Living in a lonely marriage - Am I being unreasonable?

[October03]

Am I being unreasonable?

I have been with my husband since I was 17 (which is nearly 19 years ago now 😬) we have 3 children, a house and both work full-time (he does do more hours than me at work as I am lucky enough to have a job that I can do both at work and at home and is mainly term time only so means that I can be there 100% for the kids too).

So this year my husband started to feel trapped in his life, with the everyday, work eat, sleep repeat. He has been doing karate for around 2 years and was going around twice a week. Since January he has felt trapped and our marriage has gone through a very difficult time. He wanted to goto karate 4 times a week and the gym 3 times a week, started to go out almost every weekend with his friends and bought another motorbike to go out on in his free time. It felt like maybe what a midlife crisis might be like.

I've always tried to support my husband where I can, I take the kids to school, pick them up, do the homework, housework, cooking and anything else because he has always been a bit in need to not feel constantly tied down, where as I like routine and am a bit of an introvert. I am now struggling to get on board with everything he wants to do, I am happy to support him with karate and rhe gym as he has a full contact fighting event coming up and I know this means a lot to him and is a life goal that I want to encourage him with but he is also wanting to go out more than usual, he wants to go on trips and vacations too (most without me because of my work and financial restrictions we don't share money but that's a whole different kettle of fish). I am trying to comprise and thought if I support him to go on a motorbike trip here in the UK with his brother for a few days then that might fulfil that need to get away and have time but in a way that I'm comfortable with but he doesn't want to stop there, he wants a holiday abroad, where he can lounge around a pool and drink and chill. I get that but I am tired of being lonely and feel that this one is too much for me.

Just another little back story, I find it more difficult to support the trip abroad than I used to, (he has been to Spain without me and the kids and toured Europe on a motorbike) but just over 3 years ago he had an affair and I just don't feel ready to support this yet. I'm worried I will never be able to offer that level of support again and I just feel lonely a lot of the time.

Sorry for the huge post, just wanted to put some context to my question of am I being unreasonable, thanks to anyone that answers.

Wow sorry to say but your marriage seems all about him and what he wants
Sure I get that we compromise in relationships but if he is doing 6 activities a week and your having the kids then what activities are you doing where he watches the kids
What holidays do you take with the girls
And he had an affair
This would be totally unworkable for me as he sounds like a man child
There’s no way I could support that level of pure selfishness . He’d be better off at home with mum and dad to cook his meals whilst he went out each night and a at one his holidays . He could also have whatever ‘affairs he wanted ‘
What does he actually do to contribute to the raising if the kids and your relationship
Sounds a lot like he wants to live the single life
So I’ll ask - what are YOU getting out if the relationships that you wouldn’t get by being single ?

Also you mention he’s in need of not feeling tied down so you do all that stuff
So why is he married and does he assume you are in need and wants to feel constantly tied down ?

Sounds like he doesn’t want to be married to me.

Wow! I cannot believe what you are putting up with. He wants a single life it is so obvious

He wants, he wants, he wants...

What do YOU want?

Wow OP. He needs to step up both as a partner and parent. It is obviously time for a serious chat to highlight and sort out the inbalance of responsibilities in this relationship. I am left wondering what exactly he brings to it. It all seems very unfair on you. What would he say if you took up an equally consuming hobby/sport and asked for time away abroad? All too often men expect women to shoulder the lion share of child rearing as well as running household and working FT. Then add injury to insult by having affairs. Please speak to this man child as this is no life for you.

Just remember supporting our partner should be who our supporting them in having an equal relationship , supporting them through job loss , family loss or health issues , not ‘supporting’ then in behaving like a single person and taking advantage of us

Please do yourself a massive favour and dump him as he is sooo selfish and just thinking of himself. You will be less lonely without him. He is having a laugh, thinking he can swan off every night doing his thing while you do everything at home. Now he wants to go on vacations without you. Also he had an affair, are you sure he is not having another one and using the excuse of the gym. Please get legal advise first thing tomorrow and ask him to leave, have his bag packed and tell him there you go have all the free time you want. So sorry you are going through this and you are in no way unreasonable. A marriage is meant to be that you enjoy things together also and both help out and share responsibilities. He is horrible and please put yourself first for once. Vile man.

No YANBU… how much more accommodating are you expected to be. This guy has the life of Reilly and by the sounds of it you’re worked to the bone! What about what you want OP

Your husband is still having affairs, and doing so right under your nose. I'm sorry, op, but wake up. Your marriage is a farce, your husband is shit, and you're just sitting there like a lemon.

Fuck him and fuck his "midlife crisis." He's a cheating, selfish dick. That's the crisis. Get your shit together immediately, get a solicitor, and get rid of this dickhead.

Wow. Its like you just told my story. Except it was 10 years and not 19. He was always frustrated like ‘whatre we doing with our lives’. Wanted to travel more. Voluntarily asked to be assigned stuff from work that will let him travel. And mostly lovedddd traveling alone. The times he did travel with me and the kids he hated it.

Turns out on his latest conference trip, he took his ex from 12 years ago with him who he had been talking to for a good year or even longer….and they spent 4 days and 3 nights together.

About to tell him i want a divorce.

Guess this midlife crisis crap is real.

Btw if your husband had an affair…how did you forgive him? Did he sleep with her?

I'm so sorry but your post screams "affair" to me.

In fact it's almost identical to what happened to my friend from the cries of feeling "trapped" in the marriage right down to the martial arts/gym hobby increasing and then buying a flashy sports car.

You will probably feel like you need proof in order to leave him but if it were me I'd just start quietly making plans to divorce him.
Do not leave the family home. Go and see a good family lawyer.

Do you remember the Beautiful South song "a little time"? Listen to it.

And the fact you are even asking "AIBU?" OP tells me you need to massively work on your self-esteem. Is therapy an option?

There's support and there is taking the piss out of someone.

Screams of affair I'm afraid. Was he acting this way during the previous affair?

A man I knew did that - going away on holiday without his dw. Eventually it turned out that he was gay and going abroad to find young men.