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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

sexual incompatability?

23 replies

hb22 · 18/03/2022 05:57

Hi guys, i really need help and advice. I've been dating my partner for about a year, he is younger, less experienced than me and from a more traditional culture. At first things were fine in the bedroom but he seems less and less interested. He also is not up for experimenting or discssuing thing like I am. I feel like I always am the one initiating thngs and when he rejects me I feel awful. We keep having arguments about it and he says I am obsessed and need help. I think we have different sex drives but when i try to talk about it, it seems to make the issue bigger and then we have even less sex as it becomes a barrier between us. He says I treat him differently and don't respect him unless we have sex. I am really struggling to know if we can get over this issue or if we're just incompatable. PLEASE HELP.

OP posts:

Waterfordaston · 18/03/2022 06:02

Is there something in his culture about how women are meant to behave? TBH if this is tricky now then it’s not going to get better.

Holothane · 18/03/2022 06:04

To be honest get rid this will only get worse he’s either gay or just not that bothered. If he’s like this now imagine five years down the line lucky if have sex 10 times a year (and yes I’m speaking from experience here) 10 years on I’m at the stage I’m not interested he’s never been bothered, luckily health reasons have shut it down completely now. But consider this do you want this for the rest of your life. Hugs

cigarettesNalcohol · 18/03/2022 06:06

He's not interested in having sex with you. Move on. My ex never wanted sex and the countless rejections were very hurtful and my self esteem was in pieces by the end of the relationship. He would always promise to 'make an effort next time'. Broken promises. Resent. Rejection. It's not going to get better if you can't even talk to him about it. It's hard to hear but he most likely doesn't desire you. You should put your efforts into finding someone who thinks the world of you.

On the flip side, it must awful for the one not wanting sex and feeling constantly pestered for it.

Unfortunatevents · 18/03/2022 06:06

This isn’t going to work. You have been dating for only a year, if it is like this now things will likely get worse. If he’s not willing to communicate with you about it he’s not willing to face it. Living with physical rejection is souls destroying and can eat away at you and your self esteem. Comparability is important. I’m presuming you don’t have children in which case honour your needs and move on, you’ll be glad you did.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 18/03/2022 06:20

Surely the only thing to do is end it??

collieresponder88 · 18/03/2022 06:37

I can't see how this can work if you want a decent sex life

girlmom21 · 18/03/2022 06:39

You have a higher sex drive than him and rather than discuss it like an adult he puts you down. Bin him off.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 18/03/2022 06:43

I think it depends once a week vs. 2- 3 times is something you can compromise on. 3 times a days vs. once a month not so much. But you are not a freak as with so many things there is a very wide range of normal.

HollowTalk · 18/03/2022 06:51

This will only get worse. I think he doesn't respect you because you do have sex with them and because you actually initiate it and seem to like it. That is very worrying.

CheshireSplat · 18/03/2022 06:51

I've always had a stronger sex drive than DH and it has been frustrating at times but everything else about our relationship is great, so I've compromised. However, he would never have said I needed help. Respect is crucial in a long term relationship. So the communication and attitudes may be a bigger deal than mismatched sex drives.

If there is an issue this big after one year, I'd sack it off. Divisions grow and when your relationship is 15 years old, you're tired because of children, the house is a tip, life feels a bit humdrum, that's when you need your DP to be the source of support and fun, not another issue.

What is stopping you breaking up with him? What do you like about him?

Original poster

hb22 · 18/03/2022 07:11

Aw thanks so much for all the advice and thoughts. I think his culture does play a part, it's not an open culture when it comes to sex and expressing ones desires. (masturbation etc is wrong) He is a very loyal, kind, decent loving person and we generally get on really well and easily in other ways. I am really hoping/wondering if i can compromise or if we can improve our communication on this issue. But I agree, it's not good that he makes me feel weird for simply having a higher sex drive. Your messages really make me feel less alone and down on myself so i really appreciate u replying.x

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 18/03/2022 07:13

Don't underestimate how important culture is to both sides. I know you say he's a nice guy but he's been brought up so completely differently to you and he is judging you already. I think your future would be very bleak with him.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 18/03/2022 07:21

@HollowTalk

I’d agree with this, I work with a lot of people from different cultures/ background and their outlook is very different to someone from the UK,

You are probably making him feel quite uncomfortable with sexual discussions

Original poster

hb22 · 18/03/2022 07:24

Yes i agree, i think i am making him feel uncomfortable and embarassed and maybe even unsatisfactory or less of a man. But I was brought up trying to discuss issues to resolve them. I see communication as the only way forward. If I get nowhere, it will likely end soon.

OP posts:

lemongreentea · 18/03/2022 07:29

which culture are you from? which culture is he from?

whichever they are you dont seem compatible so the logical thing would be to end it and meet someone from your own/similiar culture.

Branleuse · 18/03/2022 07:34

Get rid. It will only get less fun

Original poster

hb22 · 18/03/2022 11:13

I am British, he is East African. I might have to face facts, but when you feel you love someone and pictured things working out, it's hard to accept when things take a downward turn. I want to be sure before I walk away. :-( Thanks for all your thoughts guys! x

OP posts:

lemongreentea · 21/03/2022 08:48

walk away now before you feel more attached. You are not happy with certain aspects of the relationship so why stay? unless you expect him to change which he doesnt seem to want to do.

you can meet someone from a similiar background who you will have more in common with. good luck

Sassbott · 21/03/2022 09:01

Depends entirely on how important sex and the physical side is to you personally. Personally? My view is that out of all our relationships in the world (family/ friends/ colleagues etc), your partner is the only one (assuming not poly etc) with whom you have close physical intimacy. So for me? That part working and being able to communicate needs/ desires/ experiment etc is super important. Also not being told that you are ‘obsessed and need help’ is a huge red flag for me.

If you cannot talk / communicate openly about physical needs with your partner then what’s the point?

Having sexual needs/ desires/ wanting to communicate and have fun is entirely natural. There is nothing wrong about any of it. The only problem is if you’re both misaligned in this area.

Sorry but I would walk away from this. Having such significant problems in this area this early on would be an issue for me. As would be his complete inability to communicate with you healthily and respectfully about something important to you.

A respectful partner doesn’t just shut their partner down and tell them they need help. An abusive/ defensive one does. It’s not ok.

HellToTheNope · 21/03/2022 09:05

You need to end this relationship, right now. It is doomed to fail. You are simply not compatible with this man.

Crazykatie · 21/03/2022 09:06

In many cultures women are expected to be submissive and obedient that causes a lot of problem for migrants living in western societies.
Having travelled to quite a few African countries it is very different, indeed the society is often matriarchal, men having little influence on family life and often absent and not contributing. They may be very macho but have little influence, the women have no choice but to tolerate it and get on with everyday life.
Because there is usually no benefit system this means if the mother or her family can’t grow food they don’t eat, particularly in rural areas

neverhappyitseems2345 · 21/03/2022 09:33

Sexual incompatibility never ends well in my experience x

homeedregret · 21/03/2022 09:40

@Crazykatie, bit of a reach there. This is about sex, not sending money back to his mum.
OP, is it wrong for him culturally to be having sex (outside of marriage?) If so he might have a lot of guilt about doing the deed and this affects his performance. Regardless, it doesn't seem as if you are not compatible.

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