Anxious attachment

[ribenajuice]

Hi all,

I just wanted some reassurance that I’m not completely mad!

I’m with my boyfriend and he’s extremely nice and supportive. We don’t live together. I’ve realised from some research that I have a very anxious attachment style.
Some things I don’t do are I never question where my boyfriend is or what he’s doing. I don’t bombard him with texts or calls.
It’s more the feeling inside of me.

For example we both have a fairly long drive to work, and sometimes we spend it on the phone to each other. And sometimes we don’t. I mentioned once that I felt like he didn’t enjoy it anymore and he said that sometimes he just likes to relax and listen to music too, and that’s ok, and that it doesn’t change his love for me. Now, my rational brain knows this, but my irrational brain feels sad about it and I feel a bit lost when we don’t.

I’m also someone who’s really good at multitasking and when I’m sat watching tv or something, I can also be texting. My phone will be on loud, I’ll reply, then put it back down. He’s the type to relax, leave his phone in another room for a while, or watch a tv show to relax. Sometimes I feel like I wanna text him and I worry that he doesn’t want to do that. Again I know what he’s doing is perfectly fine but irrational me worries!

I spent a lot of time at work fretting over it rather than just getting on with my work. I work a lot on my own and from my own timetable which I don’t think helps the pattern of over thinking. He works in an office so obviously his time on his phone is limited. It’s hard as I don’t want his life to revolve around me, yet it makes me so anxious!

Ive spoke about this to him (I tend to just work through the feelings most of the time) and he said that I should be secure in the love he has for me and, just because we’re not actively talking in that moment, it doesn’t mean any feelings has changed. Which makes perfect sense but I’m someone who worries that it means he’s gone off me! He also said it’s important for us to have our own hobbies and time alone which I completely get but yeah.
I’ll add that he’s completely lovely and understanding when saying all this, and is never nasty or makes me feel bad.

I’m currently awaiting therapy for my attachment style but in the meantime I wondered if anyone had any tips or tricks? I’ve tried the basics such as mindfulness and distracting myself, doing my own hobbies but as I mentioned, I find it hard to switch off.

Thanks!!

Bump

Do you think it would help if, when you realise you're worrying about these things, you do something more productive that will bring value to your relationship together, or to his life? Off the top of my head, I'm thinking researching a place you can go together - you could plan something, or book something you both like?

It's a technique I used when procrastinating during my dissertation. I would make myself 'just research this one thing' for a little while, then before you know it you're doing something productive, at least for a while.

I’ve been in your situation, I suffer really badly with anxiety and over think every situation. I seem to expect the worst so I’m prepared for it.
You’re doing the right thing in talking to him about it and by getting support.
I’ve been on medication and been speaking to a therapist. They suggested keeping a daily diary. Something to keep with me at all times and write in when I’m feeling lost, anxious or overwhelmed. Writing the feelings down was to help face them and to try get them out of my head. I would then write down things j could do to ease the feeling so in your case- wanting to text boyfriend then you could write down that you’ll give him a few hours space and text him at a certain time etc

Speak to your boyfriend again, be honest with what you are going through. Explain you’re not expecting him to drop everything and speak to you all the time but you jusg wanted to let him know what can be going through your head. The therapist told me dh that he needed to be firm with me so If I asked for reassurance then my dh would provide it. If I continued to ask within a short time frame then my dh had to firmly remind me that it was in my head, that it was all okay and that I needed to stop. It felt like a shock at first and I did find it upsetting but honestly as time passed it helped me to realise that my brain was going into overdrive and it needed to stop.

I’ve stopped medication now, I’ve stopped therapy and still use a whole load of their breathing strategies to help calm me down. There’s good days and bad days but I feel stronger for being honest with myself and my family.
You spend a great deal of time on your own.
That was my problem and k was told to try find a hobby that kept me busy and away from my phone.
I started going on long walks with my dogs and drawing. I do this daily now. When I feel the need to talk to someone whilst walking then k have a set group of people who I will try.
If the first one doesn’t answer then I understand they are busy and listen to music because I know at some point they will reply.
You should try find a hobby to keep you busy, it doesn’t need to be starting something new or going to a club.
Jusg something to help you feel more relaxed!

Why don't you try putting your phone in the kitchen on silent and watching TV, but really watch the programme, engage in it.

Then whilst making a tea between episodes you could check your phone but try not to. Any messages will still be there to be answered.

Driving to work, could you listen to radio4 other people talking, or get an audio book?

And believe what your boyfriend says, you are expecting a level of communication that is smothering. He sounds lovely to reassure you and meet you more than half way.

Would you find someone attractive if they constantly worried you had gone off them?

If I told you some of the nonsense my Mr has done, honestly you would be a puddle, but hey he's fucking lucky to have me, and he knows it. So there we are. (It includes losing his wedding ring a couple of times..........idiot)

The thing that sorted out my problems with my anxious attachment style was to find a compatible partner, rather than continue with relationships that triggered me.

This is the same as realising that there's nothing wrong with me, I don't have 'issues' that screw up relationships, I'm allowed to need what I need without it being seen (by me or anyone else) as 'needy', I'm allowed to say what I want and what I'd like, or if I'd like things to be different from how they are, and I need to be with someone who is willing to accommodate me as I am, without me feeling like I need some external help to be a better me.

This is the same as a secure attachment style. Basically, I'm not changing myself for someone else. If the relationship doesn't make me feel good, and talking to my partner about it doesn't provide me with the reassurance I need, I'm off.

The level of attention you need is the level of attention you need. There's no 'correct' level for this. You're not 'smothering'. You have your own level of need, just like I do, just like frozendaisy does. Quite why @frozendaisy thinks they know the rules about how much attention you're supposed to want is beyond me, but anyway.

Essentially, if a relationship has you churning over stuff, stressing and worrying, it's not the relationship for you. You can't change how you feel. If we could do that, we'd all choose to love work and the gym, and hate chocolate and wine, right? Don't change your feelings, change your people to cater to them.

You need to change your way of thinking as in its a privilege for him to have you in his life,.put more value on you. He sounds a really decent guy, allow him his space, doesn't mean his feelings are any less for you, and just try and lighten up, it's a beautiful time falling in love with someone, honour it, treasure it, don't t let your insecurities spoil it, work on your self esteem and self worth, be confident he's there for you, as you are for him, don't t allow your irrational fears to spoil it.

You sound a lovely person by the way so remember he is lucky to have you in his life too.

I spent so much time worrying and reading about attachment styles while I was dating at the start of last year - I'd hate that feeling of checking my phone and wondering why they hadn't messaged / had they ghosted / had they gone off me / was I being too full on?! It really stressed me out. Then I met my current boyfriend and it all slots into place. I think it's about finding someone that matches your style. My boyfriend is also anxious attachment so we text quite a bit, call quite a bit - for some it would be too full on...but for us it's perfect. X

'just try and lighten up'

@neverhappyitseems2345

Same here! Wonderful to meet someone and not feel you're 'doing it wrong', isn't it!

@watchkeys yes it really is! When I feel anxious about anything, I tell him and he reassures me...vice versa. It's been a year now & its felt so easy x

But the OP has said the level of attention she would like is every commute whilst driving and constantly throughout the working day even if it would be frowned upon at his place of work.

That is quite a lot.

OP has said she worries if he isn't actively talking to her, on the way to work, at work, all evening. This is smothering for anyone. If nothing else you run out of things to say.

Or dump him as suggested and find someone who needs the same level of reassurance as you.

It's not 'smothering for anyone'. You might find it smothering, @frozendaisy, but this isn't about you. Many couples thrive on constant attention. Some thrive on being together constantly, even.

OP, if anyone makes you feel your behaviour or needs are 'smothering', just keep away from them. You'll be a lot happier. Learn to meet your own needs first, then if you want a relationship, find someone who meets them, too. That's the recipe for romantic happiness: find someone who meets your needs.

It doesn’t sound as if you and he are right for each other if the relationship is causing you this level of anxiety - you’re fundamentally incompatible because of your very different needs from a relationship. Might be kindest to both of you for you to cut your losses and look for a relationship that doesn’t make you feel like this!

The OP asked for ideas and frozendaisy gave some. Not sure why it is bring suggested they are dictating anything. The op's partner does not have the same need for contact and unless the op wants to end the relationship, they do need ideas of how to adapt. Some people may well find constant reassurance appealing but for those who don't it is quite unattractive and I think the partner is doing well to be as patient as he is.

The thing is though, it’s not a healthy expectation for a relationship. Even if I did meet someone who wanted to talk 24/7 as well, it doesn’t make it a healthy place for me or them to be in?
I don’t want to be like this in a relationship even if someone told me it was ok.

I’m with someone who does make me feel wanted and I do feel like a priority in their life. We see each other quite a lot and do text each other a fair amount, we always have, and we’re both happy with it. It’s natural. My anxiety has gotten worse in the past few months due to other factors so I think it’s just heightened it.
Also a lot of other websites say I need someone who has a secure attachment style?

Coming from someone who uses their phone WAY too much, I think it’s healthy that he chooses to spend time away from his phone, which is absolutely nothing personal to you.

I agree. My partner makes me feel wanted and talks to me a lot because he wants to. For me to want him to talk to me 24/7 isn’t a healthy boundary and even if I found someone that complied with this, it wouldn’t be healthy at all.
My partner is fully understanding and I do feel like I need to change my way of thinking rather than find someone new.

That’s not to say I don’t appreciate your inputs though!