Would you stay or go?

[IslandGirl5]

I’m not even sure where to start right now. I’m at my wits end. My DH is struggling mentally. He was so happy go lucky and funny when we first met. We’ve been together 4 years, have a 19 month old amazing DD and recently married last year. It’s not a long relationship I know but about 2 years ago he started complaining about his weight or his age (he’s older than me by 8 years but it never seemed an issue as we were so similar in personality. He started going on about hating where we lived, disliking this or that etc. covid happened and we both lost our jobs and I was about to go on mat leave anyway so we took the opportunity to start over somewhere new and moved away. We’ve recently moved again because he wasn’t happy. He’s just never happy. Nothing we do or try and change is enough and it’s taken 2 years to really mentally affect me too and I’ve had enough. This morning I was changing DD nappy and he was sat with the dog. It was pooey and she was wriggling like mad so I just said in an exasperated way “can you help please?” Which he did. Then after I apologised for snapping just said I was stressing with it. And he said “it’s fine I’m used to it, it’s for the rest of my life now”. Then after the argument that followed said we shouldn’t have had a child IN FRONT of DD. I was fuming. And earlier he was getting upset that he doesn’t deserve our DD and she needs better etc and I know he needs help (he has rung for therapy finally but is waiting for a call back) but all I could think was “not again”. I’m tired of doing the main bulk of childcare, working part time, helping him, moving house, not getting great sleep etc and I snapped at him back this morning saying that I don’t exactly want someone who is miserable all the time for the rest of my life either! I’ve apologised since and so has he but I almost think it would be easier if I was alone. He’s got so many good qualities though, he’s great as a dad, he cooks and cleans and plays and wants to do better but it’s been 2 years and it’s just getting worse. What would you do??

Trial separation? Might give him the push to sort himself out and if not well then you have your answer.

Do you think you would cope alone ? If you’re struggling to change a nappy without help then you’ll be in for a shock as a single parent

@Fidgety31 ouch I’ve done most of them for 19 months I think I’ll be fine: she was getting it everywhere and he was just sat there that’s why I asked him to help while I cleaned her up but thanks for your input during a hard time. Super helpful

@Movingonup22 might be an idea thank you

He sounds depressed. Obviously you can still kick him out if you like.

He sounds like one of lifes whiners that’ll never be happy - his weight, his age, where he lives, his own daughter, all causing his misery.

You’ve moved twice in two years to try and fix his unhappiness but what’s he done to help himself the past two years?

Get rid before he drags you down into his pit of self pity and despair.

Yeah he’s definitely depressed. He’s only just rung therapy after years of me asking him to and saying I can’t be his therapist. He just never used to be like this just not sure where to go from here

Awful that he said that in front of your DD. I felt like that at various stages in my DCs infancy/toddlerhood but I wouldn't say it in front of them!

For many the early years is a very hard, boring, relentless, anti-climatic stage of life. I really struggled and my relationship suffered massively. If you love him and want to salvage the relationship then wait until your DD is of school age before you do anything dramatic would be my advice. Things get much easier and settled IME. Definitely don't add another child to the mix - which is what I did and it nearly finished me/us off!

@Chonfox that’s so helpful thank you! It’s nice to hear it’s not just us even though logically I know it isn’t. I mean I’ve had days I’ve thought it too so I do try my best to be understanding. I’d love to salvage it and since this argument he has been a bit more up beat like he’s really trying. I hope we can end up like you guys and make it work!