with her. And If he refuses to do so, then you’ll need to reassess your relationship.

A court contact order wouldn’t dictate the terms of communication between them. It’s strictly about the arrangement for contact time between parents and child.

Ask your partner to enforce his boundaries with her - if he won’t then you’ve got a much bigger issue than an overinvested ex

He isn't discouraging her behaviour which is as good as encouraging it. He needs to set out clear boundaries.

She's not going to stop contact because he tells her not to send sexually explicit messages.

Why did you buy a house or get engaged with a man who panders to his ex?!

I don't think her asking if you're pregnant is a massive issue really.

If he doesn't acknowledge the inappropriate texts and keeps saying he doesn't want to receive them unless it's regarding the children hopefully she will get bored and move on. If she doesn't and threatens withdrawal of seeing the children then it will look bad on her with the evidence showing this.

It's easy for me to say but don't let her words impact your relationship. He can't control what she writes but he can be clear he is happy and doesn't want anything other than co parenting.

So sorry you are going through this. My boyfriend was still touching base with the ex when we met. He still does respond to her how are you texts. But she's caused so much drama he knows not to mention her too much to me. They don't have children. But she helped him out when he was struggling after they split so he feels she's someone he wants to be friends with. She has done the whole I'm concerned for you. Your new girlfriend I don't trust. She's done the hints at missing him. She has hinted at rekindling. She's questioned him on other women she's seen on his profile. She's just made me feel threatened since day one.
I'm not completely sure what happened but a few months back she was causing drama and he blocked her on Facebook and then ended up talking to her a month later on wattsapp. He claims since then she's not been in touch.

It's horrible. I keep saying to myself she will get bored. She will go away eventually. She will meet someone else. It'd good you trust your partner and don't feel he's capable of flirting or being sneaky. Because they have kids it's hard for him but if she can't behave perhaps he needs to get a solicitor to sort things so he doesn't have to communicate.

I understand how much it can get to you. Even the words "my Ex" now make me feel tense.

My feeling about this is that he’s enjoying the attention from her.

He makes out he’s telling you so he appears honest but really he’s getting you involved in a triangle which isn’t likely to stop.It’s quite disrespectful, especially as he’s doing nothing to stop it.

You have to decide if you want to continue being part of a triangle or leave and find someone without the baggage who treats you with respect.