Help,... How do I know if I love DH?

[jolofee]

I'm so confused. A friend of mine recently split with their wife and the reasons for this caused me to assess how I felt myself in my own relationship.
It has made me question if i really love DH. I don't dislike him, and actually quite enjoy his company, but I don't think I am in love with him. We have a DS & DD, the eldest is 5. Maybe we have just got too tied up in them and lost the point of US.
Last week we were at breaking point since I told him I was so unsure if I loved him and had agreed maybe one of us should move out. Now I think maybe we should try everything including relate. I think my main confusion is whether I think the grass in greener, could I be happier with someone else, and am I to be happy enough with my DH feeling like a comfy pair of slippers. The passion went quite a long time ago which doesn't massively bother me but I do sometimes wonder whether its because I am not 100% happy....... I do know that I would be deeply unhappy on my own. Its whether DH is the right someone, or just happens to be a someone (am I making any sense?!)

not really you sound like your in a teen magazine actually. love is less about hearts and flowers and more about consideration and thoughtfullness.

today my dh made me and only me ( whilst he cooked everyone else sommat different) a chip gravy muffin. a delicacy here down south as no one eats chips and gravy

i thought that was incredibly lovely of him to think that i would adore that.

i do think you should be 100% gol to relate etc. taking one version back and replacing him with another just to see how it tastes when the first one is perfectly ok sounds extrmely selfish when yo have children.

I don't think the grass is greener on the other side. What I do think is when a couple have 2 young kids the passion fades because you are both so wrapped up in the kids.

Could you possibly arrange a babysitter and go for a nice meal somewhere - just you and DH?

There seems to be loads of threads similar to this lately.

I don't think anyone is really ever 100% happy and it's completely unrealistic to expect to be. Life is made up of all shades of grey, and feeling 100% happy only happens to us for a few special moments in our lives.

Expecting to be 100% happy is a sure-fire way to make sure you're not, because you're going to be constantly disappointed by everyone and everything.

It sounds to me like you are yearning after some unattainable Hollywood relationship - you are never going to have passion and hearts and flowers for 40 years. If you do meet someone else there may be chemistry and mad passionate sex for a few years, but at the end of the day you will be back to companionship and affection.

I am not a fan of people staying together at all costs "for the sake of the children" and enduring hellish marriages just because they feel they ought, but it doesn't seem like you have any major gripes with your relationship...? Unless there's something you're not posting?

If you lack romance in your relationship then how about trying to get it back rather than throwing the whole thing away?

Thanks. We certainly are thoughtful for each other. he is a fantastic father and has always given me time off if I want to see my friends / have my hair done etc, he is certainly one of the best dads I know.
I read my own thread back and I know what you mean about being in a teenage magazine, maybe its a bit of a midlife crisis though I'm not far past 30!
I do know I care deeply for him and I don't want to mess him about. I've spent a lot of time thinking today and have come up with maybe us going out for a meal, or shopping and cooking a nice meal together, and maybe book us a weekend away without the kids too. Its just there is this underlying niggle that questions do I really love him. Maybe I am just being totally unrealistic about how I should feel day to day and need to kick myself back into reality.

Thanks youngvisitor - our threads crossed. No, there are no major gripes just niggles.
We have also talked so much over the last few weeks, more than ever before which can only be good and help us to carry on with a better relationship.

i think that the way you feel now is an easy relationship trap to fall into and to some extent most people feel this way about their partners at some point. I myself have fallen into this pattern of thinking only to find the grass aint greener and you soon end up back in the same 'rut'. No matter who you are with there will be times when you think you are bored and you don't know if you still love them - that's just life i reckon.

try seriously imagining how you would feel if he told you he wanted to leave you and had found someone else - probably gutted? that should confirm to you that you still love him..

i think any marriage has ups and downs and you do question whether you're really good for each other. that's what makes your relationship stronger.

if you put in the effort to do things that your dh really likes and he does similar, you will find a greater depth of feeling. you have to work at relationships, they don't just happen. and this it exactly the time to work on yours

I'm with Custy on this one.

adult love is more than romance and flowers.

At a push, with enough time it is even more than pashion and sex.

Love for me and dh is knowing that at the end of the day I want to talk over what has happened with him. that we look at our children together and see the amazing people we have created.

in the end, he is my best and finest friend. and if that isn't enough for you, you need to grow up a little.. and when you do you will see that all the passion in the world isn't the same as a solid love and respect than has grown over the years.

I'm going to lose my greatest love. Make sure you don't do the same by mistake.

This thread struck a real cord with me as well; in fact made me cry a little bit. With little ones it seems normal that much of your time and energy is devoted to them, and this naturally reduces the time you can spend with your partner.

What gets me through is thi: My dh is a wonderful man. To outsiders we may have a boring marriage but even though the passion isn't always sizzling we work to the same goals. Prior to meeting dh I went out with some real...(well let's just say I had several very unhealthy relationships).

When we bicker and it all seems a bit boring I remember the bad times (i.e. before I met dh). Focus on what you have and when you have chance have a night out or an early night in.

I spent a lot of time worrying away at this question with a previous partner. We didn't have kids together, so that wasn't a consideration, but I went through the whole 'how do I know if I really love him/if he's the one' thing, over and over and over. I looked at our friends and thought 'well, we're not as in love as they are/we don't do that/they look like they're having more fun than we are'

Do you know what? It killed the relationship stone dead. I spent so much time worrying about whether or not I was happy that I forgot to just be happy.

In the end, I began to tell myself that if I needed to spend so much time thinking about whether I was happy, that must mean that I wasn't. After all, it was no longer always heart-racing, knee-trembling stuff, he irritated me a bit sometimes, now and again I saw other men I fancied more, etc, etc, etc...

So I left him - and I promise I am not exaggerating when I say that I have regretted it every single day since. And this was years ago.

I'm not saying don't examine things, don't think about things, just carry on as you are. But please, please don't do what I did, and give up on a lovely man and a good relationship because it's not a passion-fest 24/7 (or even at all!)

Hope this doesn't sound patronising as it's really not meant to be - just wanted to say, been there, done that, still wearing the t-shirt...

Wow thanks guys. Some of those messages mean alot and its good to hear that actually other people have had the same thoughts. The reasons you give for not actually giving it up are the reasons why I haven't as yet. We had a good day today and talked lots about putting more effort in, and committing to making some small changes. Things aren't going to radically change with little ones around but like you say, I need to appreciate what I've got. I think I think too much!!

I have felt like this many times too, but thought of them as 'bad patches' rather than 'the end'.

Jolofee I have a lovely friend/colleague who is just 60 and celebrates her 40th wedding anniversary next year. She is a very wise lady almost like an honorary aunt to me. On occasion she dispenses words of wisdom and freely admits that she and her dh have had bad patches - they had 5 children in total plus did fostering, so I think she knows a bit about stress. The way she explains it (and it helps me immensely)is basically that you do have to work at it. Sometimes it's fantastic, a lot of the time it is very mundane, occasionally it's horrible.

I truly think it is much the same for most of us really.
That's why imo it is good to chat to others like this. I know some mners are (or claim to be) swinging off the chandeliers every night, but for a lot of us we have less exotic lives. Washing machines have to be emptied, toilets cleaned etc etc!

Thanks onepiece and all, and thank your friend for the advice too! I'll keep you updated with our progress! I ordered some books of the internet last night also with suggestions for helping keeping things going (I do like to research a topic or two!)