Was I expecting too much?

[FuckThatBullshit]

My parents tell me I'm looking for "something very rare" and I know deep down my Dad in particular wishes I'd have settled (I couldn't) with my last partner who was lovely but far, far too full on for me. If you asked them about their daughter's love life they'd face palm 🤦🏼‍♀️

For the record I'm not actually "looking" for anything anymore. I've retired from online dating because it's a depressing, soul destroying mountain of diarrhoea and I don't socialise much because in all honesty after being at work all week and exercising every evening I just can't be arsed. I've always really loved and needed a lot of my own company but since all the lockdowns I'm more introverted than ever before. I have friends but I live a bit further away from everyone else and probably only catch up with people in person every few months. I see my very few immediate family members regularly for a walk or a quick coffee but I probably spend 75% of my weekends alone and most of the time I absolutely bloody love it just pottering around and doing whatever I'm doing. I have a lovely house. I might binge on Osark for an afternoon or take myself off shopping somewhere. Sit in the garden with some wine and the radio. Whatever. Maybe it's because I'm an only child and I'm used to entertaining myself or something. So anyway... with the life I'm living and not really "grouping" or "getting myself out there" I've pretty much accepted I'll now remain single. I didn't want to be single, I'd absolutely love to fall in love again with the right person and make time for them but it just didn't happen for me and as much as this is all very much "Plan B" and I sometimes feel very sad about having no partner to look forward to seeing, to love and just generally have fun with and share in-jokes and interesting conversations with (I do worry about the future implications of this, wanting support for illness bereavement etc) I have become used to it and I can very much cope and depend on myself etc. I have loved before but the truth is I hardly ever fancy anyone anyway... I'm not gay. Dad has already asked!

But I guess I'm just wondering if what I was hoping for was too unrealistic anyway. I guess in a way I wanted the best of both worlds and somebody who was on the same level as me... I can commit but don't want to feel tied... I can make lots of time but I don't want to share every waking minute together. I can welcome someone into my home but I don't want to share finances with someone. Basically I wanted to have my own life without it being totally intertwined with someone else's. Regular contact but not in each others space constantly. I wanted to be able to do my own thing probably every second or third weekend without feeling guilty because my ideal partner would be a grown man who has his own shit going on anyway. Someone I can trust and not feel paranoid when he's off doing his golf weekend or whatever. I'm not saying I'd NEVER live with anyone, if I fell truly in love again maybe I'd eventually want to live together. But for the first few years at least I'd like to keep it like this. A valid, exclusive relationship based on love definitely NOT some friends with benefits bollocks. I think it keeps it fresh!

But in my experience it's always been one extreme or the other. They either don't give a shit and are completely untrustworthy or they are all over you like fucking chicken pox, smothering the shit out of you. Was I asking for too much?!

If it makes a difference I'm 37 and I don't want children.

I'll take that as a yes

I don't think you are expecting too much at all, because your list of 'wants' sounds practically identical to the relationship circumstances I have with my partner. It's not unrealistic with the right person who wants the same things, just unrealistic with the majority of people who either want to live together with their partner 24/7, or would rather do the no strings casual thing without any commitment whatsoever.

Funnily enough, neither myself nor my partner have ever had any desire to have children either, so perhaps that's the thing you need to be most strident about when looking for prospective partners. No interest in children removes much of the onus to cohabit, so by eliminating anyone with children, or any desire to have them, I think you'd automatically remove a high proportion of the people with other conflicting desires at a stroke.

you're not expecting too much OP you just havent found the right man who also wants these things.

Carry on as you are, and if the right person comes along, then they will. Che sera sera and all that.

My guess is that your parents keep going on about it because you're an only child, and they are hoping for the patter of little tiny grandkids one day.

I don't think you're expecting too much either.

You do sound very self aware and 'sorted' for want of a better phrase. You know who you are, what you want, what you would compromise on, who you are looking for.

I hope you find it. I like my own company as well, I'm totally happy alone. The difference I've found is that being in the same space as DH - reading, pottering round, but not doing anything 'together' feels as recharging and relaxing as being alone. So that's nice and I think when you find the right person hopefully that will be the same.

They're not bothered about Grandkids we're not a child friendly family to be honest, I'm the youngest! They just don't want me to be alone

I'm happy on my own - just as well as I was widowed at 47. So even finding your soul mate is no guarantee of anything.
Just carry on enjoying your life. If you want to meet some one you do have to get out there - he isn't going to drop out of the sky. I joined a dating agency (not online) and treated it like a friend who knew a lot of single people. You had to pay over £1000 to join which weeded out those just wanting to hook up. I had a good year of dating and my husband was lucky 13th - I was his lucky number 1! I was 39 when I met him.
It can still happen, but tell your parents you are happy on your own as you would be with some one.

@ukborn I'm sorry to hear that x

I don't think you were expecting too much. But I think what you want(ed?) is unusual, particularly for your age so it limits the pool of candidates. I wouldn't completely give up though - you could carry on with online dating (and perhaps adapt your profile so it's clear what you're looking for - agree completely that highlighting that you are interested in a committed long term relationship but NOT marriage and children) and then see what happens.

I also wonder if you might find in a few years that finding such a man might be easier just based on age. So right now the single men you might be attracted to are more likely to be actively looking for long term partners to have a family etc with OR perhaps they're more likely to be relatively young divorced, perhaps with youngish kids. But perhaps an older man who is established and happy by himself but would also like a partner would work - you're just possibly too young for such a man right now?

It's not quite the same but I was single throughout my 20s. I always suspected my problem was that 20-something men didn't appeal to me but I wasn't ready for an older man. Interestingly enough, when I was 29 I met now-DH who was mid 30s at the time and it all worked out well long term.

I would LOVE an older man. So many 30s even 40s men - especially on here - can't even wipe their own arse these days. Pathetic.

In their 20e and 30s people are falling over themselves to do the full ‘everything to each other’ stuff, but as I’ve got past that stage I find loads of people want what you have: freedom. It’s not a contradiction to have freedom while loving another person. So I would give it time OP, there a strong chance you will find each other eventually.

You want what you want. You can no more change that than you can change anything else you feel. You can't choose to like things you don't like, love things you don't love, enjoy things you don't enjoy. Imagine how different the world would be if we could choose our feelings. Everybody would love the gym and choose to hate chocolate, and everyone would pick someone who was a really good idea to have a relationship with. We'd all love the feeling of going without to save money; we'd all love choosing not to eat chocolate.

Essentially, trying to control your feelings is like trying to control the weather. We're nature, after all.

Find people who respect your feelings, and distance yourself from those who don't. That's really all any of us needs to know about relationships and boundaries. If anybody tells you your feelings are somehow wrong, what they're saying is 'they're wrong for my preferences', and that's fine. Everybody is entitled to their opinion. You don't have to stick around to listen, though.