Struggling to let go

[Rose20374]

I had a short relationship last year which ended because it was quite full on and I felt it would cross the line to being unhealthy. It was almost a year ago, but I still don’t feel totally over it, which i can’t quite understand as I’ve had long term relationships which I’ve felt ‘over’ within a few months.

Does anyone have any advice on how to totally get over him? I still have some feelings and I’m trying to be rational about it but I can’t help but feel like if I still have feelings towards him it must somehow mean something.

It sounds cheesy but I haven’t felt the way I felt towards him. I’ve debated reaching out and being honest about my feelings, as at the moment I have that niggling urge to speak to him, which I’ve been ignoring for a year . But time doesn’t seem to be making much difference.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar position and what you did - I’ve done all the right things, kept an active social life, made progress in my career, improved my health, but I still feel the same way!

Thanks in advance

My gut instinct would be to tell you to leave well alone and do all the things you have been doing.

And I think that's the right thing to do but it's clearly not worked/working for you.

In which case, I might consider a message telling him how I felt but with no expectation or requirement on him to respond. Not a "would be lovely to hear from you," or even a rhetorical "how are you?"

Nothing too long. Nothing overly gushing.

But ONLY if doing so would provide you with some sort of closure and allow you to draw a line under it. And NOT if it is going to have you checking your inbox to see if he's replied.

But I'm saying that with extreme caution. I ended a friendship a few years ago (with good reason) but she had been a very good friend to me prior to not being and had supported me through a particularly difficult time. It played on my mind that I had never told her just how much of a support she was and how much I'd valued having her in my life for the time that she was. I emailed her expressing this but making sure I didn't leave any expectation of a response. She didn't reply and I'm glad she didn't, as I wouldn't want to rekindle the friendship, but I'm also glad I sent it.

Thanks for the reply @GreyCarpet, I will definitely still carry on doing the same stuff regardless, just quite distracting having that urge to reach out in the back of my mind. I can totally understand why you’d email your old friend to feel like you haven’t left anything unsaid - I am tempted to do the same, but I want to make sure I’m in the right mindset first, and that I’m not going to be upset if I don’t hear back. I want to make sure I have 0 expectations of a reconciliation first!

I have recently had a similar situation although it’s only been a couple of months.

I got in touch a couple of weeks ago after several weeks no contact because I felt I wanted closure.

He responded in just about a perfect a way as I could have wanted - other than saying that actually he had changed completely and was no longer emotionally unavailable and why don’t we try again 😉 - but even so, it stirred up a lot of difficult feelings of longing and upset and definitely set me back.

In a way I don’t regret it as we had left things after a difficult and slightly jarring final phone call, and I feel as though we have a mutually respectful end and an open door to future possible friendship. BUT it definitely unsettled me and set me back in the short term. I’m going back to NC because I recognise I still have feelings for him and I need to process it all.

I can sympathise, but have no words of wisdom, I’m afraid. I wish I could delete ‘his’ file in my head 🤔. Oddly, we were not compatible long term, I saw traits that were certainly not attractive or appealing or decent, even, and I knew I wouldn’t ever be in love with him. Yet still I think about him far too frequently. Maybe these short intense things are actually some form of unhealthy codependency. I think I felt there was great possibility and potential, before reality hit. Maybe you’re more disappointed about that?