The 15 year itch

[Vbaby86]

Feeling so torn right now.
I have spent the last 18 months feeling so alone with regards to parenting, looking after my family and my home. I have always felt like everything fell on my shoulders. All the decisions and all the plans, and everything I tried seemed to fall on deaf ears.

Its finally come to a head over the past few weeks and I have been confident yet considered in raising my issues and have made it clear things must change.
Well the past few days dh has started to interact more with the kids, do a bit more housework etc.
And its lovely, but it also makes me realise that it's going to take so long for us to get to an even keal

My daughter needed a Dr's appointment this week, it's always me who books them, stays on hold for an hour and arranges it.
I'd commented that I don't have the time as the Dr's opens as I leave the house (he works from home). As usual he did nothing about it and I had to sort.
And then when they called this morning I was out at the car and he didn't try and talk to them and start things moving, he ushered me in because "it's better for me to do these things"
I am trying to be complimentary in his involvement in other areas, but there still seems such a long way to go.
And then I look at the ways he is trying and think why the hell has it taken him so long to react, was I not worth putting the effort in as my mental health has taken a huge nose dive because of it all over the past 6 months.

I am arranging counselling for myself and hope he might go for couples counselling, but again it became more of a "if you think it will work, I guess I'll go"

Maybe you’re me, OP. Right down to the 15 years thing, too.
It is just so wearing to be the boss (and indeed the PA) of everyone and everything in the family unit. I also have a job that requires all this attention to detail and I am getting ridiculously exhausted.
Like you we also have miles and miles to go, but in our case this inequality is actually causing a marriage breakdown. Maybe a permanent one.
Your doctors appointment example resonates. Mine is the kids’ clothes and shoes. DH would happily allow them to walk around in uniform that is about two sizes too small if I wasn’t around to organise getting the next size up/sorting through stuff that we have etc. Irony is that - like you - I leave the house first and so he sees a lot more of them in their uniforms and school shoes than I do!

He still isn't really trying is he? You don't need to be complementary when he does the ordinary common or garden things every adult should do. He isn't a child learning to tidy up after himself. It isn't an achievement when he does a tiny bit of pulling his weight. By complementing him you're reinforcing his idea that he's doing you a favour and it's something special when he does his bit.

Do you think he realises how deeply unsexy it is when a grown adult can't think for themself or pull their weight at home?

Is he a mysognestic dinosaur, a lazy oaf or just ridiculously incompetent? Which does he think he is?

@likeafishneedsabike it sounds so similar. I arrange for the kids clothes too, he usually just makes a comment that something seems to small and does nothing about to.
I'm worried it's leading to a marriage breakdown hence why I am trying to look to make changes for myself with counselling and see what I can fix in my outlook and behaviour without just assuming it's all on him.

@layladomino I think he is really lazy if I'm honest. I think his mum did everything when he was younger and he's grown up not understanding that life has changed, it wasn't right then, but now people won't accept it.
We've had previous issues where I have been made to feel unworthy and then to be left doing everything is annoying.
I think I am too critical so am trying to positively reinforce him helping.
No, that shouldn't be how it is, he should be able to be an adult of his own accord, but he has shown that he can't so I don't know how to encourage him to do better.

No, that shouldn't be how it is, he should be able to be an adult of his own accord, but he has shown that he can't so I don't know how to encourage him to do better

He can though. If you weren’t there would he actually not be capable of taking care of his kids’ clothes or docs appointments?? He’s a grown man he is completely capable. They put it on us because they can. I’ve been with my DH 15 years and had a similar kind of breakdown (actually started to not find him attractive any more) when our first child was born. I just couldn’t do everything any more.

He did change and we parent far more evenly now but I still have moments of being so angry about the unfair assumption that certain things are just my job because I’m a woman and the mother in our house. I basically just stopped doing things that I’d somehow unwillingly been assigned to do. When his parents didn’t get birthday cards or gifts I think he realised. I was totally unapologetic and unmoving.

What we as women need to realise is that these men treating us like this aren’t seeing us as equal human beings. The shit they consider themselves too important to do they lumber us with until we reach a point of nervous breakdown.

Get angry. Maybe it will rattle him in to changing. If you separate at least you wouldn’t have to look after him any more. I’m sorry if this seems harsh I just think you deserve to be valued more x

I don't think it's actually realistic to expect him suddenly to go and buy kids clothes etc if that's normally your job.

You just need the jobs to be divided better between you.

DH does all the cooking so I don't mind otherwise being chief organizer.

Can you train the dc at the same time dh is learning how to parent? Tell them to ask their df(hungry, thirsty, hair brush, homework etc)
Stick with it. If you do split up, dh would have to be a parent for days/weeks at a time in holidays. You will be more relaxed knowing he is managing their needs competantly.
When you feel that urge to be critical, bite your lip and walk away. Think of it as making a training video for modeling good behaviour to your dc.

@hazandduck good to hear that things did make a little improvement, I guess that is what I hope for.
Today he took us all for a suprise afternoon tea. Which was lovely and considerate and he'd chosen somewhere with toys for the kids, but when I found we going somewhere it was me who got all the bits ready etc and it doesn't make up for the 2 years I've had although I was very appreciative of the gesture.
@2catsandhappy I do often ask the kids to ask him, but the relationship his has with our 2 year old is stratched at times (will happily play with him now, but isn't keen on hugging or kissing daddy and will almost always choose mummy for everything)
I like the reminder that I should also be modelling good behaviour and not criticising so that's definitely something to try and stick to when I am frustrated.

@aria999 I think that's what I struggle with as I know that there is still such a huge way to go even though he is making the right steps forward.
Just wish he'd tried years ago and we'd already be in a more shared parenting space.