Confused

[daffodilsunlocked]

I really need some advice and clarity I guess?

I had been in an on-off relationship with my recent ex-DP for 3 years now but recently ended things for good - no going back.

Since day 1, there were many red flags (I believe) that unfortunately I did not acknowledge.

He would get drunk (regularly) and then send me verbally abusive text messages. When sober, he would then apologise and tell me it was "just the drink" and that he didn't think these things of me, blah blah.

Bit of a backstory, he hasn't worked for a long time, 18 yrs older than me, and gets pretty jealous of my success and financial status (not rich by any means but work hard to buy nice things for me and my 3 x DC).

I guess it's only now that things have ended for good, I'm wondering if I may have been victim/subject to abuse in some way. Some of the text messages are below...

"Things must change fatty, you will pay"
"You don't bother with me sexually, those stockings may as well be in the fucking bin"
"We're finished, I will never be with you again fatty"
"Ha ha you're fat and stumpy and the gym won't help that"

These are a small few of many

I had 2 x Xmas works parties back in 2021, each one I was just getting messages telling me I was probably "all over other men in my slag-dress"! He would get a sulk on when I would not meet him at the pub when he wanted me to, when I would not give him lifts (I drive, he doesn't), he calls me materialistic and tight when I've refused to lend him money...

This list is pretty endless

I have been made to feel sorry for him and therefore guilty over the years as he is on his own, family not really about and he was really good with my DC which he would thrown back at me all the time.

I consider myself pretty wise yet my head is completely battered now in wondering whether this has in fact been a form of abuse, or whether these have just been daft, drunken messages and I may just be being a little sensitive?

Run. Don't look back. ASAP.

It certainly is abuse. He was working away at eroding your self-confidence and trying to control you.

I am so glad you are done with this loser for good.

Of course it's abuse. Would you send those messages to someone you purported to like, let alone love?

He's an abuser plain and simple. When he drinks, his mask slips.

Are you insecure about your body? I notice his disgusting messages often revolve around body-shaming you. Abusers tend to go for what they know is your biggest insecurity. Please be assured that normal men will find you attractive no matter what your size. You don't have to hang around with a shitty man because you think nobody else will want you. (I speak from experience.)

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation to be honest I couldn't win! I worked hard and got back to my usual body size of a 10, at which point he would call me a "bone", "stick insect" and "anorexic" yet I piled on some weight during lockdowns and am now a size 16 He is aware of my past EDs also

Turn your face to the future. Looking back like this merely extends the misery into the future rather than leaving it where it belongs - firmly in the past.

Thing is, I done something really bad in November and he's not long found out - I shagged one of his friends (well, not a good friend as such, more of just a guy he knows from the pub and would sit with occasionally).

He has told me I have destroyed him and that things will "now become unpleasant..."

I have had to contact the Police again as he is extremely unpredictable, volatile and always declares he "has nothing to lose"

and I may just be being a little sensitive

The thing is, with a compatible partner, you can be a sensitive as you want to; you don't have to amend anything about yourself at all, not your weight, not your attitude, nothing.

Stay away from anybody who makes you feel that your feelings are not ok for you to have. All feelings are acceptable, and nobody gets to tell you which ones are ok and which aren't.