SAHM to Career due to Divorce after Affair

[LuxyHugs]

Hello everyone,
Bit of background, I discovered my husbands affair in December 2021 (literally days after he shagged a woman in a hotel room), I kicked him out to his mothers where he stayed for a week and then came back asking if I would take him back, because he ended it with OW. I took him back and tried for 3 months to better everything about myself, but kept having this gut feeling that something wasn't quite right. I logged into our shared 02 phone bill account and there it was ... he never stopped calling and texting her for even one day after coming back.

Anyways divorce is going to start this month once we have written all the stuff down ourselves before heading to solicitors.

I have been a stay at home mum for 4 years now. Kiddo is 3 and half now. I am now fully enrolled into an IT course for a year to make myself some sort of career so I can be independent and build a future for my kiddo. Doing all this while dealing with the emotional turmoil of being cheated on and finding out that this has been going on in one way or another for most of 12 years together. Another add to the stress, I am trying to get a job good enough to take over the mortgage on the family home.

(He emotionally cheated, online only messages and pictures, before the wedding, which I found out then, but chose to forgive as he was so so remorseful. I found out this time round that he had been doing dating apps starting 5 years ago, as far as I could find, many many dating accounts on the computer and messaging on Instagram to pretty girls who workout/bodybuild. Tons of disgusting stuff and pictures of women from other sources.)

The point of this post is, I need positive and motivational stories of mums who made it out the other end being happy single, became independent with a stable career, and been better on their own since the divorce.

I am scared of the huge mountain I need to climb to get to the other end, going from Stay At Home Mum to Career Mum. I need your positive stories, and many others in similar situations could probably do with them too.

Thank you x

I have never been a sahm and I'm still with my dh 14 years post his affair, so not the person you're wanting to hear from, lol. I just wanted to say, good luck, you really can do this. You're making positive steps and have a great attitude towards it.

Don’t agree to anything until you’ve spoken to a solicitor.

Like the pp I haven't been in this position, but it's impressive that you have already enrolled on a course despite the turmoil surrounding you - this bodes really well for your future success in re-establishing a career. Wishing you the very best

I have been in your situation .Gave up my career that I loved to be a SAHM and moved 200 miles away from family with ex h job.
About a year later found out he was having an affair and like you I tied myself in knots trying to change ,thinking that if I had been slimmer ,taller ,funnier ,better ,I would have been good enough .

I now realise that I absolutely was good enough -too good in fact -it was him who was a liar and a cheat ...not exactly admirable qualities .
I am wishing you all the luck in the world !
There is no denying it can be hard juggling your career and being a single mother but as time goes on it gets easier and the sense of achievement is immense !
You are amazing already !!-it isn't easy deciding to go it alone but you will find strength you never knew you had -I promise !
There is only one way to go from here and that is up !

I wasn't a SAHM but did become a single parent after ex husbands affair. It was tough but I can honestly say we made a success of it and built our own life. I rapidly learnt to be self sufficient. Wrap around childcare was a god send. I felt guilty but my DD is now 19 and tells me it was fine. She knew as she got older that I was working for us. It really is possible to move on. Best of luck to you.

My husband and I separated just over 2 years ago. I used to be teacher and worked part time our whole marriage but he had a high flying career, working away all the time (turns out he was using it to have affairs) so I left my career 4 years ago (when still together) as with 2 young kids it wasn't compatible at all. I did still work though so not SAHM but started a new career. Anyway we split as covid hit 2 years ago and I got made redundant too. Now, I have a new job in a relate field to teaching, work from home, have flexible hours so don't need childcare unless it's school holidays and I've had 2 promotions in that time and now earn more than I did as full time teacher. It's amazing what drive it have me knowing I had to be able to support my two without his input. I have 70% custody but he pays minimal maintenance (he's self-employed). I've also just bought my own house as he stopped paying in order to starve us out of the family home. 2 years ago I would have said me buying my own place was impossible but we moved in Monday. Honestly, I'm really proud of what achieved, all on my own. I hope that helps 🙂

@Struggling1702 out of curiosity, can I ask what you do? Currently love teaching but there have been times I haven’t!

@Blushingviolets I started working for an edtech company making resources and now I'm in charge of sales/marketing and customer support. Don't do any teaching as such anymore but I do support teachers every day

@ClariceQuiff Thank you I appreciate the well wishes, I hope I haven't taken on too much too soon, but I suppose it keeps me busy and distracted from the pain.

@Wantubackforgood Many thanks. Much like yourself I moved away from family for him. All my family and friends live in another country. We are indeed good enough, just because the cheaters don't see it, doesn't mean that they decide what our worth is.

@onemoredayplease Thank you, I really hope to be self sufficient soon and get my confidence back along with it.

@Struggling1702 Thank you, the sense of achievement or the wanting to get to that feeling is what keeps me going at the moment, and of course seeing my sons face happy every morning.

@brokengoalposts Thank you, I can't lie and say I really wanted our marriage to work and go the distance. I still had that picture in my head of us sitting in the garden all old and frail, watching grandkids play, but that's not his picture, so I can't keep holding on to a dream. But thank you for the kind words.

@GeneLovesJezebel Thank you, yeah I am not signing anything until I am fully satisfied and know I can't be lied to or twisted around the finger anymore with lies and cons. I will stand ground and keep myself and my son safe.

I didn't give up my career whilst having dc and I was very thankful not to have. Plus my ex was a complete arse post split. My dc were around the same age as yours.
Several years on I still have my job (which is no mean feat given a pandemic and drawn out divorce) and have managed to invest in the children so that they feel loved and secure and doing ok at school and that for me is a win.
The dc are getting to an age where I can look to have more time for myself and my career and I much prefer being single emotionally and spacewise but having to do all the jobs is a bit of a drag.
The ex has someone else and I don't envy either of them.

What did you do for work before becoming a SAHM?

Pleased don't despair , you can do this . I was a SAHM for years to facilitate his career. Now after 32 years will probably have to lose the house as I have no real job prospects. But you have , you'r young , smart and willing to do the upskilling. I wish I had discovered what a lying cheater bastard he would turn out to be while I was still young enough to start a new career.

He is not worthy of you, you deserve better .Keep focused on this.

@RetireReady Thanks for your story, I too feel that I need my emotional space, I can't put my trust out there again. All I need is to see a smile on my boys face and I'm good.

@TheOrigRights I was a Security Officer, but that has no future for me where I live now.

@Stillfunny Thank you, I have to be honest I shed a tear reading your message. I'm sorry you had to find out after so much investment. I hope things will work out in one way or another for you too. The feeling of fear is overwhelming often. Virtual Hugs your way.
I do feel I'm lucky to have found out now rather than later, still hurts tremendously. Just have to keep my head high and continue my life with dignity.

Have a look at the chump lady website it's full of inspiration m from women who have gone through Thai and come out the other side.

Well done on getting this far

I wasn't cheated on but my exh was abusive. I was working from home part time when we split he was the main breadwinner. I increased my work, applied for (then) tax credits to help. My parents guaranteed my mortgage for me so I could buy him out. ( if you are living in family home with kids you don't have to do this but I wanted too. He lost out as this was early 2000's just before house boom) it was the best decision I ever made, to not have that anxiety/fear anymore. To be able to do whatever I wanted was amazing. I reconnected with friends, went on weekends away did some fun nights out. Did loads with my dc without the fear of someone spoiling it by losing their rag. I met the love of my life a few years later and have been happily married for 14 years now. Never regretted it for a second.