My boyfriend has left me while I am four months pregnant. I don't know what to do

[habi009]

Just like anyone else, I thought we would be together forever. Last night he took flight and left us. I heard from him when he had arrived in the north back home and he told me he had fallen in love with someone with the same name as me, but not the ugly, hurtful and manipulative person he saw yesterday.

I've never had anybody describe me like this before and I don't think it is fair or true. I don't want to explain everything because I'd go on forever, but I obviously feel like I am the hard done by and wounded party. I deeply love him and I never thought he would leave me. I have clearly hurt him but I did not know or mean to.

So, what do I do now? I am scared to do this on my own. I've already had to come back to my mum and dad's as I was made redundant a month before I found out I was pregnant. I was supposed to move in with my partner in three weeks. I feel like I'm hugely putting on my parents to have a baby here, but I can't afford to go anywhere else. My mum said I should consider what I want to do, but I just can't terminate my baby. I also feel that the damage is done with my partner and I'll never forgive him, regardless of whether he changes his mind or not. I think he'll always let me down, and my child down.

I feel like I can't win, like there's no way out. Any thoughts or observations, advice or experiences? :(

I’m so sorry this has happened but there is always a way forward. How old are you OP?

Thank you. I'm 28. I've had a lot of short relationships but this was the first time I actually committed

So sorry you’re going through this. It’ll be hard to see now, but you have a future ahead with your child. You two will be so close and bonded together. Look into applying for child support payments from your ex and find out what benefits you are entitled to generally. It may be that eventually you can move out and live with your child. People on low incomes are entitled to some free nursery hours from when their child is two.

How long had you been together?

I'm so sorry. You sound thoughtful and insightful. He was nasty and said those things to make his departure easier on himself. You want to keep your baby, that is your choice. It is good you have your parents for now, but l would make a plan to be independent, when you can. Your decisions, your life. I think you are right he will let you and baby down in future. He has shown his true colours. Now is time for you and baby to grow healthy and strong. You can do this.

From your post I am assuming you are keeping the baby. Once you have had the baby you will be eligible for more benefits and then it should be easier to find somewhere to live. Not sure if it still available but you used to get a £500 baby grant and there are healthy start vouchers. You would also get 15 hours free childcare from 2 years.
As you are in a very low income you should be able to access a baby bank for the things you need. Make sure you meet you health visitor before you have the baby as she will know all the local help available. Tell you midwife now what has happened so she can support you.

Please don’t believe his words. He’s projecting. He is saying you’re all of these horrible things to justify treating his pregnant partner so appallingly.

It sounds as though he’s actually describing himself to a tee and could be setting you up to be the crazy ex. Please protect yourself, surround yourself with people, who care about you.

Thanks everyone, it's really helping to just hear from all of you. We've been together for a year.

I've taken that advice and told my midwife. It hurts terribly - nobody thinks they will be in this situation do they! I feel like I've had everything - amazing job, my own apartment, amazing partner. I have lost it all but I hope have gained a wonderful baby. I am already high-risk because of my blood pressure and I'm doing my best not to panic too much or get too upset because I'm frightened it will affect baby.

In some ways this has worked out well as you are already living at your parents so you have support and don’t have the stress of moving back in with them.

Did you get a good amount of redundancy money?

I would stay at your parents for a few weeks and try and get a temporary job to save up some money.

Contact UC and make a claim - you might not get much now but once the baby arrives or you move out you can update it.

Get on to the housing list - again you may be low down now but once baby is born then you will move higher up.

I know you’re so sad about the relationship and it’s awful and you’re absolutely allowed a day or 2 to feel sorry for yourself but then you need to get back up and focus on you and make a plan.
Don’t let him make your life even harder.

I wouldn’t even bother contacting him for at least 2 weeks as he wants you to do the pick me dance and cry on the phone to him begging for him back.

@habi009 im so sorry you are going through this. Please try to remove him from your mind. It will be really hard to do that i know. Have a good cry to let out your emotions but try not to wallow in it. You have to remain strong to be able to build your life back up and be good for your lovely baby.

As you said please dont ever take him back. If he would do this to you when you need him the most then you cant trust him. Thank God you have your parents to support you. Is their house spacious enough for yoyu not to get on their nerves?. If it is Speak to them about possibly staying there till the baby is born and you are able to get a proper job. If not i would get any job possible and move out and they can still support you. You are going to be ok in the end. You can do this

How very convenient that he'd already found someone to be in love with just as you turned to him for support out to be such a terrible person.

Honestly OP he isnt worthy of your love, try and regret him as little as possible.

For now though you dont have time for long regrets, you need to be practical. If you are keeping this baby you need to think about how you are going to support it for the next 20 years. Have you done the math on what it will cost? Have you looked at what benefits you'll be entitled to? Assuming your parents are happy to have you, you might be best off stopping with them for the foreseeable future and saving towards a relaunch.

I very much suspect it’s him who is a nasty manipulative person. Please don’t let him back into your life. Block him everywhere and don’t give him any access to you or your future child, he doesn’t deserve it.

It’ll be difficult OP but you can get through this, and there is a future where you can be happy, you just need to get through this first.

He is projecting. There is no defence for cheating on your pregnant partner, which he knows. So he'll try to rewrite your relationship so he's a victim and had to escape his awful gf.

You know that isn't true. He knows that isn't true. Anyone who knows you will know it isn't true.

You have your lovely baby to look forward to. Whilst this is a horrible time for you, it's better for you and baby that this happened now than, say, just after you'd given birth. You can build a lovely life just the two of you. It's great that you have your parents' support - make the best of it and take care of you both.

His loss.

I was the ‘baby’ in this situation. My father cleared off leaving my mum when she was the same age and as far gone as you. She accepted help from my grandparents, and when I was born she went back to college and retrained as a teacher. Life wasn’t easy but she was a brilliant mum and I had a happy childhood with her and my grandparents. So sorry OP, but stay strong for your child - this could be the making of you as it was her.

Very upsetting and difficult OP, so sorry this has happened.

Would this be possible?:

Get a job, any job, the hospitality industry is desperate for employees, for example. Don’t mention pregnancy.

Use job to get reference and deposit to get a flat.

Leave job for maternity leave, at which point you claim everything you are entitled to, UC, housing benefit, in due course child benefit and child maintenance from your ex.

@Porcupineintherough

How very convenient that he'd already found someone to be in love with just as you turned to him for support out to be such a terrible person.

Honestly OP he isnt worthy of your love, try and regret him as little as possible.

For now though you dont have time for long regrets, you need to be practical. If you are keeping this baby you need to think about how you are going to support it for the next 20 years. Have you done the math on what it will cost? Have you looked at what benefits you'll be entitled to? Assuming your parents are happy to have you, you might be best off stopping with them for the foreseeable future and saving towards a relaunch.

I don't think he's found someone else has he? That's not what op was saying. Of course he may have met another woman, but the op doesn't know that.

Don't put his name on the birth certificate, so he doesn't have parental responsibility. Give the baby your name. It's better he's done this now than when you have a tiny baby or toddler. You know what you are dealing with, you are in control and you don't need a man. There are jobs out there and benefits. Don't let him crawl back as you will spend your whole life worrying when he's going to do it again. He's weak and acting like a little child. You have support and you will cope just fine. It's so much better doing things alone than trying to do everything and not upsetting a flaky man at the same time. Onwards and upwards, you will do it.

Before everyone slates this guy, we don't know why he left. What exactly does this mean but not the ugly, hurtful and manipulative person he saw yesterday

@Fatgalslim

Before everyone slates this guy, we don't know why he left. What exactly does this mean but not the ugly, hurtful and manipulative person he saw yesterday

I wonder about that too. The op hasn't come back and hasn't given any detail. He could be justified in leaving, but we just don't know.

Thanks for all your replies. @Mariposista that has made me feel better, thank you. I'm lucky to have a great family and friends that are supporting me too. Also, @knittingaddict you're right - I don't think he has cheated, I just wrote it really badly. He just said 'I was in love with Hattie (me) not that person I saw today'.

I've spent a long time today talking with my friends and trying to figure out what triggered him in my behaviour, although I recognise this will always be biased because it's from my point of view. In short once again he interrupted our cuddle time, literally while we were together on the bed phoned his daughter on speaker and started spouting about his ex wife. I've asked him so many times to just stop bringing her up, he doesn't need to, and its him not his daughter. I went off downstairs and he followed me, on speaker. I waited for him to finish the call, told him that I found it really disrespectful. He said sorry, but honestly sorry just isn't what I want to hear at this point because that's what he always says, but I actually just want him to stop doing it because it is so boring (I even call it the Hailey show because I feel like she basically lives rent free in my house). I don't mind in passing but he talks about her more than our baby. I then just told him to give me some space because he kept trying to pull my face around. I'm honestly beyond angry I was just resigned. Then he said he was done, packed his bags and left.

And tbh, @Fatgalslim, I think one day shouldn't be enough to end a relationship in any case, but especially not while I am pregnant and clearly have more hormones than usual. I didn't shout, didn't say anything nasty (at least that I perceive to be). I don't really see how it is relevant either because at the end of the day I'm still suddenly a single mum and I'm struggling with how to move forward with that.

For context as well I've cut him slack previously because he has severe PTSD from his time in the army. I understand that I accepted this when I chose to be in a relationship with him and keep and unexpected baby, but I also have my own stuff going on and its my first pregnancy and I'm nervous about it. I feel like he doesn't even care the baby is high risk because of my blood pressure. He's sent me so many messages today of how upset he is, but he hasn't actually even apologised for just running away rather than explaining his issues to me like a normal person. He said all those nasty things over text later as well not even in the heat of the moment, which makes it worse :(

He has also just said that he is 'all over the place' and needs to sort his head out...I'm not replying because I need calm, but maybe he just isn't ready to deal with me and baby. Either way I just need to try and make a plan. Thanks to other posters too about getting job and entitlement etc.. Filling in applications today...

He kept trying to pull your face round.

That is abuse. I'm so sorry but I think you will better off without him.

Many abusive men start physically abusing their partners during pregnancy.

You will get through this op. Keep talking to your friends and accept their support.

@habi009 My dd's ex did much the same when she was six months pregnant (she only found out at 26 weeks) They were together three years planning a life and a family together and he upped and left. (she later found out his ex wife had his baby that month) and now he's currently engaged to someone else.
Dgs is coming up for three, the ex has never seen him, he threatened suicide when dd went to CMS for maintenance and sends an abusive text each time the amount he has to pay rises. Dd ignores him.
She had her own home and decent career so they have continued as Granny I have stepped in to support her and dgs wants for nothing, he is happy and loved.

It has been hard work for dd but it sounds like your parents will be supportive so you won't be alone. Don't forget how your ex has behaved, he has shown you who he is and don't be tempted to take him back because you worry about doing it alone as that will be easier than doing it with a man who behaves as he has. Good luck

Thanks everybody for giving me time today, it has really helped to have an outlet today. It's rough but I'm feeling okayish now. I think I knew really in my heart of hearts that I am better off and baby is better off if I do it without him, because at least then things will be calm and we'll always know where we are at. Plus I don't want him to break baby's heart like he has mine by running off when he can't cope!