Still hurt about being excluded from friendship group years later?

[pertina]

When I was at university, I had a group of six friends. We all lived together, partied together, chilled out all the time etc.

Sure, there were some I preferred over others. But we were one big group.

In the final year of university, one of the girls got a new boyfriend who I really really clashed with. As did others. He was a complete prick, and several other people have independently said the same. I remember him making one of the other girls cry. He was genuinely one of the nastiest people I have ever met. So I stood up to him.

Somehow all the hatred was then directed at me. And I found myself being excluded. We tried to make up, but I was never ever really included from thereon. The girl and the guy are now married.

Life goes on. I made new friends. I kept in touch with a few of them, and see them infrequently.

I recently saw a facebook photo of their reunion meal. After 6 years! I still felt a pang of hurt. Like I was 'wronged'.

I think you were wronged, and if it had been acknowledged somewhere along the line, you may be feeling slightly better about it. It's a weird group psychology thing. Perhaps people were reluctant to stick up for you in case they were bullied by the Nasty Partner? Doesn't excuse it, but might go some way towards explaining it. If it's any consolation, you were true to your feelings, while it looks like they are still tolerating and ignoring this bloke's bullying. It doesn't sound it will be a happy group, regardless of anything they might say. They must be denying and minimising. Well done for not being part of that

As SpongeBob said above - just because they look like they are having fun........
It is the unfairness that hurts probably - you had integrity and courage, the others were sheep and it looks like it has worked out for them. But it hasn't, really. You know they don't like him and it was probably an uncomfortable meal for some of them and they also have no backbone or loyalty.
Do you gain anything from keeping in contact with some of them? If you were to take away the past history/hurt you feel, do you actually, objectively like them or admire them?

Ah this is shit. Not surprised you got a pang of hurt seeing the photo.

She married him so her loyalty will be with him. Those who speak up often get shot down and blamed, despite only voicing what others were also thinking but not brave enough to say.

You did the right thing, I know who I'd prefer to be friends with!

Not surprising that you're hurt. It's funny how dynamics get skewed in groups sometimes. FB is a bugger for bringing up stuff that should be left in the past.

I'm still hurt 20 years on after a good friend dumped me after I had my ds and was very ill with PND. Literally dumped over night, 20 years on I still have no clue why. All I can think is that the fact I was ill scared her and she couldn't handle it, who knows?

I got dumped by a group of couples after my husband left me. Still pains from time to time. Try to avoid Facebook. Pity the woman who married that arsehole! Very unfair for them to dump you but their loss

i'm glad i'm not the only one to have been through this,

Thanks for your words. It cheered me up

Isn’t it shit when you’re that one that stands up for yourself and then you get treated as if you caused it all despite the fact that you were only reacting to someone else’s crappy behaviour. Everyone then focused on what you’ve done wrong, not what the instigator did.

Yeah you're so right, it is shit.

No one is perfect, and I would have been happy for example if somehow I had just misunderstood the nasty bf. But even years later when I bump into people who did the same uni course with us, people mention how horrible he was

They sound like arseholes. Lucky escape!

Break up of friendships can be so painful. I'd have felt really hurt too.

Look at it this way, they have had to remain in contact with this awful awful man and you didn’t. I’d take that as a win.