They never admit abuse

[Vasana]

I'm very suicidal. My partner doesn't think he is abusive in the slightest. In fact he thinks I'm the abusive one. He claims to be unhappy which is why he is likes to talk to women on dating sites, because he didn't know who else to turn to. What is weird is that he talks about me to these women on the dating sites and refers to me as the "suicidal depressive" (I found the messages last weekend).

I'm starting to feel like I need to be admitted into a psych hospital, because his perception of events is very different to mine. He claims that he has struggled to deal with my depression hence why he has gone on dating sites, but I've mainly been suicidally depressed because I feel traumatised due to events in my relationship and prior events. I am chronically lonely, and isolated and he doesn't seem to have a lot of empathy for me.

As an example, I've just recently gone through a breast cancer scare. Last week I had surgery to remove the lump and get a conclusive diagnosis, I'm still awaiting my final results. My mental health is shocking and so I took myself to the spare room and isolated myself all weekend.. turns out he was "glad for the freedom lol" this was what he said in a text to a woman he is speaking to on a dating site (which I found yesterday). I find it bizarre that women are happy to talk to men in relationships on POF. Apparently this one is a nurse, and based on what he has told her, she thinks I'm a narcissist.

He treats me like he is a victim of me, and that he has suffered as a result of my behaviour. But my behaviour which is at times shouty and hysterical, but mainly sad has only ever been as a result of his treatment of me. But he never realises this. To think I've just had surgery to remove a lump and he was laughing at me with this woman on a dating site. But apparently, I'm the narcissist. I don't understand.

Please don't say leave. Yes this is something I absolutely need to do. But it isn't as simple as that right now. My mental and physical health is very poor at the moment, and I'm completely traumatised. Don't know the reason for this post but needed to write this down. Please be gentle with me, I'm very fragile after finding out what he was texting women while I was in the spare room and worrying about cancer all weekend. He is barely apologetic. In fact he comes across slightly justified in his behaviour towards me. It's like I'm not allowed any feelings.

I hope you get unanimous agreement on a miraculous cure for your mh issues. He needs gone from your life. It is that simple.. I really hope you don't have dc with him op.

Noone goes on dating sites because they're depressed.

He's a bull shitting gas lighter.

He sounds very disrespectful, cruel actually.

Could you live with family etc?

I think a great way of spotting a narcissist is that they will hold up a mirror and tell you that YOU are all the things they are. You are a narcissist, you are the one who is a sociopath, you are manipulative, you are rude, you are a bad friend, you have mental health issues. You are the one who is draining.

They drive you slowly insane, dragging down your self-esteem and making you question everything you knew to be true about yourself and your worth. And it's exhausting, mentally, physically and right down in whatever soul you believe in.

And it's not you - it's THEM. They attack you with their nastiness, and then attack you again saying it's you being the aggressor.

I had one in my life (a friend rather than a romantic partner) and the only thing you can do is walk away. You cannot reason with their level of batshittery. It's off the scale and you'll have your words twisted until you are the unreasonable one. Draw a line under this, walk away, don't look back, and never try to understand them. Any attempt to talk will be twisted against you.

You need to leave. You need the clear headspace to find yourself and this will be near-impossible while you stay in this situation. I know you asked for us not to say LTB, and it is entirely up to you what you do, and the time you do it in. But I cannot see how him behaving like this will do anything other than wear you down further and I believe you are worth more than this.

Well obviously he’s an absolute arse.

What do you need to do to be able to leave?

Please tell somebody that you are feeling suicidal

Agree with PP: he's gaslighting you; turning everything you say around to make you the scapegoat, because he's enjoying inflicting pain on you and won't admit he's doing anything wrong.

I think you need to stop shouting, becoming hysterical, or expect any sympathy from him because you're not going to get it. He clearly doesn't like or respect you enough, despite you going through mh and medical problems.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic; I really feel for you and have gone through something similar with my OH some years ago and his lack of compassion for me when we went through a tough time really shocked me, until I realised not to expect any. I think he was going through a midlife crisis and would argue black is white, rather than take any responsibility for his behaviour (dating sites, lads holiday and night's out; all highly unusual for him), but gradually over time he did realise he was wrong and eventually apologised to me.

I think your OH has crossed a line and you need to take steps to separate when you feel strong enough. Start making your plans and don't give him any ammunition to belittle you.

I think you would find a sharp improvement in your mental health if you removed yourself from this relationship.

This man is absolutely disgusting. Do you have any friends or family you could talk to or visit for a few days?

He treats me like he is a victim of me, and that he has suffered as a result of my behaviour. yeah that’s what they do the fucking shitheads. That’s what makes you crazy. I’ve been there too. Hope you get out soon.

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

I hope you get unanimous agreement on a miraculous cure for your mh issues. He needs gone from your life. It is that simple.. I really hope you don't have dc with him op.

Couldn't agree more.

Someone I know was on anti drepressants and saw a therapist for a one off session because she thouhgt there was something wrong with her. Had a lightbulb moment when she realised that her husband was abusive, came off the anti depressants (not the right thing for everyone) and left him. That was almost 4 years ago now and hasn't had depression or the need for anti depressant medication since.

In my experience they don't admit that they are abusers. Their egos are too fragile to deal with that particular reality.

I would highly recommend getting help to leave and never looking back.

Just stop engaging with him and his behaviour you say your planning on leaving? Expedite this thought turn it into a reality because once he is gone a lot of your depression will follow i mean can you imagine living a life without him and his name calling negging dragging you down totally toxic behaviour FML seriously blaming you for him cheating what a TWAT and as for that so called nurse she is an idiot I wouldn't trust to flush my bedpan rule number one of medical care never trust third hand opinions of a stranger on the Internet

I'm afraid the only answer is to leave, for to tell him to leave. This is a toxic relationship that is making you ill. You know he is abusive, you don't need him to admit it to prove you right.

You just need to go, get help, get your life back.

Do you have family or friends nearby for a few nights?