Help! Advice definitely needed

[Luckylis32]

So I’ve been talking to someone for just under 5 months however we haven’t been talking all that time I’d say more on and off however they seem over intense constantly trying to force me to meet them to date them we met on a app I’ve come from a long term abusive relationship ( it hasn’t been long 6 months) which they know so when someone gets too intense I back off however this doesn’t stop them.

We’ve started talking again recently and we did agree to meet Friday for a coffee I only agreed to this because I was being asked multiple times a day and being told if I said no I wasn’t ready they said I was “hurting them and they weren’t speaking to no one else and I wasn’t being fair” so I agreed however after having a long talk with friends I’ve decided mental health wise I shouldn’t be dating and I need to deal with the issues I went through in a previous relationship and I shouldn’t be dating no one at the moment and should concentrate on myself I told this person what I was going through and they flipped saying we’ve been talking 5 months “why haven’t I said anything, I really thought things could be good with us and that it feels like a kick in the teeth and that I had made them cry twice and that I should be speaking to them and not my friends about it” ☹️

They’ve also already mentioned already about me moving in with them and having a baby with them 😥 it all sounds lovely but in all honesty very fast especially for me

At this point I’m not even sure if it’s me that’s the problem I’m now apologising and thinking should I just go on the date just to make them happy I feel awful if I have made them cry as I’m honestly not a awful person but this has made me feel worse and made my anxiety worse I’m also repeatedly apologising to this person now and trying to make them feel better I don’t want them to feel like I’ve strung them along it’s more of a realisation that I need a strip back and to deal with my mental health before I start fresh again any advice?

Hi op. Do not meet him. You aren't ready to date and even if you were, you should only meet someone if you want to meet them. You don't owe someone a date. And steer clear of love bombing- this guy is love bombing you before he has even met you.

Delete and block. Xx our friends are right, listen to them.

This doesn't sound lovely, it sounds creepy and coercive. He's trying to control you and you haven't even met him. Block him and get counselling to work on your mental health, boundaries and self-worth. You owe him nothing. And don't get sucked into justifying your decision. Your job is to look after yourself. It sounds as if you would be moving from one abusive relationship (good on you for getting out of the last one) to another.

This doesn't sound good. For your own sake, block and delete this person. Definitely don't meet them. Your friends are right.

For starters you are nowhere near ready to date! You need to do a lot of work on yourself first and heal from the previous abusive relationship

For another this guy is manipulative, too intense, love bombing and future faking crap all over the place!

Throw him back

There is NOTHING wrong with being single either I've been single 20 years and it suits me just fine.

I'm not saying you have to be single that long but I would recommend at least a year or two while having therapy to get yourself back on an even keel

"They’ve also already mentioned already about me moving in with them and having a baby with them 😥 it all sounds lovely but in all honesty very fast especially for me"

WTAF???? Ermmm just NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...... you just dodged a bullet OP.

You do not owe this person anything. It is not your job to make them happy. You do not need to give any excuses or justification. You do not need to meet them for coffee.

This is someone you haven't met yet and already they are trying to control and manipulate you. If they cared about you they would respect you boundaries. Red flags with this one, move on.

Are you thinking of having counselling? It might help with working through stuff. Also there are courses you can go on about recognising the signs of abusers. It might help you feel more secure when dating in the future.

OP, as you have been in a previously abusive relationship you may find doing this course helpful, it is often recommended on Mumsnet.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

You have good friends. Block this bloke. You owe him absolutely nothing and he's clearly a wrong'un

Delete and block.

Listen to your friends.

This person has major red flags. Plus, I'd warn you not to tell people of your abusive relationship, some may see this as a chance to do the same.

You don't owe this stranger anything at all, just block them and take time for yourself.

@autienotnaughty

Are you thinking of having counselling? It might help with working through stuff. Also there are courses you can go on about recognising the signs of abusers. It might help you feel more secure when dating in the future.

I am going to have counselling to be honest I don’t realise how bad my mental health was until recently I’ve started having bad panic attacks and becoming anxious over small things I know this is all because of a bad relationship

@FavouritePi

This person has major red flags. Plus, I'd warn you not to tell people of your abusive relationship, some may see this as a chance to do the same.

You don't owe this stranger anything at all, just block them and take time for yourself.

Thankyou I honestly didn’t think about that at all I thought I was just being open about why I wanted to take things slow but I will definitely beat in mind for the future

[quote PrincessFluffyPants]OP, as you have been in a previously abusive relationship you may find doing this course helpful, it is often recommended on Mumsnet.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php[/quote]
Thankyou so much I’m on a night shift at the moment but I am going to look at this later x

@Graphista

For starters you are nowhere near ready to date! You need to do a lot of work on yourself first and heal from the previous abusive relationship

For another this guy is manipulative, too intense, love bombing and future faking crap all over the place!

Throw him back

There is NOTHING wrong with being single either I've been single 20 years and it suits me just fine.

I'm not saying you have to be single that long but I would recommend at least a year or two while having therapy to get yourself back on an even keel

I’m going to keep this in mind at the moment I’m just enjoying my own company I think I went into a bit of a panic when I ended my last relationship as it was very controlling I feel like I just need to learn to be me again and do things my way

Lady, grow a back bone!
You’ve known him 5 months, you don’t even really know him at all or in the slightest!! Why on earth do you think a total stranger and his wants and needs come above yourself??

Block and delete, that’s not you being mean or evil, that’s you being good and kind to yourself like you should do.

Block and delete and don’t even give it another thought.

Oh dear, this is really not the way that relationships are formed, it's all kinds of wrong. Talking for 5 months to anyone is obsessive to a ridiculous degree.
Your friends are right, talk for a few weeks max, if not confident about meeting, let it go, stop talking as one or both of you are not ready to date.
Also, you are not responsible for his emotions, he's a stranger. Never spill from the off about a past abusive relationship to anyone, because it attracts abusive men, which is why he's pressuring you. Any normal male would certainly have given up talking to you after a few weeks without meeting if distance is not a barrier.

Please don't feel bad about making him "cry". I assure you, his tears are of the crocodile variety.

Some good advice on this thread. Please do check out the Freedom Programme, it helped me tremendously. And indeed, refrain from opening up about your abusive past with new partners. I made this mistake myself when I was dating again, because I figured relationships are all about being open and honest. But this is something you have every right to keep to yourself, for your own safety. You do not need to open up as explanation for wanting to take things slow- you don't need to provide ANY reason for wanting to take things slow other than that it's simply what you want. If any man pressures you for a reason and doesn't just accept it, he's probably bad news. If you're into podcasts I'd recommend Female Dating Strategy, they have some great advice.

One of the most valuable things I've learned since leaving abuse, is learning to trust my intuition again. I get the impression from your post that you got a bad feeling about this guy, but felt that you owed him a date (you never owe any man anything). Listen to what your gut is telling you over what they're telling you. Don't listen to the voice asking you "but what if I'm wrong?", start asking yourself "what if I'm right?"

Well done for getting out of your previous abusive relationship, that takes a lot of strength. Focus on yourself now, build yourself up, learn about boundaries. It sounds like you have good friends around you.