New relationship after split from abusive ex 9 months ago

[Kaylasmum49]

Hi, I split with my abusive ex of 20 years 9 months ago. For the last 2 months I have been talking to someone I met on a dating app. We get on really well and have met a couple of times. He understands that my ex put me through a tough time and we have agreed to take things slowly.

My main issue is my 15 year old ds who is waiting on his diagnosis of autism and has very severe anxiety. I’m not sure that he will be able to accept me getting into a relationship and feel that I should maybe just stop talking to this guy if it’s too much for my ds to accept.

Anyone been in this situation before and can offer any advice?

I would suggest you take it very very slowly with the new partner. Dont start introducing them to your son as it isnt required at such an early stage. (I would have advised being single for a while following an 20yr abusive relationship, as you and your son need to recover from that, but hey ho)

Thanks for the reply

We are definitely taking it slowly. We just get on really well and can talk for hours which is lovely. I have 5 kids aged 37 down to 15 and they always come first. I spend all my spare time with my ds and very rarely do anything for myself. Maybe I should just end things with the guy, maybe it is too soon

Kaylasmum49 sounds like its been nice for you to meet someone who treats you well. Enjoy but look after yourself.

Thank you, it has been nice. I only joined the dating site as my ex was talking to a woman and even though he was abusive to me I felt quite upset and hurt that he had moved on. I only joined it for a distraction, not thinking I would come across anyone that I would like.

Really don’t know what to do for the best.

When you say he knows about your ex putting you through a tough time... do you mean you've told him about the abuse? Because that's a big risk. It's never advisable to mention past abuse to anyone early on. As it can act like a green light to people who are looking for someone to abuse (which of course you may not be able to spot at just a few months in).

Have you done much in the ways of learning how to spot abusers? Personally I do think 9 months is too soon. Even if you've spent all of that learning how to spot abuse and done the freedom programme and shoring up your boundaries. After 20 years in an abusive relationship, I would think it wise to take at least 2 single. And to spend all of that time reading and learning and getting therapy to address any personal issues such as codependency, which may be a factor.

It's so common for people to go from one abusive relationship to another because its all they know. And of course, they always seem so different from the last one...in the beginning.

And taking it slow is good advice but...if your boundaries are not where where should be, it can be easier said than done.