Husbands and friendships

[KobaniDaughters]

Different to usual threads with this title - but my DH is just shit at making and keeping friends and every few years he has a total breakdown about it. He’s a great man, a bit introverted but has been working on that and while he hates small talk he can MAKE friends, but he is terrible at keeping or getting close to people because I think he just doesn’t put the effort in. He often doesn’t reply to texts, relies on the other person to make plans etc. I’m an extrovert and like people, like a lot, and like having a community. I know I am usually the person who puts the effort in to create an embryonic friendship and then keep it alive and that’s frustrating in a different way but I’ve accepted it and have a lot of close friends who I value highly.

I just don’t know how to help DH. If he wasn’t bothered and was happy with his main friends being “our” friends then it wouldn’t be an issue but he got really upset last night. I think it makes him very lonely. He doesn’t have anyone he can really talk to except for me.

We’re about to do a huge move and I am worried about him making new friends and keeping them. We’ve gone through phases where I’ve checked his messages to remind him to reply to someone which I know seems ridiculous but he has asked for this help - but I just can’t be in charge of his social life.

He works 100% remotely so when we move he won’t be able to make friends through work, his work is all encompassing so he doesn’t have many hobbies - though he likes tinkering on cars and going cycling and rock climbing.

Any genius thoughts or suggestions?!

Cycling club /rock climbing club that he attends religiously regardless of work commitments.

Reminders to him that he needs to invest in friendships /respond to messages etc for them to work.

Remind him every now and again of how he feels when he's having a bit of a breakdown about the situation.

Then, I think you just need to wait and see...

Many men are like this if this helps.

Thanks @ChickenStripper but I don’t think it does

He’s always been like this, I can’t see him changing his behaviour even though it clearly upsets him

Blimey, I thought you were describing me and my dh then!! The only difference is that my dh isn't upset about it. He occasionally makes comments about no-one noticing his birthday (just immediate family) and we sometimes talk about the fact that I have lots of good friends because I maintain the relationship and he doesn't do that. In the end he always concludes that though he might like a few friends he isn't prepared to do what it takes to have that, it's not just laziness his personality does not lend itself to it at all. We have male mutual friends who are not like this, are super sociable and have mates all over the place! My dh is never going to be that guy.
I suspect your dh is weird the same way, but his upset about it is so sad. Could he do some counselling to unpack it all so he can get to the point where he can either identify the effort required and deep down decide its worth it or accept it isn't?
I honestly don't think there is anything wise. He either needs to change his approachor accept himself, and this going round in circles isn't helping, I don't think you can do that without some deep self examination though.

Wired the same way - not weird!

Oh I def think it stems from the fact his family moved every 3-4 years during childhood and he was badly bullied all through secondary school 😔

Maybe rather than trying to change he would be better trying to accept that that's how he is and that's ok. Perhaps he feels a lot of pressure because you are so sociable and he feels there's something wrong with him for not being like that? Perhaps it's more about accepting himself?

That's really sad that he is still suffering the consequences of other people's cruelty.
I really think counselling might be the way to go then, maybe it's not his character, maybe he would invest in relationships if he didn't fear rejection? Perhaps that explains his distress? My dh not being distressed might be because that's IS Who he is, but perhaps not so for your dh.
Would be do counselling do you think?

I used to be introverted and had to train myself to be more sociable. Maybe having some rules might help. A few of mine are:

• Respond to emails/messages within a week.
• Send birthday cards or messages for close friends.
• Christmas cards or messages.

So contact is maintained. He also needs to find the right friends, people who are willing to keep in touch too.

Thankyou so much for the kind and considered responses, it makes me really sad to see him so sad and he does have other stresses at the moment which isn't helping (though I do think having a few good friends he could talk to about things would help massively)

@Gowithme I think those are really good points. He definitely doesn't resent me my sociability and sometimes I have the opposite problem, I really struggle when I don't get proper time with friends and he's very encouraging and makes sure I take care to do that. But I'll try broaching it with him as looking at it from an opposing view and it's not about changing himself but being ok with himself, what is it that he seeks from friendships and therefore what would be his way of getting that.

@TopCatsTopHat he is very pro therapy, I think for a lot of reasons he could do with a therapist, maybe it's something we need to prioritise once we know exactly where we're moving to or finding him someone online to talk to.

@Lonoxo that's all really interesting and useful, I'll see if he thinks coming up a game plan is something that would work for him

it's also just funny because my family also moved every 3 years throughout my childhood (both us stabilised at aged 13) but I think it has made me the opposite, adaptable and eager to seek out a community. But at the same time my parents remain together and his split when he was 13 (the same time he was being bullied) so I'm sure there's a huge fear of rejection. I try to remind him that he does put the effort into relationships that are important to him - otherwise we wouldn't have got past the first date and here we are 17 years later! But then I worry he ONLY puts the effort into me

I also think that the structure of a club to attend would really help maintain friendships. It also takes the pressure off - people have different strengths and personalities and you can enjoy club members for something you like about them without expecting them to be best mates at every moment.

There's a reason that so many men have friendships through clubs and societies.

I sound a bit like your husband. My partner passed away very recently and that's been the kick up my arse to spend more energy on my friendships. I know that's not a viable suggestion for him, but I think if he knew that by not making the effort in to friendships how vulnerable it can leave you, maybe he'd have more inputus to respond to messages etc. I do think it's an art form and some people are just naturals (making and keeping friends) but like anything with practice it improves.

I wonder if something like men's sheds would be helpful for him to settle into new area. As pp was saying clubs are great for company without pressure, men's sheds are specifically for men to be able to support each other while doing stuff so it's a safe emotional space.
Might not be his thing but perhaps worth a look
menssheds.org.uk/

I think I’ve come across that before @TopCatsTopHat

And clubs is a great idea. Once we know where we’ll be moving to I think finding a cycling or climbing or car club he can join would be great. The only slight problem could be that he will be working NYC time so his evenings will be full, but if we can find a morning thing then he’d be able to stick to it