Is this normal behaviour from a mother? *Content warning: concerns childhood abuse

[Anonin40s]

When I was a kid - about 4yo - I went to the loo for a pee. I screamed when I peed, as it burnt and my mother immediately came running in and scooped me up so my genitals were at her face level (my grandmother was holding my upper body up). My mum was wiping me. I never explained what happened to her, it was like she knew exactly what was wrong with me. I've never had this sensation since caring for my own body, and I can't relate to what might have happened or caused this. Why did my mum know as soon as i screamed?

When I was between 6-8 years old, my mum decided to tell me about menstruation. She took me into bed with her and told me about what happens. I don't remember much of her explanation, but I remember her 'affectionately' patting my vulva through my clothes, while we were in bed, whilst explaining menstruation to me.

In adulthood, my mother has pulled my bikini top off me in a playful way whilst sunbathing. I was not appreciative of this, but I was left with nowhere to challenge her because she became furious at the sight of my pierced nipple (I was maybe 19).

And to my shame, as a heavily-pregnant grown ass adult at 30, my mother insisted on giving me a relaxing massage. I started with some clothes off, but she eventually encouraged me to take everything off, including my knickers. I lay there wondering why I was completely naked, being massaged by my mother, when my genitals had absolutely nothing to do with anything.

I rarely talk to her now. I wouldn't let this happen now (I'm in my 40s). But I have noticed she does not honour my children's privacy when they use use shower at her house. It's only in recent months have I started to question how normal any of these incidents are. And only in recent months I've began to notice it in the context of other ways she violates boundaries.

Am I being crazy to even give these memories another thought? I couldn't imagine touching my children in these ways, or violating their boundaries by ripping their clothes off - even if it was 'just' 'playful'.

This is probably incoherent, which I apologise for. I've been quite upset for a number of hours, going over things in my mind.

@Anonin40s

My dad is her enabler. My brother is a senior mental health nurse.

My mum has warned me to never come between her and my dad. I get the impression my brother thinks our childhoods were amazing, that my mother is an angel.

I feel like if I tell them, I will be villainised and disbelieved, or made to feel like I'm making things bigger than they are.

I'm estranged from my husband (their dad). He was abusive in our relationship.

I was ostracised because of the partner I chose.

I sound like an utter victim and I hate this.

I do need to keep the kids away from my mother. I want her to know why, I want my brother and my dad to know why. I have no support in challenging my mother.

I don't know how to do this.

You don’t sound like a victim. You sound like a very insightful, clear-eyed survivor who is somehow much healthier than your family of origin.

I know when they close ranks and paint you as the problem, that feels awful, it’s meant to feel awful, but that doesn’t make them right. You know what you know.

@Babadook76 that’s really much too harsh.

OP has been gaslit her whole life and now she’s working through the realisations. She needs support.