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[notenoughchocolate]

AIBU to expect my DP to apologise after this (if not at least acknowledge it happened?).

He woke DS (15months) at 12.30 last night when he got back from pub, being noisy on the way to the loo. To my horror he went in to DS (I'd have tip-toed away and left DS to settle for a few minutes and only gone in if he really persisted, as is the norm). But DP picked him up, chatted loudly to him, put him back down, contiued being noisy and disturbing him by loud antics in the bathroom and came back down stairs. I asked DP to shut the stair door and asked him (admittedly rather grumpily) what he thought he'd acheived by this as DS is now wide awake crying and will take much longer to settle had he just left him alone in the first place.

To this he swore loudly at me (a round of fu*ks) at my tone of voice, all in earshot of DS. I asked him to be quiet so that DS could settle. I went to have a cigarette (pls don't judge me on this, I never smoke in front of DS) planning to take some honey & lemon to DS myself if he was still crying in a few minutes. I could hear that all went quiet.

When I came back in I was stunned to find DP downstairs with DS on his lap in front of the telly. DP then growled at me for waking DS by coming back in!!! I told DP that the best place for DS was in his room, reminded him that we NEVER bring him downstairs normally so he was probably confusing DS. DP said that DS was just as much his son and that he knew what he was doing.

He then took DS up to his room. All went quiet but DP was in there ages so I poked head round to find DP still holding DS while lying down on a single bed and both were asleep. I was horrified as DS was so precariously balanced and could easliy have fallen off DP so I woke him and told him to leave DS to me.

I then did the norm of cuddling DS to settle and put him back in his cot. He cried for ages and DP and I ended up rowing because I was furious at his behaviour and DP told me loudly to "Fu*k off". I ended up saying I thought we were near the end of the road as I can't tolerate this any more, DP agreed.

DP went to sleep and it took me til 4am to settle DS. I've been crying all day, am thick with a heavy cold and not been able to rest, with all the worries going round in my head at how unhealthy our relationship has become, and what to do if we do split up.

DP is carrying on like NOTHING has happened and I feel really hurt and confused. I've no idea how to handle this. I am aware I can be horrible grumpy baggage when tired or poorly but I always take responsibility if I'm out of order and apologise. I'm terrified of the effeect on DS, hearing his parents be so abusive to each other but I don't feel we can make positive steps forward unless DP actually admits his part in things and aplogises. I am so . Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me?

And thank you for getting to the end of my rant

I think you both need to apologise to each other.

Do you let your partner get involved with the child or do you always think you know best?

I agree he shouldn't have gone in and got your child up, and wonder if he brought him down to spite you, but he did get him back to sleep, albeit precariously. Could you not have woken your partner and suggested quietly he go in his own bed as the baby was a bit near the edge?

Well he was obviously pissed when he came back, so was being really stupid. There is a chance that he may have forgotten some/all of what he did/said, but he will be aware that you're in a bad mood about something!

The only thing you can do is to talk to him about it - and try to be as non-confrontational about it as you can.

But try not to confuse his antics when he is drunk with other problems that you have in your relationship - even if the former do exacerbate the latter. I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour last night, but what people do/say when they're pissed is very different from what they would normally do/say.

Sorry - what I meant to add was - do you just want to have a go at him about coming in late/pissed, or do you want a more serious conversation about your relationship?

These are two very different things!

It sounds like your dp was completely pissed when he got back from the pub. I bet he doesn't even remember what he did.

If your dp was drunk it would have been better if he didn't bother your ds. He probably didn't think he was doing anything wrong. I suggest you try and talk to him about what happoened and how you felt, and if you feel he is still being unreasonable, then think about whether you want to carry on in this relationship.

Any chance of putting it to the back of your mind and down to experience? Or as NAB says, you both saying sorry?

Sounds like you both just got each others' backs up (we do it sometimes if one has had a drink and the other not), bit of a muddle between him being a bit pissed and irrational and you being tired and poorly.

Hello all
Thank you all for your replies. Had to dash as DP came down.

We have now both apologised [humble emoticon]. Me for being snappy and DP for being a prat (he wasn't completely blotto or I wouldn't have let him near DS, just a tad over jealous). I'm just still a bit cheesed that it's always me that take the first step in reconsiliation, especially when DP behaviour was far worse than mine, and it was me that had to stay up til 4am with DS.

We've talked a bit which helps. What's still troubling for me though, is that it's a situation that bugs the hell out of me. I grew up listening to my Dad belittle my mum (and that was without the swearing) and every time it happens to us, it cuts really deep.

Nab - DP is very hands on, and is usually great. I think there is an element of me feeling that it's all left to me though, to do all the thinking and finding out. He does depend on me to think about everything I think what's becoming apparent is that, if left to our own devises, we would have different parenting styles. Usually we talk through things and agree the best approach/compromise.

It worries me though that he has this streak in him to go off on a tangent to what we've agreed, because this must be unsettling and confusing for DS.

Thanks you all for your words, the dust seems to be settling now but i can't help thinking this is only until the next time.