Using his shoulder to block me /barge me

[MegMogandOg]

My husband will use his shoulder to block me or to barge me aside during an argument. He’s 6 ft 2. Is this ever ok! He also gets so angry he spits all over my face shouting.

Neither of you is prioritising the children if they are party to these kinds of situations. Ensure that they are no longer witnessing abuse by not being in the company of anyone who might call you names or you might call names.

It's your responsibility as a parent to keep your children from harm and to demonstrate to them how to avoid/leave harmful situations. You are doing neither.

It's your responsibility to yourself to keep yourself away from people who make you feel shit. You are not doing this.

Take charge here: this is your life and your children's life we're talking about. You can decide whether those lives are calm and peaceful, or volatile and scary. What do you choose?

Please talk to Women's aid.

You are staying with an abusive man because you need help with children with SN's.

Tell them the truth.

He was shouldering me out of the way and then I called him a ‘worm’ for that and he started shouting in my face covering it in spittle shouting that I was a cunt.

A loving father wouldn't do this to the mother of their child.

Let alone do it while the child is in the house. Let alone while the child is in the next room.

Your children are growing up in an abusive home. The fact they have additional needs doesn't change that. Yes, it means splitting will be tougher and you will need extra help. No, it doesn't mean that staying in a relationship with this man is ok.

He is NOT a lovely or loving father.

He is not a loving father.

It’s best you acknowledge and accept that, because it will strengthen your resolve to do right by your children.

Your children are not living in a safe and loving home. They are experiencing harm. As are you.

Take concrete steps to change it. I know it’s horrendous and frightening. Wishing you strength.

@MegMogandOg

My children have special needs and I separated from him and then let him return because after 3 years and managing lockdowns alone I couldn’t take any more and my son kept crying for his father. He is actually a lovely father to the children so it’s really hard. Also I own the family home and he has little resources to provide a suitable place for them to visit and Joni won’t consider a visitation centre as they couldn’t cope with it . Because of my kids needs which makes it very hard in some situations a divorce is going to be a nightmare for tje Both practically, psychologically and in terms of their safety as they really need two people at least all the time. This is why I let him come back . Of course I regret it now. He didn’t shove me so much as keep blocking me and pushing me with his shoulder.

So many people here telling you that he’s not a loving father but you don’t want to listen. And the irony of you saying that you stay with him “for their safety”. Sorry to be blunt but I don’t know what you want from this thread.

a bit outing 🤷🏽‍♀️ but no not ok at all- STBXH shut me outside, blocked me in doorways, picked me up against my will, and he and my parents still thought it wasn't bad. I put it all in the divorce petition and I'm slowly getting there

No, he's NOT a 'lovely father'. Lovely fathers are not violent.

He needs to leave. If you choose to allow him to visit the children in your home so be it but if you do you are willingly exposing yourself to his violent behaviour. But I'm sure there are alternatives, such as a relative's or friend's house, a public place like a park (at least in good weather). Where I live some churches allow 'limited time' supervised contact in the church hall (for a fee and subject to the church's conditions).

You say they 'couldn't cope' with a contact centre but have you spoken to them? They must handle contact arrangements for special needs children and I can't believe they wouldn't have 'quiet spaces' if that's what's needed.

Perhaps you should contact Social Services and see what, if any, recommendations they have.

No this is not normal. Don't accept this please, not for you or your child. You have done it once, you can do it again

You are in a much better position than many other abused women. Kick him out. Contact is his issue to solve, not yours!

Don’t be discouraged, and don’t focus too much on the ‘failure’ or regret of taking him back.

As pp said, you have done it before so you know you can do it again.

Absolutely not ok. Get out.

He is actually a lovely father to the children so it’s really hard

Being a lovely father to his children neither cancels out his disrespectful abusive behaviour towards you, nor gives a man carte blanche to treat his partner negatively.

You need to look into all avenues regarding help you can access for you and children. There is help out there.

It won't be 'lovely' for your children in terms of the relationship you and your partner are modelling to them. Its toxic and will likely impact upon their own future relationships/lead to unhappy relationships.

Anyone who thinks my choice has been about “ lifestyle” has no idea what having two young children with autism at home is like in terms of parental demand and exhaustion. My children love him , he is kind, playful and gentle with them- doting. Of course what you say is right but it is not black and while so that has been very intense conflict for me.

You call him a worm, he calls you a cunt

You get angry at him, he shoulder barges you.

It sounds like the whole relationship is pretty awful.

Yes spotcheck but it’s not all
Like that obviously. I am
Not a stupid person and I am not on here in order to be shamed about my poor relationship. I want advice from people who understand Firsthand how difficult these things can be and how to handle them. I don’t need to be shamed for having a poor relationship or for still being involved in it. I called him a worm because he was physically barging me with his shoulder - perhaps I should have take that better!?

He is not a lovely father if he treats this mother of his dc like that.

Get rid of him. You've done it before, you can do it again.

I want advice from people who understand Firsthand how difficult these things can be and how to handle them.

And the way you're being advised to handle it is to leave him. I really don't mean to shame you, I completely understand how difficult these situations are, but what kind of advice were you expecting? That perhaps we'd have tips on how you could pacify him? That never works.

You came here asking if this behaviour is ever okay, and we're telling you no, it isn't.

When I was with my abusive ex, for a long time I genuinely didn't believe leaving him was an option. It was only when I finally got away I realised how easy it would have been all along. It doesn't feel like an option when you're in it, for any woman, that's what makes leaving an abusive partner one of the most difficult things in the world.

But you can do this, and there are people who can support you.

Please consider speaking to women's aid. You're not necessarily committing to leaving him by talking to them, and they won't force you to do anything you don't want to do, nor will they judge or shame you if you decide not to leave. I just really think it would help to talk to someone who's more qualified to help you.

I want advice from people who understand Firsthand how difficult these things can be and how to handle them.

And that's exactly what you've had.

People telling you from first hand experience that it's necessary to end the relationship in order for your child not to grow up in an abusive home witnessing an abusive relationship.

Last year you split up, partly because he was sexting other women, and he did things like holding the door open to intimidate you when you asked him to leave each time, calling you a ‘dumb cunt’, demanding to know if you’d shaved your pubic hair, pushed you backwards with his hand on your throat (men who do this are statistically 6-7 times more likely to murder their partner). This is not a relationship that should have started up again and it is one you need to end.

Saying that is not shaming you, saying that is trying to protect you. And your children.

@FrancescaContini

No, he isn’t a “loving father” at all. He’s very nasty, very abusive and he needs to get out of your home, away from you and your baby.

but men don't get away from the baby when separated, they pursue for contact in the court and get it, then they have your child unsupervised and are able to use that child against you either emotionally or physically. It's not as simple as just leaving the man.

That is the thing he would use them emotionally. You’ve gotten minuteslynn everything you say is true except the sexting which he didn’t actually do - only messages to me. The reason I took him back was that I couldn’t get any peace from him anyway because he was constantly messaging me and telling me what a mess he was etc and I had to see him because of the children and my son was crying for him and my other child was literally not sleeping at night and my other child very challenging and h and he was not able to manage them single-handedly for any outings etc and was living in a tiny flat so it was all such a mess and I just wanted to make it easier on everyone. My son on particular loves his dad so much and we are very Oates and a family with no other family support and no friends we are with any regularity. What he does after these incidents is then act like a victim if I withdraw from him , tell me how it’s all because of my unreasonable behaviour and he’s had not enough, go cold on me because “ You’ve shut down on me so I am
Protecting myself” etc then usually I have no up having sex with him so we can have some peace and then at some point it will
All start again. I’m not staying with him because I’m afraid to leave him - also I would have to kick him out as it’s my house . I’m staying with him because I’m terrified for how my children will manage and be affected by a divorce and going to stay all with him. It’s more complex than I can really explain in terms of behaviours which are very difficult to manage in the circumstances he would have . They are the ones who would suffer.

OP
My intention was not to shame you. I think the examples you give are not ones that paint your relationship in a good light. That isn't judgement, that's an observation.

And yes, I do understand what it's like to be in a dysfunctional relationship, and have children, and feel stuck.
The short answer to your question is no, of course it isn't right.
If you want a more full answer, this is it: get counseling. Work out what you deserve, and the life you want for yourself. One day, when you've reached your absolute limit, you will leave.

This all sounds terrible, all of it. You are living with an abuser and your children are learning how to live with an abuser. I don't say this to shame you as I can hear what a hard time you are having.
Phone women's aid and talk to them. You cannot see a way out because you are looking at all the problems lumped together as one big mountain. You need help to get through them one at a time until you are on the other side. You are strong, you can do this.

He's physically, verbally, and sexually coercive (his stropping around manipulates you into sex.)

Please separate from him.

coercive + abusive